9 year old daughter is bullying me and her brother

[HopeJacob]

I don't know what to do about my 9 yo DD. She is fine in public and around other people - sometimes a little detached, but she knows how to behave. And she is quiet and hard working, and high achieving in school.

Over the last few months at home though, it is as though she has become a different child. One who hates me vehemently and goads and taunts me on a daily basis. She frequently will not comply with basic instructions any more like coming for meals or getting dressed. 'Natural consequences' of her actions (such as going hungry or being forceably taken to school in pyjamas) don't bother her.

She has the most enormous tantrums which come out of nowhere and she is verbally mean and cruel to me and her twin brother. She physically attacks me and won't go to her room or go anywhere else when I have had my limit of the abuse and ask her to leave me alone. This seems to make it worse as she follows me around the house poking me and taunting me. Continually upping the anti until I will react. (I try not to!). I have had to lock myself in my bedroom before to stop myself from snapping and to give us both the space we need to calm down. This would be fine, but she'll then go and find her brother And punch him.

This situation frequently makes me cry yet I know I just need to dig my heels in and get on with it because it's unlikely to pass quickly. The only problem is I don't know what relationship I'll have left with my daughter when she's grown up and gone past this phase (fingers x-ed!)

I have tried taking things away (Tv, computer games etc) but she says she doesn't care. And it only seems to make things worse. I've tried naughty step (well, reflection room) and obviously I've tried talking to her, incentivising her with nice trips and treats and other things.

My concern is that she will physically really hurt me. On several occasions she has pushed me so hard that I fall over. If she did that at the top of the stairs I'd be in trouble!

Anyone in the same position? She is not keen on school so I was hoping the summer holidays would be better, but to be honest they haven't been.

I would be seeking help from someone professional. Is she ok socially at school? Has she got friends for instance?

My son's behaviour was awful when he was struggling at school - not academically, but with other 'stuff'. Might this be anything to do with it?

Is there any chance she is being bullied at school and 'acting out' at home?

How does she react when you cry? Does she show any remorse afterwards?

Sorry for so many questions!

I did wonder myself about bullying at school but I don't think she is. She has friends, but equally she doesn't have a best friend and doesn't seem overly 'sociable'. We have been camping this holiday though and she made loads of friends there so does have social skills.

Equally, it seems like she encounters quite a lot of meanness girls (to a greater extent) and boys (to a lesser extent) in the playground that she tells me about. It just seems to be the way things are if you're a 9 year old!! I say to her 'I just don't understand why everyone can't be nice and support each other and play together' and she says 'you don't know what it's like out there mum!' And we live in a quiet suburb, not an inner city!

For a long time I didn't cry in front of her, but recently haven't been able to stop it and she occasionally shows remorse and says she feels bad. However shell then go off and do something, come back half an hour later and wonder why I'm still feeling upset!

I'd puberty likely to be a culprit? She hates change of any sort with a passion and doesn't want to grow up. But then I can see she is torn and wants independence and separateness from me as well. ( my amateur psychology!)

I appreciate all your comments!

Im loathe to try to diagnose something on the net but have you ever thought she might be on the ASD spectrum? Its just what you describe reminds me of my niece who can have horrible reactions ehen she is struggling with sensory issues. Many girls go undiagnosed due to bei.g generally bright and sociable....what you said about her encountering meanness rang a bell too. Often girls on the spectrum are high achievers too.

I would see a GP and ask for a referral for CAMHS to explore whether there are underlying difficulties. To me as a parent of two children with autism I would be questioning HFA tbh.
I would also stop being a victim to your dd, put in place rigid rules and clear sanctions and apply them consistently. Discuss the behaviour you expect and the consequences for not meeting expectations when you are both calm. We had house rules on the wall alongside sanctions for a while as it helps for you both to be clear where the line is crossed and what to expect.

I know when my son was being bullied he was a nightmare at home. Shouted at us and mimicked the expressions he was obviously encountering at school. Goaded his siblings, said some quite nasty things. The bullying wasn't obvious btw, more social exclusion, getting him into trouble etc.
It is better now, and we are slowly getting him back to the boy I know he is. It took a lot of persistence on my part though, with the school and with providing out of school activities to build confidence. He still has his 'Mr Angry' moments but we can discuss them in a more rational way.
The only advice I can give is to nip these incidents in the bud through distraction, and keep discussing and expressing as a family why we do things and the effect it has on others. Also, that it is okay to be angry but you need to think about the source of the anger and not take it out on your family.
You'll get her back- just keep communication open (not always easy I know)

I wouldn't be going to CAMHS or looking for a diagnosis at this stage. It may be something external you just need to figure out what it is.

Is there something she is especially good at that could cause jealousy in kids at school? That often leads to a sly, belittling type of bullying.

Do you spend one to one time with her? I only ask this because my daughter is a nightmare at times and usually when she wants attention, she doesn't know how to articulate it and it comes through as negative behaviour. I don't treat her if she is naughty or bribe her, i also went on a positive parenting course and it really helped to give me more confidence in becoming assertive and better at coping with her 'moments.' How is she around change re: new school year is it unsettling her is she looking for reassurance etc? hope she is sorted soon for you

yy to one to one-is her behaviour better when you have one to one time?

Excuse me - She is 9. And you are her mother. She follows you around the house taunting, pushing you around and poking you, and you do what... Cry?

You need to get back the control you have lost, before she grows up taller than you and becomes a real safety hazard. You need to stop crying like a victim and get angry with her if she starts a verbal and especially physical assault. I'm not advocating screaming and hitting, but there's nothing wrong with raising your voice and being firm with her. You are the mother.

My DD is also 9, btw. She lashed out at me once or twice and smacked her brother once. Much disciplining followed after each episode. You must re-gain the upper hand and teach your daughter about appropriate behaviour. For her sake and yours.

I would go to gp and ask for Camhs referral. These things take ages anyway so I would just do it now. You might benefit from family therapy or there might be more going on with your dd. she sounds a lot like my eldest dd was at that age- would love to say she is fine now but she isn't- early intervention may help you - good luck. You will get comments from people whose children react appropriately to reward and punishment systems! Also have a look at www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/related-conditions/pda-pathological-demand-avoidance-syndrome.aspx