How can I parent my tantrumy 3 yo better?

[NamasteGirl]

Ds is 3.11 and driving me mad. I think his recent behaviour has been partially down to a GERD problem (being treated) but his tantrums etc are so bad and i dont know if I am managing them well enough. He keeps trying to tell me and dh what to do- dont sit there, dont say that etc- which I tell him isnt right and he cant do that. It took me 20 mins to grt him into the bath this eve- he wanted me to help him play with his tow truck. I said Id help him for five mins after running the bath, but he kept yanking at my arm and getting angry. So I played with him for 10 mins, then asked him again to get in the bath, and he started mucking about with other stuff, so I started to get angry and I told him to get in the bath now.

And then when in the bath he wanted me to go and find a certain truck (no time left, bedtime) he started to scream at me GET IT NOW and chuck a different truck about in thr bath, so I took it away from him. I got him out the bath and I started to get really upset, was trying not to cry but didnt manage to hold it in, and I ended up rather pathetically saying to him 'why do you keep being so naughty and nasty to me?'. I know, I know. But I am shattered. I end up battling with him and sidestepping landmines from morning to evening constantly and I feel like my brain is going to fall out. I spend all day every day with him, and take him places, do endless activities with him etc, he is so loved, its so effing frustrating that he is like this!!!

Any advice?

I have a DS of 3.6 and he is very like you describe...willful, defiant, wants things completely on his own terms. .but these change every 5 minutes! I have additional concerns about him but I do think a lot is normal for this age. The toddlercalm book is good for reassurance and ideas.

The thing that strikes me when I read your post is to wonder do you get any time to yourself at all? I have only recently begun to take an hour here and there in a coffee shop and it makes such a difference to how I feel and my attitude towards the DC. I cheat a bit and read parenting/additional needs books while I'm there but that's just my thing..I've never really done fiction and it's the only time I get.

Is there anyone you could leave your DS with while you get a break?

Is he at nursery or similar? If so is he tricky there or the epitome of compliance?!

I do think much is to be expected at this age but it doesn't make it any easier, FWIW I think I get it; I'm fought on every single little thing, even things DS wants me to do he won't do what he needs to do to help me...For example he wants me to help him get dressed because he struggles with fine motor skills but I bend down to do it and he runs off! its very frustrating but I think staying calm and consistent is the key, along with giving choice wherever possible and encouraging independence but not insisting on it...sounds easy enough but it's something we have to learn on the job every day