Teaching 3.10yo to control emotions

[BusyCee]

Hi All. I think I'm doing the right thing, teaching DS useful skills for life, and the lesson that it's not the situation, but how you deal with it that counts. But had crisis of confidence this eve, and just wondered if there's a 'right' way to do this; or if I'm projecting my experiences; or over thinking

In summary, I've taught DS1 3.10, to use breathing techniques to manage his (thankfully rare) tantrums. So when he gets really caught in a loop about something that isn't fixable (how long a walk is; that it's raining; cutted up pear, that sort of thing), he's learnt to take some long slow breaths, come for a cuddle, and smile or laugh, because that chases the anger away. This eve a battery run flashing light widget stopped working; he was getting increasingly cross (I want another one; shouting; screaming etc). His dad calmly explained that we can't fix it, and put him back to bed 3 times. Then we heard him at the top if the stairs say 'daddy, I understand it's broken and we can't fix it; tomorrow, please can we call x (who gave it to him) and ask if we can have another one?' Which is when I wondered whether in fact I'm being counter productive and teaching him to subsume his emotions. Shit. Am I thinking it's through too much? I had an emotionally unstable childhood and not confident making decisions about this sort of stuff, in case I cause some sort of irreparable psychological damage. And he's PFB. Well done if you got this far....

Hmmm... the breathing techniques wouldn't work with ds so I admire the fact that you've got somewhere with it. Tbh I have no idea whether I handle it well either. My general belief is that anger/ sadness or whatever are perfectly acceptable emotions providing they're not projected as aggression against others. We use humour to try to diffuse, or just a bloody long cuddle and distraction with some exciting activity or treat (providing ds is just struggling to cope with emotions and not doing it to get his own way). If we can compromise or make something better than we will, but I think it's equally important for children to realise that sometimes in life, that's just the way it is:unfair. But there are plenty of other things to have or do instead. Hope this makes a bit of sense....

Sometimes they just need to wallow and find their way through it iyswim?

I wouldn't talk about it in terms of chasing the anger away - that implies anger is wrong and scary. It can be but anger, as with all emotions, is healthy.

The issue is what you do with it and being allowed to express it. So the breathing thing is good that he's calm but build in there the idea that he can tell you he's annoyed etc. E.g. in your example, I would have said "ds you sound cross, I know you're cross, but we cannot fix it..."

Ok, thanks. Appreciate your thoughts - and yy to helping him understand that all emotion has a purpose, and how to manage it fruitfully

My boy has problems with emotions but they only show towards me and his grandma he is 8 and constantly brights kicks and punches he is tall for his age. I have had family connect involved but they have closed his case as nothing shoes anywhere else I have been told by family connect that he only punches me because he feels safe. I would love to find out about these calming teaching to help him work through his issues without violence any help would be great

Oh Becca, that sounds hard. I've just taught DS some of the breathing techniques I use in my work. I'm not a specialist in child development or emotional issues. The thing about the breathing is two-fold; controlling your breathing gives time and space which in themselves help calm the mind and focuses intention on making the situation better, but it also relaxes, reducing the production of stress hormones like adrenalin and cortisol. It's also a habit. So it can take a while to adopt, but once the habit is formed it can be useful for life. If I find a useful resource I'll PM you. But good luck to you all

The technique we use is simple - it's just 5 controlled breaths. Inhaling through the nose, deep breath in, slowly and deep into the chest, eyes closed, thinking about feeling the breath and how the rib cage changes as you slowly inhale (1). At the top of the breath pause, then exhale, slowly to the end of the breath. Breather in again (3). Good luck again

I tend to leave him to finish his tantrum, i offer him a cuddle, if he wants one i give him one. The tantrums seem to pass quicker if i ignore them. DH tries to reason with him, he can't even hear him.

Yes, ds is on another planet when he has a proper meltdown. No amount of reasoning will make him listen. It's like he's been replaced by a small emotional/ angry drunk.

What a great description!