Please help me with out of control young ds

[thatmum]

I have nc for this as I'm expecting to get flamed but I desperately need some support. My ds is nearly 3 and I can't be around him. He's a horrible, naughty, violent child. I don't know how he has turned out like this or how I improve the situation. His dsis is the complete opposite and I'd be lying if I said she was perfect but she is kind, generous and thoughtful.

I have tried referring to his behaviour as naughty instead of labelling him and I have encouraged others to do the same. I have tried praising good behaviour and ignoring the bad. I have tried providing him with quality one on one time but nothing works. He hits and bites. He deliberately does naughty things. I have tried explaining why this behaviour is unacceptable but it makes no difference.

I have tried accepting that it is just a phase but he's been like this for months. I'm so tired and frustrated with him. I'm on the cusp of smacking him (I ABSOLUTELY NEVER WILL as I don't agree with it but I can now understand how it happens), simply because I have run out of ideas. No body wants to take him off my hands for a couple of hours because he's such hard work. I feel guilty for how I feel about him and sad that I constantly have to remind people that he does have a few redeeming features.

I'm in tears now. How can I make this situation better? My dh has had enough and my other 2 dc are being physically hurt by him and neglected by me.

That sounds really hard. I wish I had a "magic bullet" answer for you but I don't. Does he sleep enough and get enough exercise? How is his diet? Have you tried cutting out colourants and preservatives? How do you respond to his bad behaviour?

Dont ignore the bad, he is thriving on negative attention, little ones need boundaries and it sounds like he has none (bitting, hitting) try practising the timeout and naughty step. All awful behaviours can be curved, good luck to you it won't be easy but you must be strong

That sounds really tough. I'd agree that time out should be used for when he's very naughty so he learns these violent behaviours are unacceptable and won't be tolerated.
Is he the youngest? Just wondering if his behaviour issues coincide with a new baby or something like that?
You could do with a break, even for a couple of hours - does he go to nursery at all? If not, he'll be eligible for some free sessions when he turns 3.

Agree with using the free childcare when he turns there, even if its just to give you a break.

Like Lasting says! could you give us some more info on how you react to an incidence such as hitting and what he sleeps and eats in a day?

Thank you for responding. I realise reading my post back how it sounds but he does have very clear boundaries and I have never ignored violent behaviour. I meant, for example, at dinner time he will bang his cutlery on on table as he knows he shouldn't do it and I have not given him any attention but when he's used them to eat nicely I have praised him.

His diet is generally good with the odd biscuit/cake. I think his behaviour declines further after artificial sweetners have been consumed. I don't think he's sleeping enough but we have a regular bed time and routine so although I am trying to encourage sleep it's not always happening.

I have tried the step but he just laughs and gets off. I didn't have this problem with dd, she stayed put. How do I get him to stay there?

There is a new baby but these problems go back to long before its arrival. I was very conscious that the new baby could make things worse so I put routine in place and have, in the main, maintained it. I have also tried to make sure ds has had quality one on one with both his parents and grandparents.

Does he have a nap? If not, could you give him some quite time? Maybe snuggle up while you feed baby and listen to, or read him a book?

If sweeteners are an issue, can you try and cut them out?

If he gets off the step, can you put him back on? It might take him ages to get the hint that its quicker to just sit there. You might like these tips from Dr sears plus this on shaping behaviour and this on hitting.

Is he getting out much? I know its hard with a baby but could you pop LO into a sling and get him out into the garden, go for a walk or the park?

Pick your battles.

Also explaining to a three year old is futile. This equals attention. Keep it short and snappy when he's bitten etc. A firm no as soon as it happens. Also try and anticipate the bites and distract before he does it.

How's his hearing?

Use the methods in the book "Kazdin Method".

Catch him doing good. Immediately give him lots of positive attention when he is behaving in a normal or mere acceptable behavior. Get close, touch, be enthusiastic (as much as he can stand), be specific (not "good job") about what he did, not caboose criticism on the end (no "but...). Give positive attention when he helps with the baby or is kind to the baby.

Don't explain in response to his bad behavior. In response to his good behavior explain away why good is good. Explaining and face-time or attention and you get more of what you pay attention to.

Not sure who he is hitting or biting. If it is you or the baby, say nothing, immediately turn away and walk away taking the baby. That functions like an instant time-out in place, and it's easier to use and harder for him to defy. Stay away for 3 minutes (one min per year of age). If need be, stay in the same room and watch him out of corner of your eye.

Kazdin will teach you how to use rewards to get a kid to stay in a conventional time-out with relocation. Time-out works even when you praise or reward a well-executed time-out.

Restrict the things he likes to spend the most time doing. Keep restrictions short, maybe just a few minutes and never more than a day.

Don't threaten time-out or restrictions, or at least don't repeat threats more than 2 times. These methods are more effective if they are applied immediately when they are warranted. Threats actually function as time-in, any attention can function to increase the bad behavior.

Basically:

1. Good or just acceptable behavior get immediate positive attention. Don't take it for granted.
2. Immediately pretend to ignore bad behavior that can be ignored in the short run.
3. Immediately punish other bad behavior with restrictions or use time-out after you have trained him in to execute time-outs.

The Kazdin Method includes more about using point charts to get good behaviors going if need be.

Are you being consistent with whatever method you are using? You say you put him on the step but he gets off, so do you just give up then?
Once you have put him on the step - you need to keep putting him back EVERY time until he does stay there otherwise he will not learn he has to do it. It can take many many times but you have to stick with it. It will get less each time.
Of course if you are not comfortable with that then you need to choose something you are comfortable with instead.
Really look at consistency.