Drawbacks of confiscating toys?

[Flamesparrow]

DD (3) is a nightmare if I try to sit her on the stairs (always used to work) - she gets off, wanders in, and says "but I said sorry" and won't stay for her full time. It then progressed to she was shut behind the stair gate in her room for Very Bad Things or if she played up on the stairs... but I'm trying to get a quiet time introduced in there, I don't really want her room as punishment.

We have always had a count to 3 system... if it isn't done/started doing by the time I reach 3 (including 2 1/2 if she is getting there but is a bit slow ), then it is stairs. Today I have been counting to 3 and was going to take away her frizbe if I reached 3... not sure if this is a good system to be getting into though? It worked, but what are the drawbacks?

I forget to do star charts/pasta jars etc . I do give lots of praise for good behaviour.

(She stays on the stairs fine at Psycho's house )... oh, some great knowing looks at shopping centre yesterday when I growled at her "they have stairs here too!"

Personally I avoid any form of conflict or power plays with my kids. Unless you can fully "control" or rather get them to conform to you rules then it can be the nightmare you mention.

Someone who knows more about these things might have some ideas!

I don't like confiscating toys or other punishments, as it gives the message that if people don't do what we want, then it's ok to do unpleasant things to them to make them co-operate. I have seen my ds adopt this sort of behaviour following times when we have resorted to it in desperation / anger.

I am not a fan of pasta jars for the same reason. Doing something just because you will get a reward at the end doesn't really encourage our children to be useful members of society, I don't think. Yes we have all done it but I don't think as a rule it is what we should be aiming for as a main method of discipline.

I think the best thing to do with most undesirable behaviour aged 3 is still distraction / suggesting or demonstrating the correct behaviour / waiting for them to grow out of it! 3 is too young to have got the hang of acceptable adult standards all the time. There is a lovely book called 'The Social Toddler' which shows ways to encourage good behaviour - I also like "The Good Behaviour Book" by Dr Sears.

ps I think if your dd has said sorry, then further 'punishment' is unnecessary and defeats the purpose of the exercise, as it is more likely to make her feel resentful, than learn how to behave better next time.

Oh know Paps and Franny at thee!!

At such a young age children don´t comprehend to our level of course, so punishment is seen to them as that we don´t like them. As they grow older they realise this is not true in the majority of families.

As they don´t comprehend distraction is great. Also as non-judgemental as possible ways of doing something. I also try and show empathy by comparison and by example. So being nice to toys. Sometimes I role play abit with dd if she hurts a toy and give it cuddles, tell her the toy does not want to play with her if she is rough in a very gentle manner.

I try and foster good social settings for the kids with gentle friends. She has just started a lovely playgroup with some grandmotherly ladies and since we have no grandparents here, thats great

The power aspect was the thing that was making me not want to do it in the first place... it just felt sort of wrong iyswim.

Can someone suggest the best way to distract a screaming toddler who refuses point blank to get dressed/get her head out from under the blanket she is hiding under to let me brush her hair/stop sitting on her brother? Everything I do seems to end up as bribery.

The saying sorry... It has become reflex - you bash your brother over the head with a spoon, say sorry, all is forgiven so it is ok to bash him over the head with said spoon as long as you say sorry

Flame I'm going to get shot down for this by the others: - target here!
but its naughty step most of the time in this house, I usually start with a warning of the step, which can often be enough to bring dd1 round, even ss has been warned he's not too big to end up on there (evil sm ) but if she's really trying it on, she's on there, for a 1/2 min scream, then she says sorry, we hug and go and do what was intended in the 1st place. We've used the step for ss since he was 2 and by the age of four it was rarely in use, he's a good boy.

agree with franny and paps

no pasta jars/sticker charts/punishemnets here

just constant nagging and pointing out the correct way to behave

at 3 they are a law unto themselves

I live with most bad behaviour tbh as long as there is no real malice behind it

I found 3 the hardest age, much worse than 2, and 4 was only slightly better. Didn't do the naughty step stuff but not much better to offer.

I started using choices when they were 3. 'ok, you can hammer your brother with a spoon, but you won't get supper. You decide what you're going to do.' Then walk away to avoid a stand-off. 'Scream on the supermarket floor if you want, or you can come and choose a comic. You decide what you want to do.' Walk away and pretend she wasn't mine.

I tried to pretend I didn't give a monkeys - god, it was hard! And by no means failproof.

Er, supper in this house is snack at bedtime - they always had their meals!

dd is nearly 3 (just before Xmas) and I mostly use distraction and various creative stuff with her...especially with getting dressed/hairbrushing/toothbrusting etc.
I guess it depends if your dd likes role-play/imagination games...mine loves them, so I'll often find myself being the lady in the shoe shop while she is the Princess getting her shoes fitted, or I invite her to Daddy's Posh Restaurant when its time to go and eat, or I brush her hair and tell her the story of the little girl whose hair turned from straw to gold etc etc
Getting her Cat (soft toy) involved gets me out of endless difficulties

Power struggles are horrid for both of us, and I usually lose anyway, so I try and avoid them - but its hard sometimes, esp. tired and pregnant!

Hi Flamesparrow, I am in the same boat with dd 3. Also never been comfortable with time-outs, naughty steps or pasta jars, because it just feels so much like I am imposing my will on a little one who is only just coming to grips with her emotions. I see you have tried many techniques and it sounds like you are having to escalate.

I know my dd would go hysterical if I took away her toys for bad behaviour. They do that to her at nursery and it just provokes at least a half hour screaming fit - which to me does not achieve anything except make the point that adults are more powerful than her and can take away her cherished things.

I don't have terribly sophisticaled strategies. For refusal to get dresssed/hair combing, I give ourselves more time (eg 15 as opposed to 5 mins). Sometimes, she goes to bed in the clothes she goes out the next day, rather than pajamas (if she will wear clothes at night at all!). Or if dh is free, I get him to dress her - the relative novelty makes her more agreeable. For combing hair, I try to comb as much as possible whilst she is still asleep just before she wakes. If all fails, a little messiness will have to do.

Otherwise Elibean's technique of distraction, persuasion, role playing, humour (if you can stand it). If that does not work and we really need to get moving, I will put her clothes on by force! Or show her I am angry and walk out of the room - this usually gets her mighty upset. Not all days are bad, but she does go through phases of being unco-operative.

Your dd is still learning about power and her emotions. It is frustrating now, but I do believe it will get easier as she gets older. Because then, you can use peer pressure - like now, I remind her that none of her friends go to nursery naked! And she will be more sensible as well.

Thank you for this thread, which I will be showing to dh as we are STRUGGLING! Humour more appealing than the power struggles we are currently managing to inflame.

Yes role play is a superb distraction "Can you march over here like a drummer in that band we saw? Right now step up here and pretend you are putting on your uniform to go marching."

However I have to be in a good mood and feeling imaginative to be able to do this - it's what to do when you have had 4 hours sleep and feel grumpy as hell that is the problem, isn't it?

I have also had a lot of success with "See how fast you can.....Bet you can't do it before I count to 10......Look, I'm getting my shoes on, I'm going to be the winner...." type of thing although this seems to only encourage the hideous competitive nature of 3 year olds so I am not sure if I can whole heartedly recommend it...

If you don't like using time out techniques, would you be happy to try putting toys in the 'naughty corner'. Eg if they are throwing or hitting with specific toys or drawing where they shouldn't with pencils etc. I tell ds toys have been very naughty and put them in a corner he can't reach for a minute or so. He generally feels sorry for them and wants them out then stops what he was doing.

Good one, blueshoes. Get up earlier or start to get ready earlier. Dd2 hates being rushed for anything and will still dig her heels in..

franny. I can imagine doing the drummer routine through gritted teeth with a mad glint in the eyes.

Franny, wonder if there is a gender difference with response to the 'see how fast you can' thing?? I've tried that with dd and she just looks at me then says 'Mummy do it'

The naughty step is more than just 'sit there until I say so' - it's supposed to be for reflection and non physical chastisement; 'I've done this, it was wrong for this reason, and this has happened as a result'. It's a 'time out'.

I'm an advocate of both the naughty step and confiscation boxes. I bought a transparent plastic box with a lid a year ago for a confiscation box as I was fed up of ds not putting his toys away at night. If he doesn't put his toys away when asked (and I say I'll help him put them away too and try and turn the very act itself into a game) then I count to 5 and whatever's left on the floor goes in the box and stays there for two days. I've only had to do it a few times since I bought it but it works.

I'm a hard mum!

ginmummy, i want to be you when i grow up.

There aren't many things that I'm good at in life but I'm learning this childraising malarky as I go along, with a little help from Supernanny and a lot of help from Mumsnet!

Ginmummy
Also impressed by that technique. Was he a little horror for putting them away before that? What age did you do it at?

I confiscate dd toys, but she is five and it works, didn;t do it at 3 as she would not have understood.

I dont do naught step for reasons that people have already posted, was listening to something on R4 may have been woman's hour about time out and they were saying that it was being advocated as a better option than smacking but as very few parents smack now it should not be used as much as it is.

I am also a fan of the social toddler.

We do have a pasta jar though, because it reflects life- if you behave in a way that people find acceptable then you will get rewarded for that, whether that be a good girl sticker in class or a promotion at work. Dd also reponds very well to rewards and priase ,as with everything dchild related you need ti choose the thing that suits your child.

I dunno... DD can tell me exactly why she shouldn't hit DS with the spoon, but still does it