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friends children are nitemares

4 replies

kelnsoph · 11/08/2014 12:11

Hi, has anyone else experienced having a good friend who's children are just nitemares? And how have they dealt with it?
My LO is just 4 and an only child, she is (honestly!!) very gentle and loves being social. However my friends 3 kids have become gradually worse in their behaviour. They have always been rough but in recent months S has had her hand slammed in a door twice, she was told to put her hand there and then they slammed the door on her. This was once witnessed but we couldn't get there in time. She was nearly pushed down the stairs tho I managed to stop that one, and a couple of weeks ago she sustained bruised ribs from being pushed off a bed.
I have now made the decision to stop taking S there. I have had enough and she really doesn't understand that friends don't do that. She thinks they are being nice to her!
The problem is we have very different parenting styles. Had S done any of these things she would have been made to apologise and punished. I would have been mortified. My friend has a policy of "let them fight it out amongst themselves" and has been very blasé about the whole thing. Not once have they been made to apologise. I have no right to criticise her parenting style as it works for her and with 3 kids maybe it is a good policy?!
Has anyone else managed to retain a friendship when you have such different views on parenting? How have you dealt with it?
Things will be a lot easier when school starts again as I can keep S away without being questioned. If I say anything now I will be most likely accused of coddling S! But I don't agree she needs to be injured all the time to "toughen up"

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lotsofcheese · 11/08/2014 12:18

Your friends' children sound awful. One of the mums at my DS's nursery was like this with her children; people just avoided socialising with her.

I'd stick to seeing your friend separately without any children.

If she asks, just say something along the lines of "we don't do violence in our house"

CombineBananaFister · 11/08/2014 18:07

It's a rubbish situation to be in but just because two adults are friends it doesn't mean the kids have to be. Sometimes they just don't click and other times your parenting styles differ so much that it's just not compatible.

If she asks just say they don't get along or your DD doesn't enjoy it anymore and leave it at that.

We were in a similar situation with DS and DN (who is very aggressive) and it was getting to the stage where it was only a matter of time before Ds got badly hurt. Plus it was just too damn stressful spending the whole time making sure he wasn't hurt. Just told Sil that the boys were clearly not getting along atm so wouldn't be meeting up for a while.

kelnsoph · 12/08/2014 11:17

That's exactly it! I spend the whole visit worrying and mostly just waiting until S gets hurt.
It's a genuine shame because she is a wonderful friend we just differ on the way we raise our kids. And I'm not for a minute saying she's a bad mum she's not at all. The kids are just too different.
I'm glad it's not just me. I've met unruly kids at playgroups and nursery but never who I have had to socialise with. And obviously I don't want to lose a friendship over it.
Thank you both for the advice x

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kelnsoph · 12/08/2014 11:18

That's exactly it! I spend the whole visit worrying and mostly just waiting until S gets hurt.
It's a genuine shame because she is a wonderful friend we just differ on the way we raise our kids. And I'm not for a minute saying she's a bad mum she's not at all. The kids are just too different.
I'm glad it's not just me. I've met unruly kids at playgroups and nursery but never who I have had to socialise with. And obviously I don't want to lose a friendship over it.
Thank you both for the advice x

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