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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Your childrens' friends - advice please

23 replies

Mandymoo · 17/09/2006 19:18

DD is 3.9 yrs and has never been a particularly sociable child, preferring to have just one or two close friends at a time.

Her "best" friend is a boy who she sees maybe once a week - he will go to a different school.

Her closest "girly" friend has just emigrated to S.Africa.

There are only 6 children in her pre-school class and when she starts school next Sept she will be the only girl going up to the school from her group. There will be a boy but he wont be full time til after Christmas.

My worry is that she is losing contact with her "baby" friends and will be starting school not knowing anyone.

The whole idea of putting her into this preschool was that she would then start school in a familiar group of children.

She has a small group of other friends (2/3 girls) but they will all be going to another school.

Does this matter or is it when they start school that they start to make their friends??????

From a concerned mummy

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bigbabygapmum · 17/09/2006 19:24

You never stop being concerned. My dd is 18 (my son seven months)and I recall my dd always being anti social but completely happy in her own company. Now she is about to study drama at uni. She gets on REALLY well with fellow drama students but I could never tell you who her best friend is at school. Yet if she was on a summer drama school course she would be hugging every one within a week of knowing them. They all seem to find their own category of friend somehow. I do hope my new baby son is more sociable though. It has been a concern for me as the people DD meets at drama summer schools are never close by for daily friendship.

Twiglett · 17/09/2006 19:25

doesn't matter in the slightest .. she'll make new friends that's what nursery and reception are for

Original poster

Mandymoo · 17/09/2006 19:26

I suppose i fret that i dont mix her with other children enough and that the friends she does have go to a different pre school and so she seldom sees them now anyway.

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Mandymoo · 17/09/2006 19:28

I have to add that she is very good at amusing herself and has a wonderful vivid imagination, always making up games etc.

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pointydog · 17/09/2006 19:30

My dd1 didn't know anyone when she started school as nursery kids went elsewhere and it was fine. Don't worry. She'll find another 2 or 3 friends.

bigbabygapmum · 17/09/2006 19:31

Take her to drama classes like I did with my DD; bet you she makes friends there

Kaz33 · 17/09/2006 19:31

My just turned 4 year old DS1 started last year knowing no-one and within a few weeks he was part of a gang of boys which just keeps on expanding. It wasn't so much who would we invite to his 5th birthday party but who would we exclude.

Trust in your daughter, she will be fine. When she starts, invite the people she mentions back for play dates and get to know the other mums. My son loves the fact that I am friends with his friends mums.

anniebear · 17/09/2006 20:10

My dd didn't go to the pre school attacthed to her school. So Most of the other children knew one another already

It didbnt matter one bit, they all just played together and got on fine.

She is in YR 1 now and seems to have a circle of about 3/4 that she playes with most

MaloryTowersTheOriginal · 17/09/2006 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peridot30 · 17/09/2006 20:14

my son just started school and didn't know anyone and hes making friends. once a week we meet up with his friend that hes has known since he was a baby. Dont worry bout your dd she will make friends but its still good to keep in contact with 'baby friends'

lucykate · 17/09/2006 20:16

i think what you need to aks yourself is how many people from your nursery when you were little are you still friends with?, answer is probably not many, if any at all.

i don't think it matters at this age. we moved house in july to a different part of the country, dd left all her friends and cousins behind and has just started at a school she is unfamiliar with, a teacher she has never met and only really knows one girl, who is in a different class but is our next door neighbour. i was really worried for her but 2 weeks in and she's settled in well, made new friends and even has a 'boyfriend'

hulababy · 17/09/2006 20:25

It won't matter. DD went to a differetnt school to all her friends - nursery and out of school. We did actually arrange a couple pf play sessions with a couple of mums and their girls in the holidays prior to her starting, but even so - by the end of day one she knew lots of girls names and was happily playing with them at break times. Now, two weeks later, have already had a couple of girls round to play, and today one of the girls came for Sunday lunch with her parents (we are going there in a couple of weeks) and DD is going to play at their house next week.

So, despite not knowing anyone - she is very settled less than 2 weeks later

It is unlikely she will see her nursery friends now she has left. Although she has had two invites to parties from there, she is unable to go because of other arrangements.

We have retain friens with other out of school friends though, and she still sees them, as they are children of our friends.

(BTW, i was also really worried about this before she started).

Original poster

Mandymoo · 17/09/2006 21:12

ok - but on a daily basis i am finding it hard trying to arrange playdates so that she is seeing her friends at least once a week - all our "baby" friends seem to be cliqueing together as they are all attending the same preschool and they dont seem to have much time for us.

Also, I find it isolating at times and need adult company

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Original poster

Mandymoo · 17/09/2006 21:15

bump

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Sunnysideup · 17/09/2006 21:31

mandy, don't worry. Not everyone even DOES playdates, I've read posts on here from people who just don't do them. When your DD starts school she will have a long long day to be social and make friends and I'm sure this will happen fine for her as it does for most kids.

I really admire Hula for how organised and on the ball she is with the playdates, and getting to know families from the school, but this is just one approach you know. I'm just CRAP at doing this sort of thing myself, it takes me ages to get to know people so the school gates thing is going to be a slow burner for me. Personally though I don't worry as I know DS is a perfectly normal child and soon enough he will be asking for so-and-so to come home, etc. I have long given up expecting to make other mum friends just because we stand in the same queue together. If/when it happens that I click with someone, great, but I'm crap at small talk and find it really hard to get along with people just because we have kids. I'd suggest finding your adult company seperately from your DD's school stuff...if you can.

But mainly don't worry, friends will come naturally in their own time for your DD and I'm sure it won't matter one bit who is with her from her pre-school when she goes into reception; DS' reception class seems to be geared around helping the kids relate to eachother, think of eachother as 'friends' etc - all the social stuff.

HTH?

Original poster

Mandymoo · 17/09/2006 21:36

Summysideup - thanks for your reply, its made me feel a bit better. Hula is defintely an inspiration but im sooooooo not that way inclined im afraid - i am not very good at just making new friends. I am even worse at entertaining them!

Since having DS 4 months ago i feel i should make an effort to get DD out and about and seeing her friends. She is quite happy not to all the time so maybe i should just take my lead from her.

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Sunnysideup · 17/09/2006 21:46

I think we definitely worry too much nowadays; when I look back to my childhood, I think my mum took me to one playgroup for about an hour a week when I was a pre-schooler. The rest of the time I munged about at home with her, playing, or 'helping' her with houe stuff, going to the park, etc.

When I started school she simply took and collected me everyday, no mention made of social engagements/playdates until I was a bit older and badgered her to let me have my friends home or be allowed to go to theirs for dinner, etc.

No out of school activities arranged for me either; when I badgered for ballet, I was happily sent.

We should be led by the kids a bit more, definitely. When things are important to them, they are not backward in coming forward - your DD is obviously perfectly happy; relax!

Original poster

Mandymoo · 17/09/2006 21:47

you are right Sunnysideup - think i may be in danger of becoming a pushy mum!!!!

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Sunnysideup · 17/09/2006 21:49

not your fault, there's just more pressure and expectation nowadays.

Not that you sound the type to be pushy

Sunnysideup · 17/09/2006 21:51

and anyway it's natural, I too worry about ds as the last thing any parent wants is for their child tobe lonely or unable to make friends.

But I'm sure it's an unfounded worry....

kittywits · 17/09/2006 22:26

Relax, children make new friends very quickly as long as they don't pick up on any of our anxieties that is!

Original poster

Mandymoo · 18/09/2006 18:55

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Original poster

Mandymoo · 19/09/2006 15:43

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