delayed development

[davemail1]

I am running around today buying cards and birthday presents for my ex wife - separated from 7 years ago. And, who has been living with her new partner ever since.

Issue? The presents are from my 3 children (12, 17 and 20).

Why am I doing this and not them? And, what's wrong with them or me?

Well have you ever asked them to go and get their own cards? Children usually begin to do this at around the same time as they are allowed to the shops/town on their own....so between 11 and 13 in my experience.

Most kids take pleasure in the freedom of choosing gifts and cards alone.

When they were younger did you never give them some money to go and buy their Mum's gift? Or suggest they went along with their pocket money and do it?

Those actions were completed, but my perspective would be that so much has been done post divorce to help them that this over compensation has undermined their ability to think for themselves.

If I say that more of this has been done by my former wife than me - it will sound petty, but I believe this to be true in her efforts to compensate for splitting the family up.

In part, therefore, their 'doing' ability has been arrested, although this does not extend to academic success at school/uni

You can change it you know. Instead of enabling their helplessness you should remind them when you hand them the things you've bought, that this will be the last year you will do it for them.

Tell them that you will remind them in good time next year so that they can sort out their own gifts and cards...let them know that the same will happen at Christmas too.

At 12 your youngest might need a bit of extra help...but the others can sort themselves out!

I can certainly post reminders. It's been helpful to focus on the issue because part of the reason I still get involved I realise is to remind everyone that I am a kind and thoughtful person...

Off to the printers now to collect the photo collage I've created as part of the gifts!