My DD has no discipline

[MrsWhirling]

I would welcome some advice on how I can help my DD6, 7 In November,be better behaved and frankly not so bloody disrespectful. To put it bluntly, right now she is that child you see screaming at their parent(s), yes she is that child that everyone says 'if she were mine, IDE put her over my knee...'

She very bright, clever & gorgeous. Bags of personality& confidence. Everyone knows her& she's fairly popular at school.

However she is so rude to me&DH. She disobeys everything we ask. Screams 'I hate you/wish you were dead' for example, earlier today she asked her dad if he was deaf because he asked her to repeat something. Hitting DS who is 20mths. No punishment or sanction works, she just shrugs it off. At the end of my tether with her. She's so rude , spoilt& disrespectful that I'm embarrassed she's my child. What can I do?

You need to find a punishment or sanction that works and stick to it!!

Does she have pocket money, treats, friends over, trips to the park, days out because all of these things need to be on a condition of good behaviour.

I think the most important thing is to follow through on any threats of punishment. Get yourself a plastic box and, whatever is dear to her, remove the items from her person and place it in the box in a location where she can see her precious but can't play with them. I used the naughty step for my Son and that worked for him but didn't for my Daughter so I think it is trial and error. You could try a reward chart, every time she says something rude to yourself or her Dad you could remove a star. I'd take the time to explain what is offensive about her comments i.e. when you suggest Dad is deaf it is rude and upsets Dad. When she wishes you dead or says she hates you say "I think you would be very sad if Dad and I were dead and Dad and I would miss you terribly" or I'm sorry you hate Dad and I but we love you very much". Hopefully turning the tables will help. I always used to say that as long as she was polite outside of the house then that was OK but I think I was talking rubbish. Start as you mean to go on. Good luck.

Maybe try something to instil discipline, such as a martial art or horse riding?

Plastic box is a great idea but honestly taking stuff away doesn't work, I've tried that with her much loved iPad. She loves, but is very jealous of DS we are all aware of this. She is also the apple of my parents' eye which does help as they spoil/defend her. How a 6yr old can have so much attitude is beyond me?! It's all rhetorical questions like 'what do you think I'm doing?' honestly, it's like having a teenager.

Unfortunately I don't really get to do stuff one on one with her. I work full time so when I am off I want to see them both as much as I can.

Or you could try descriptive praise when she is being nice - positive parenting works hugely well with my two boys, vastly better than punishment, which seems to make them resentful and even more unpleasant.

Great suggestions here, I also think you need to speak to your parents if they undermine you defending her in front of her.
I think whatever you choose consistency is key it may take a while to see that it is working so don't write off a method too quickly.
If part of it is attention seeking don't forget to seperate unwanted behaviour from the bad, ie:
rude/spiteful (bad) use chosen consequence
tantrums/ moaning/ whining (unwanted) ignore.

Get your parents or DH to take the younger one whilst you have her one to one. Ditto, time with her dad. Sounds like attention seeing behaviour.

Have you had parenting classes? Might learn some tips and techniques.

Read "How to talk so your kinds will listen, and listen so they will talk". Then "Siblings without rivalry".

I never understand the "take their things away" punishment. What has taking someone's iPad away got to do with them being rude? If someone is rude, you might refuse to interact with them until they can be civil. Then they learn that being rude gets you nowhere. Taking their iPad away just teaches them that you are older and stronger, and can do what you like, which surely, will just make them resentful.

Incidentally, my teenagers are not like you describe. I'm not saying they're never bolshy. But they do as we ask, (but not necessarily blindly - they often like first to understand our reasons for asking). They are, in the main, polite (and, anyway, quickly get called on rudeness). They do not scream at us. We listen to and value their thoughts and feelings, and the respect works both ways.

Her behaviour at her age is reactionary. She will be responding to feelings she may not understand herself. It's like an iceberg you see the tip - the behaviour but the cause is hidden under the surface. There could be some sibling rivalry going on which she is taking out on you. Get a book on it as you need to understand the psychology of it to be able to stop it effectively.
There is a real problem with withdrawal / sanctions with some children. It can cause them to dig their heals in becoming more stubborn or it doesn't effect them at all. Some also just feel pure hatred towards you and that's unproductive.
Keep trying to praise the good behaviour. Don't say things like - that's so polite, or that's how I like you to behave. As that reinforces the bad behaviour.
Laugh kiss her when she does something funny. What would I do without you - if she picks something up for you. Etc. there's a subtle difference in the praise.
Choose your battles eg ignore some of the milder behaviours.
But get the book.
Good luck.

How long do you confiscate her iPad for?
Is she sent to her room after bad behaviour? How long for?
Do you cancel play dates?

Dancemom, the OP feels that sanctions aren't working. They don't with all kids.

Same with adults - which is why most of the prison population are repeat offenders!

I agree that children often act up for reasons they and we don't understand.

I agree Preciousbane.

When DD1 was 11, I sometimes felt I was at loggerheads with her all the time. The fun had gone out of our relationship, and i really started fearing for the teenage years. So, I took her to Amsterdam for the weekend, just the two of us. We had a lovely time, and our relationship really got back on track.

She and I also share another hobby, which we do together at least once a week for about two thirds of the year, so we spend loads of time together, without the rest of the family. It has helped our relationship, no end.

True, minifingers.

There's a theory with the crime/punishment strategy, that if a child has done something they know is wrong, but it hasn't been detected, they feel they should rightfully be punished, so go about trying to get punished for that thing, by committing further "crimes".

Also, the reverse. If they know they will be punished, in their view, unfairly, they may as well get a punishment for a big misdemeanor as a little one!

Also, it can be a cycle of revenge. She does something, you retaliate. She is resentful, and does something else, you retaliate, and so on.

The key is trying to understand the feelings behind the behaviour. Discipline is about enabling children to have control over themselves. It isn't about parents controlling their children.

Brilliant advice, that you all for taking time to reply. There's a lot of food for thought for me here to digest. Thanks again xx