concerns about MY behaviour and development

[whathaveibecome]

NC but regular here. This might be long so apologies in advance and please be gentle with me.
prior to being a mum i was a pretty placid person generally. I was no saint and could get seriously pissed off about things but i think in my whole life i must have shouted at someone about twice. Maybe three times?

Ds was born nearly three years ago. Really bad PND which had very intense treatment from psychiatrists etc and I got better quite quickly with medication etc. Afterthat all was fine. But since ds reached the terribke twos I feel I am losing it more and more. I am so irritable, so shouty, and I hate it. When he's in full tantrum i just can't cope. I yell at him and handle him quite roughly ( e.g. trying to strap him in pushchair). A few weeks ago i smacked him on the bottom - something i never, ever thought i would do. Today he has been tantrumming all day because he was clearly exhausted but absolutely refuses to nap. Twice i just had to walk out of the room and scream, slamming the door. I just said 'oh fuck off!' to him/myself when he was thrashing around refusing a nappy, which i think is totally unacceptable thing to say to a child. Sometimes i feel so angry i have mental images of really hurting him and it terrifies me. I'm pregnant again and really scared that this screaming banshee behaviour is going to get worse.
Please don't respond just to tell me what a terrible person i am. I know this behaviour is totally unacceptable and i can't believe this is me. I should say i do really love him and most of the time things are fine. I'm not constantly like this, but when it happens it's awful. I don't know what damage i might do to his development and can't bear the idea of him growing up to suffer the depression and selfloathing i feel because of bad parenting. Can anybody help?

Second child syndrome - you just don't care so much any more! It's nice!

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy. Lovely times ahead!

hope same goes for OP - second baby may make the rage easier to deal with

flipflop - the red mist you described earlier is EXACTLY what happens with me, AND the inanimate object fury. DH says he has never seen me as enraged as I get with the pushchair straps (which is the F^£$&ing work of the devil), which is ironic as he is the one who normally punches inanimate objects when cross (with much tutting from me as a consequence). I'm so glad I'm not the only one.
Fingers crossed newborn baby will work magic for you.

Just started reading a book called divas and dictators about improving behaviour in under 5 year olds that might help. Also tv is a great distraction. I have a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old found myself losing it on a few occasions. Do you have anyone that could mind your toddler regularly so you could get a break or have you thought of nursery?

By losing it I mean similar to you standing outside the room and swearing and even hitting myself!

stressbucket that's not losing it, that's "managing your emotions"

Losing it is if you scream AT them or where they can see/hear.

On the subject of second babies, one thing I find I have to be careful of is (1) toddler makes me enraged (2) I remain calm and adult with him (3) later, because I am all pent up from being calm (oh the irony!) I then get really irritated with my just turned five year old if she says she can't do simple things and I come out with "for goodness sake you are five years old sort it out!"

Which isn't very nice, those things probably are genuinely hard for her.

These holidays I am on a mission to try not to expect so much from my eldest, especially when struggling with my youngest; after all she is still very little herself.

I have felt the same way as you many times OP. I think it is quite normal to feel that way with a tantrumming toddler. I sent mine to nursery. It may not be an option for you, or something you would consider but it saved my sanity when I had a new baby. I know it's probably frowned upon here but where I live (overseas) I don't know a single mother of more than one child who doesn't send the older one to full time nursery.

Just wanted to say that I also experience the rage and although I've never been Zen, it's so much worse when pregnant or breastfeeding. My ds1 is 2.9 and ds2 6ms. I think the rage is akin to being a teenager for me so I can only attribute it to hormones. Can't really add any more advice other than the great stuff here except that I find it better when I have sleep. Just wanted you to know you're not alone and to wish you lots of luck. There is nothing harder than being pregnant and dealing with a toddler. Honestly. Hang in there.

Mummymay, I feel exactly the same as you about hormones. The only time I felt rage like this before was when I was a teenager. It's like a physical reaction.
OP, I have similar issues with my toddler, also pregnant. Will try to take on board some of the advice here.

The only advice I have to add is - get out of the house as much as you can manage. Try to make a list of all the places/things where your ds is most happy/amenable, and if the day starts going pear-shaped get out, to the playground, to watch diggers, to run in a wood, whatever (somewhere he can have some freedom and make some noise). Go to friends houses so you can drink tea while he's distracted playing with new toys, go to toddler groups, anything you can manage so it's not just the two of you winding each other up.
On a really hard day I have occasionally driven somewhere in the afternoon, with the sole aim of getting the dcs to sleep. Then stopped and a petrol station, bought chocolate and a trashy magazine, parked at the side of the road and just enjoyed the peace and quiet for half an hour.
Really hope things get better for you soon.

diyandeatcake chocolate in a service station while dc sleeps sounds like bliss! Unfortunately we don't have a car but i get the idea. I am lucky that there are lots of places to go and friends nearby for all kinds of weather but often the tantrums are directly caused by trying to get him to leave the house! So frustrating when i KNOW he will be happier if we can just get out and he won't cooperate. That's what happened on our awful day this Tuesday.
Good knews is, I've been much better the last few days. Some really provocative behaviour this morning but i remembered all the good advice on here and held it together. .. just! I looked up 'pregnancy rage' on google and discovered it's an actual thing especially in first trimester so I'm trying to stop beating myself up and focus on keeping calm instead. I'm also memorising the poem 'If' to receipt instead of swearing in moments of need, changing 'you'll be a man' to 'you'll be a mum'. Seriously, if any poem accurately describes the thankless frustrations of parenthood it's this!

To recite, not receipt.