Defiant, moaning,violent, and thats my 7 year old - *HELP*

[Sanity]

I am a Mum of four, and yes I find it hard to cope on occaisions, but I really don't know what I should do about my eldest daughter...she bullies her sister constantly, stratches, strangles, kicks and punches her - they do play nicely at times, they are now, but most of the time it is WAR! How do I punish my eldest without completely alienating her, how do I make her understand that her class mates don't like her because of how she treats her sister...my life is a hectic world, which I have chosen and love, but my eldest makes me feel out of control, I don't know how to parent her....when she is out, the house is quiet and peaceful!!! when she is in it is just noise and turmoil.

Tell her the truth-how horrible she is,put her in a room alone(not her bedroom) until she can decide to calm down and be kind.

Dp suggessted putting our dd in the shed,hasnt happened yet!

Sanity, is there a reason why your DS behaves so physically towards her sister? Has she always been like this, or is there someone outside the home who may be being unkind to her ie: someone at school who is bullying or mean?

It might be worth just checking if there is anything worrying her before you decide how to deal with her behaviour.

I have tried...although it was in her room, I can hear her now, telling her friend who is here for tea that she cannot like her sister...she can only like her....who do you like me or my sister, make your decision...what do I do, let her lose her only friend by letting her carry on and find out the hard way, how much do I involve myself?

Hi HumphreyCushion, yes she has always been like this, yes she was bullied at her previous school, but she has always been able to hold her own...and have me in tears without batting an eyelid. Don't get me wrong I am a fair and reasonably strict Mum, I don't stand nonsense, but the battle with her has been ongoing, unless she has her own way....she will not help tidy her own things, she will not do anything for anyone, but herself....I have to take responsibility for my daughters behaviour, and start on the right path of dicipline...arghhhh

It's tricky to know how far to step in to the situation with the friend, and I can see how you need her to find out for herself that people won't like being bossed about or made to choose between one person and another. I can also see that you certainly can't tolerate your other daughter being physically attacked and verbally bullied by her older sister. Might your eldest daughter be jealous of her younger sister?

Yes, she most definately is jealous of her sister, just the way she is able to attract people, as she is less bothered by what people think, what people wear, and is quite happy to play on her own.

I have an 8yo DS who is very determined, very good at negotiating, and very aware of his own requirements, shall we say! I find I have to be very consistent in disciplining him - and sometimes I just say no to things he wants (ie: playing out on his bike for half an hour) just to remind him who is in charge around here! His 10yo brother is completely opposite in character, and he is very laid back, so discipline for him has never been an issue. DS2 is certainly a challenge, and he thrives on being given responsibilities. He's also very up for helping around the house for monetary rewards. He needs to be kept busy, or he gets grumpy and looks for trouble!

Try doing some role plays with her - where you play her, and she plays your sister/her friend/ you etc. ASk "if you were me, how would you deal with this, what would you do?"

You could also reflect together on a difficult situation which happened recently (but long enough ago that everyone has had time to calm down). What did she feel like when x happened? What other ways might there have been to deal with those feelings?

I suspect that it's not just your oldest child who is causing this problem - it is about interactions with you/dp/her sister/friends/teacher so the blame is not just down to your dd and it may help to approach the issue with this in mind.

I keep x posting - sorry!

My eldest is quite 'cool', in that he makes friends easily, has his own style, is into skateboarding, doesn't get flustered by other people etc (also very lazy!). DS2 is always desperate to be the best he can be, can overwhelm his friends a bit, and gets very upset if they say anything unkind. I think he has very low self esteem (he was bullied at school for a while), and I am trying to build up his confidence by getting him into things he really enjoys, such as outdoor activities and swimming.

I also give both boys 30 minutes each per night with me to do whatever they want. DS1 usually chooses reading or playing a board game. DS2 likes us to watch Ray Mears or The Goodies on DVD and just snuggle up!

I appreciate all your advice, I am going to try the role play idea, I like that, to demonstrate how she makes others feel, but also I take on board the point that different levels of discipline are required for each child, I have been convinced I was too hard on D1 and caused the rebellion, but she was like it as a toddler....D2 is a happy go lucky child who is very upset if she upsets other people, so has natural empathy and ability to control the situation around her....if anything D1 has less maturity than D2, and needs more assistance in how to behave in life.....I would love it to be different, but I don't think it ever will be, just be varying degrees on how good or bad the day is.....we have often said D1 is the saying When she is good she is very very good and when she is bad she is horrid!!! still it doesn't make it any easier to live with...if any of you have any more ideas or tricks that you have tried in the past, please do keep me informed....

Well I am going to go and feed the little darlings....feel hole heeps better...and not on my own, joined this months ago as I moved to a new area and didn't use it....fab isn't it.....Sanity!

Hi Sanity, I have an 8.5yr old dd and 6wk old ds. My dd went through a revolting phase when she was 7 which was quite a shock as she had been a very placid, polite girl up until them when she morphed into something that resembled a pre-menstrual teenager! I mentioned it to a friend (a mum af 4 girls) and she called it the 'stroppy 7's' and said it happened to 3 out of her 4 and rivalled the terrible two's and treacherous teens any day!!! Good luck with whatever you choose to do but take comfort in the fact that it is probably developmental and will pass. My dd is restored back to her usual congenial self!