Will living with my domineering DM stop me bonding with DD?

[BadcatBertram]

I moved away from my EA partner when my DD was 6 weeks old back to my parents house. My DM was very supportive at a time when I was extremely low and didn't know what I was doing with my new DD. Time has passed and I'm still here. DD is 8 months and I feel it is a constant struggle with my DM with how she tries to take over.

She is very domineering and seems a bit obsessed with DD. She talks about her as if she is her child sometimes and tries to dominate her daily routines, what she eats, wears etc. I feel like I'm battling with her to be a parent to DD. She is quite passive aggressive so every time I challenge her, she will say she was only joking and not be so sensitive. She makes digs about how I do things but it's knocking my confidence with how I am with my DD. When I take DD out on my own ( which I do as often as possible) I feel fine and like I am doing a good job but at the house I am deflated. DM says that DD cries after her when she leaves a room ( I have never seen this) but has never done that for me. She smiles more at my DM too.

I honestly think that DD doesn't care if I'm not there as she never looks at me any differently to DM. I sometimes feel like her sister or babysitter. I am grateful for everything she has done but I feel trapped here, like I cannot be a proper mum to my DD. I can't move out until my house sells. My ex Dp is still living there whilst it sells.

Anyway, I wondered if anyone had been in this position and if it has had a negative affect on their DC? One friend says that it doesn't matter as DD won't remember anything except being loved. Another friend says that DD will start seeing my DM as her DM and that she'll miss out on forming that early bond with me.

Dd is very laid back and 'easy' and seems to go to anyone who wants to hold her with no crying or fuss. When I hear people talk about how clingy their babies are to them, it upsets me as DD is not like that with me at all. Will her development suffer because of this situation? I can't move out until at least the end of the year and it's getting me down. Thanks for reading.

Are you back at work, or home full time with your DD?

How much does your (D)M do for your DD on a daily basis?

By the way, your "friend" who says that you won't form a good bond with your DD is talking out of her arse. What a stupid thing for her to say - please don't give it any credance.

You carried your DD inside you for 9 months. She knows you intimately - your heart beat, your voice, your smell, your movements. You are here secure base from which she can explore and return to. Remember that only you have that connection to her, not your DM.

Thank you for your reply - yes it makes sense what you say about the natural bond and this is what is keeping me going at the moment. I basically do everything day to day - all nappy changes, 6am starts and night waking etc which is totally fine. DM gives me a break at various times throughout the day to get ready, shower, etc and I must stress I am very grateful for this. I let her give one or two bottle feeds a day as she loves feeding DD but I do all the solid feeds.

I am on mat leave at the mo and if I'm honest I'm still struggling to cope with my relationship breakdown. I've gone from having a partner, my own house and car to having nothing except my wonderful DD. This might explain why I'm feeling a bit down about everything. I know deep down that DD is happy but I just want to be the best mum I can be. Thanks again, it just helps seeing things written down.

Tell your mum to back the f* off.

Or suggest she helps only in certain ways, so get her washing and cleaning and feeding and doing baths. But make sure you buy/pick the food and you dress DD

Is your DM so passive aggressive and unpleasant about other areas of your life?

The comment about your DD supposedly crying when your DM leaves the room but not when you do is only worth saying to deliberately hurt you. There's no other reason to say it, unless she is spectacularly tactless! Have you told her that it was hurtful and asked her what her reasons are for hurting you? If she says that she's "only joking/don't be so sensitive" I would counter with the point that loving relatives don't joke about hurtful comments. Doesn't she care that she has hurt you with her comments? Even if she was joking (why, when it's not amusing?), now she knows she's upset you she should apologise and refrain from commenting on this sort of thing again. That's what a normal caring family member should do.

As for your DD not being clingy with you - that actually shows that you have a solid bond. She trusts that you will return and that you won't abandon her.

I have a relative who has lived with her DM (and DF) since her baby was born, who is now 4yrs old. She has a really good relationship with her child, and on top of that, her child also has a great (secondary) relationship with the grandparents. So it can be a good thing, as long as you can gain your confidence back. You are the only and best mum for your DD. She may have a good relationship with your DM but that is in addition to the primary relationship with you. You're doing a great job - you've had a lot to deal with at a time that is generally challenging anyway. Have some well earned and a .

I guess I'm in a similar situation with my MIL. Long story and don't wish to out myself but I am currently living with MIL and FIL. When my DD was much younger (she's just a bit older than yours now) and I had less confidence i did let MIL take over so much so I would end up watching as she did things for DD. For example, I wasn't very confident with bathing a newborn so asked MIL to show me. This turned into MIL automatically taking over at every bath time. Amongst other things.

I also had the doubts when DD would be laughing hysterically with MIL and not so much with me.

I'm very grateful that I have their help but felt it was affecting my bonding with DD. MIL did way too much.

So I decided as I was DD mother I needed to take back control. If I wanted to do something with DD I no longer felt the need to justify spending time with my daughter. Bath time - I took a leaf out of her book and assumed as mother that was my job most of the time and just said "I'm giving DD a bath".

What's helped the most is getting out - either to groups or just taking DD out for a walk/picnic in park where it's just the two of us. When you're living with other people it's difficult to have that one on one time.

I'm perfectly happy with PILs having time with DD (she enjoys it and I can get other things done) but I know how you're feeling and it's important to take control. Just remember you're the mother. Perhaps have some stock phrases ready - with clothes perhaps decide the night before what she's going to wear and if your DM says or goes to put her in something just say "No, I've already picked this out for her today".

Think of a few stock phrases for different situations so they're on hand. Who cares if you get repetitive maybe she'll back off a little and give you space to be the mother.

Does she have form for this in other situations? Just wondering if maybe she doesn't realise what she's doing? (The saying your DD cries when she leaves the room is rude and unnecessary though so perhaps not!)