DS 3.9 doesn't really want to do anything (with us) - at a loss

[confusedgirlfromtheShire]

At an absolute loss to know what to do with our DS. I think DH and I are failing him, so coming on here for advice. Sorry it's long, trying not to drip feed and answer possible questions in advance!

DS seems reasonably happy with us and enjoys our company. I work four days a week, DH full time. He is in nursery three days a week, sometimes he whines about going but always has fun there. He plays sort of with the other children, sort of on his own, but nursery have no concerns about him socially/developmentally. The fourth day is with his nan - they play toy trains (his favourite thing to do in the world), go to the shops or the park; he is usually good there too. He eats well and when at home and we aren't doing anything in the afternoon he will sleep for up to 2.5 hours and still sleep at night 8-7. Basically, trying to detach myself, I think he's a nice little boy with a lot to like about him, he is pretty good on playdates which we have regularly (say once or twice a week). He seems to come alive with other children he knows well and even that might take half an hour. He is chatty and confident once out of his shell.

The issue is that he is so scared of so many simple things or reluctant to do anything and the gap between him and other children his age is getting more and more noticeable. He will not:

• walk more than ten minutes
• play in the park if there are other children there, go on swings, slides, climbing frames....
• go for a walk into the woods behind our house with us.
• get in the bath without sobbing and crying because he's worried about water getting in his face. Hairwashing is a nightmare. Once in, he won't get out. Cries and panics he's going to get cold.
• go swimming. DH has tried multiple times. It takes 30 mins just to get him to dip a toe in, he's terrified. Kids half his age are going down the big slides and loving it. Makes us feel awful.

- ride a bike (will sit on it and walk but won't even attempt to pedal)

• won't go on a scooter (terrified of falling off)

- doesn't want to leave the house for his music class. Only thing that is guaranteed to get him out is going out with DH in his sports car.

• won't wear shorts - terrified of falling over. Took half an hour to get him in shorts the other day but it was 90 degree heat so had to really.
• dance or participate in any activities at parties (went to a 4year old's party last week- he stuck to me, in my arms, like velcro although he knew all the children who were his age). Wouldn't even dance quietly with me in the corner away from everyone else to "warm up". It was embarrassing for me to be honest. Every single other kid was participating. He was terrified and crying.

- enjoy grown up stuff like food festivals/craft markets with things for kids to do - hates facepainting, bouncy castles, merry-go-rounds...

He is not much of a fan of doing crafts/art at home, baking, and other gentler activities. Just worried that he is so..... limited and we struggle to know what to do with him. He seems so behind other kids and we are worried it will start to really put him at a disadvantage. Whatever we suggest, he doesn't want to do, cries and whines and wants to stay in and play with his trains. Weekends are very stressful as a result and frankly, boring. Please help - we are clearly failing him. I am heavily pregnant with DC2 and worried about doing it wrong all over again.

How is your DS with his practical life skills? Does he dress himself, put on his own shoes and coat (and put them away himself), help to cook his meals, pour his own drinks, have plants it is his job to water etc?

It sounds like he is 'stuck' in dependent toddler mode where he is only safe velcro-ed to you or repeating familiar routines. Responsibility might help him get out of this.

My DS's amazing Montessori pre-school have told me off lots of times for doing too much for DS. Each time they made the point that continuing to do things for him that he could do himself would actually damage his sense of self-assuredness and make him lose confidence in himself.

Agree with charlesryder. You need to give him more responsibilities - he can butter his own toast, poor milk on his cereals, dress himself, choose his clothes. You don't know the number of little girls who show up at nurseries wearing summer dresses in January and little boys wearing wellies in 25 degree heat. He needs to develop his confidence and decide things for himself, and you should support his decisions in a positive way. However, some things are not negotiable. IE, if it's raining outside, don't say 'would you like to put your rain coat on' say 'time to put your coat on. Do you want to put it on by yourself or should mummy do it?'

I am a child-minder and can see that most toddlers will want to go out for walks with me whereas they want to be carried by their parents. I disagree with the others that your DS gets too much attention - he may or may not get enough positive attention, it's hard to tell from what you are writing. I would actually suggest that you spend more time doing what HE wants to do, you join in his activities as opposed to him fitting in what you expect him to do.

Let him decide on what to do, and join in HIS activities. If he wants to pull a little pull along dog and it takes you an hour to go a few meters, so be it. If he wants to push toy cars down a little ramp for 20 minutes, join in what he does.

And I know plenty of toddlers who don't join in at parties. It's fine, some kids are scared/intimidated or shy in those situations. If you join in, and not put pressure on him, he may (or may not) join in in good time.

Just from personal experience; I wouldn't push swimming or even swimming lessons if he's not interest. I always disliked water (still hate getting splashed/in my eyes today) and was given private and school swimming lessons, I hated it and made me fear it more due to being told to "do" and when told "look everyone else is doing it" made me feel useless and upset. I'm now 24 and only can get in water if my feet touch the ground, it's not crowded. I'm now aquaphoic (fear of deep water/drowning).

Not saying this will happen, think it's unlikey. Just my take as a child forced into swimming lessons even if I disliked them. Have you though of buying a bigger paddling pool and teaching him to swim at home so he has bit more confidence when attempt to go swimming?

multiplemama I feel so sad about your experience but you are an example of exactly why the OP should persist with swimming (or at least splashing about in the water and water confidence).

I'm sorry you had such rubbish teaching - as I did too. Even a a trainee swimming teacher I had my doubts about swimming in deep water and I hated going upside down/doing tumble turns etc. I don't know because I learnt how to do them and practised. It's the only way to beat fear.

Please OP don't walk away from activities that your little boy is scared of, but don't be afraid to step back and go at them in a way he's ok with. This might mean (with swimming for example) doing it for a very very short time every day for a week.

Sorry, have slightly derailed the thread but this is my area of expertise...

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't persist or encourage, or walk away but try different options but if he's insistent he doesn't want to then back off for awhile (like limit the times you're there for).

I hope he'll overcome this and enjoys swimming! :)

To add for swimming - we travel to a leisure pool where there is a gentle slope from the side, and even a toddler can stand comfortably with the water just around their ankles at first. My terrified DS who wouldn't even put a foot in the water in our local pool, now is happy out of his depth with armbands and one of us, kicks away, chooses to float and loves swimming.

Thanks all, sorry for not coming back on the thread for a while - been very busy at work and an exhausted, melted pregnant mess in the evenings.

Some really good points and thank you again for taking the time to post. A fair few things you've suggested are things we do already, but it's good to have some validation! Nice also to hear that there are other children like him out there and at the root of it is just being very sensitive. I can see the good in this as well as the negative, long term.

We took him to the National Space Museum recently on the way back from holiday, when it was quiet and he LOVED it - had to drag him out after three hours as we had a long drive home, so maybe more that sort of activity is indeed the way to go? I think the key was that there weren't too many people around. We give him loads of praise for stuff like this, when he does well with a new experience. There is usually a soft toy, book or comforter nearby, so we will persist with this, so he can zone out if he needs some "safety".

Yeah, he seems to favour being babied - says he "can't" dress himself, "can't" undress himself, "can't" feed himself - well he can, can use a knife and fork if pushed but he still prefers to be spoon fed - which we are of course resisting. We do do quite a lot for him because it's just easier, especially when we are short of time. OK, we'll give him more responsibility then to build his confidence. New baby and a year of mat leave, at a slower pace with me not working, could be useful for this....

Nursery - his style is that he seems quite confident, likes the other kids and plays with them (even tries to feed the younger ones at mealtimes!) but is often on his own too, happily playing. He joins in all the activities. Good communication skills, very affectionate towards the staff, as well as to me and DH. They have no issues or concerns whatsoever. Sometimes I don't recognise the child they're describing.

We join in his activities as much as we possibly can and try to be enthusiastic, but we have to do it in fairly short bursts (20 mins) because it gets soooo dull and my energy levels are pretty low right now.

Let's see what happens over the next few months....

Glad he enjoyed the Space Museum. It's my DS's favourite place :)

Loads of great advice on this thread. From personal experience I would advise you to try not to talk about him being shy/sensitive in front of him. My parents did it to me as a child and it made me even more self conscious. Ds1's best friend is a really lovely, cheeky little boy once he knows you but takes a while to warm up in new situations. We often share lifts to parties and days out. If he comes with me he gets involved most of the time. If his mum takes them (who often goes on about how shy he is/he won't join in/he won't like thinhs etc in front of him) he will sit out or cry. Not accusing you of anything op, just thought I'd mention it.

My son has these tendencies. He's just sensitive but his younger brother has opened my eyes to what a 'normal' baby/toddler is like. Mine wouldn't tolerate singing in groups - had to rush out of toddler groups and birthday parties all the time. He just wouldn't try anything unless he knew he could do it perfectly. He is much better now - he's 4 and does lots more. He has made proper friends at pre school and that has helped. He can be a bit of a follower. His little brother has also helped. He is 2 years younger, but there are things that my eldest never attempted until he saw his little brother doing it - trying new foods, taking shoes/socks off, attempting to get dressed, big slides.. I think it's so hard but they have to make their own way.