DD has been having bad tantrums for the last 3 years. She is just 5 now and we are in desperate need of help

[hereagain99]

Hi, as said in the title, DD is just 5 years old. She has been having tantrums for the last 3 years and they don't seem to stop. We are lucky if we find ourselves with a day without any tantrums

We are not able to identify any triggers to this behaviour. Today, for example, it started in the bath. She has a little scratch on her back, DP was preparing the bath and she had started saying the she didn't want a bath because her back hurt. DP then said that she could have a shower and that we would keep her back dry. It follow the same that happens every time, "but I want a bath" " but I want a shower" (not able to make a decision or maybe she is just looking for the argument). At the end DP empty the bath once and had to fill the bath again as per her request.

Bath time, DD got in the bath and I was washing her body without wetting her back. She started shouting that she wanted a shower to which I replied that she was having a quick wash and she threw herself in the bath with her back in the water . When I finished she started saying that she didn't wanted to come out so I lifted her out. She went back inside the bath saying that she wasn't coming out . I lifted her out again and emptied the bath before she got back in.

This carried on for the whole bed time. She was screaming her head off, stamping and she even threw the water bottle down the stairs. She calmed down after 50 minutes approx and went to sleep. Not without complaining that she was thirsty to which I explained her that if she was thirsty she should have not thrown the bottle down the stairs. I gave her some water in the kitchen and she went back to her room to sleep.

We have started a new way of handling this situations in the last two weeks. If these tantrums occur during the day, we warn her that her behaviour is not appropriate. If she carries on, we tell her that we don't talk with her while she is behaving this way and ignore her which she very quickly composes herself and changes her behaviour. We praise good behaviour and give marbles as she likes this (her school uses this and she loves it). Unfortunately we have not been able to get to 20 marbles in her pot yet

Bed time is more difficult to ignore as she needs to go to bed, so we don't do ignoring. We just get her ready for bed and leave her in her room. This means that sometimes we have to put her a few times in her room as she gets out. What we do at bed time is warn her that if her behaviour carries on she won't have a bed time story but in reality this doesn't stop her behaviour even though we follow the threat. We also warn her that we will take marbles from her pot but again this doesn't work even when she sees us removing marbles from her pot.

We are in desperate need of ideas please. Should we consider professional help? She is doing well in school. We had parents evening last night and for what they told us, they must have a completely different child to the one we leave in school and pick up

Thanks in advance

Thank goodness two weeks ago you finally put some proper procedures in place! What made you think pandering to her was ever a good idea especially as she wasn't even sure of what she wanted?

It seemed she was looking to you, the adults for guidelines but wasn't getting any. You need to set the ground rules and have procedures and consequences which she seems to respond to.

If you have zero tolerance of unacceptable behaviour it is remarkable how quickly children respond. As a Brownie/Beaver/Cub volunteer it is interesting to observe how whiny and spoilt children can become when around an indulgent adult who lacks the most basic leadership/parenting skills.

Children feel safe when they know the boundaries. Ultimately you will want your child to grow up kindhearted and thoughtful and there are plenty of 5 year olds who are just that, so may be you need to do some research into improving your parenting skills as your dd seems to really be struggling with that.

Hi wotoodoo.

We have had different procedures in this house. Both DP and myself work with children so we know very well how important is to set the boundaries in a clear and simple way so children can understand and follow.

We have had House Rules for the last 2 years which DD helped to create. House rules have been modified twice in accordance with her age.

We have never spoilt our DD and we know that what we are teaching her works because she knows very well how to behave every where else (in school, at restaurants, with friends, when she goes for play dates to other people's houses and so on)

So please don't tell us that we need to research into improving our parenting skills because we have done it. We have used different techniques and they have not worked. That is why we are asking in here if someone else have any ideas.

Another reason why I will never take my DD to brownies. Thanks for your advice

Tantrums appear to work. Your DH filled the bath. He emptied the bath. He filled the bath again. What on earth was going on there? Stop negotiating!

So basically you are putting the blame squarely on the shoulders of your 5 year old dd. Fine. Have you had her checked for special needs? But it doesn't seem likely does it? Especially as you say she is perfectly behaved with everyone outside the home apart from with you two.

Anyone reading what you have written would raise their eyebrows at your merry go round dancing to the tune of your dd's demands: to shower, no bath, no shower, no wonder you are utterly frustrated and she sounds completely overwhelmed by both physical and emotional anxiety, stress and frustration with you both and the environment you create.

I wonder why you think your parenting skills are beyond reproach? For most people parenting is a lifelong learning curve.