dh screaming and swearing at ds

[raggybaggy]

I got a horrible shock this morning. My dh was shortly leaving for work and I asked him to keep an eye on our 16 month old for a couple of mins so I could go to the loo. My DS started crying when I closed the bathroom door and I told my dh to go and play ball with him or something to stop him crying. I heard them go downstairs and then my dh started shouting really loudly and swearing. I was really alarmed thinking that something bad had happened - I imagined that ds had spilt boiling tea on dh or something.... But when I got downstairs, DS was cowering on the floor crying and DH standing over him shouting and looking really angry. I picked up poor sobbing ds and asked dh what had happened. He said that ds wouldn't stop crying. And that was the reason for this terrible, frightening, obscene screaming fit that DH had just had. I'd only been in the loo for about 60 seconds!

I'm so upset and angry that DH could do this. Our son is quite a sensitive child (ok, I know I sound like a real pansy mum!).
DH doesn't seem remotely sorry and says that I have screamed and shouted at Ds (which is true but a long time ago usually at 3.00am when I was sleep deprived). If DH had been screaming and swearing at me like that I'd be packing my bags and going to my parents.
DH does have a tendancy to be a bit of a bully and I'm really worried that he's going to be a bullying dad to our little boy.

DH phoned later and had a go at me for sounding grumpy and told me to "get over it" (i.e. his horrible behaviour this morning). He wasn't sorry and was very hostile.

Why isn't he sorry? Am I over-reacting?

I'd wait till he came home and then smack the bar-steward round the head with a rolling pin!
What a fecking bully! This is not good. YOur DS doesn't need a bullying daddy. What is your DH's problem???

You are not over-reacting.
What an unkind and unacceptable way to behave to a little boy of 16 months (same age as mine)
I can understand (a tiny bit) doing it if you're pushed to the edge but then not to be immediately dragged down with a terrible remorse would be very odd to me.
I think you need to sit down together and talk through what happened and why and then both sign up to some strict rules for parenting ie.no shouting, no smacking etc etc
Your dh needs to first understand that what he did was wrong though.
Do you think he can?

You aren't over-reacting.

I have no idea why he isn't sorry, but TBH if my DH did that and then reacted that way I would be packing my bags and going to my parents. As you said, I'd do it if he did it to me and DS is far more important (and vulnerable) than me.

I'm not saying that you should necessarily do that, but I would be very very worried.

I will declare an interest in that I am not entirely unbiased my siblings and I grew up with a father who did this (and it generally kicked off at around this age, once the "cute baby" stage was out of the way and the "typical toddler" years started) and it damaged us all to a greater or lesser extent. It's the one thing I have vowed is not going to happen to my child, ever. My mother will freely say now that she should have left when we were small and that if she had her time over again then she would do (they are still just about -- together).

Tell him this - that shouting at babies is only ever vaguely acceptable when you are at the very end of your tether. And in those cases it is an indication of time to figure out other ways of dealing with the stress of a crying baby. Shouting at a baby who has been crying for 2 minutes is simply bullying and ask him what he thinks about a grown adult who feels the need to bully a baby?
for you and your baby.

Not over-reacting...the lack or remorse it very worrying. I think most parenst will admit to having had a moment ( or several) when their child's behavior ( often of the constant crying/whining variety) has lead to them "losing their temper" and shouting at them...but as welshmum says, this is usually always followed by almost immediate feelings of guilt. Givingthe benefit of teh doubt could DH's subsequent grumpiness be his way of masking his guilt? Some people don't cope well with feeling they were wrong...

Also, it only took a few minutes for your DH to lose his rag totally?? Not good.

You are not over reacting. How dare he treat anyone that way, never mind a little child. He -DH - needs help, at the very least. To tell you the truth I'm getting upset just thinking about the pig.

Although it's not okay. I think that it's possible for a person to have a bad day. I know that I have shouted at my kids when feeling particularly frazzled for not much reason at all (I don't swear at my children though).

Has this happened before? What is he normally like with DS? Does the fact that your DS cries when you are out sight normally irritate him and has it been a particular problem lately?

Sometimes it pays to take a whole view of a situation before casting judgement.

were my initial thoughts, agree with dejags though, stand back and have a look at whole situation.

No actually I think in truth everyone has snapped and shouted at our children but then feel really awful and guilty 60 seconds later and I cant imagine shouting at one of my children while they were cowering on the floor

I agree Toady.

When I re-read about the cowering on the floor. That's just a bit over aggressive.

I think my initial moderate reaction was a knee-jerk MN reaction. There is too much "get rid of him" advice IMO. I do think that posts are sometimes one sided and you don't get to hear what the other party has to say so I try to be the voice of reason.

Nothing reasonalbe about swearing at a baby to the point that they cower on the floor though

That probably wasn't directed at me, but just in case (as I was the person who said something closest to "get rid of him") I did say that raggybaggy shouldn't necessarily do what I would do, and qualified that I was coming from a biased viewpoint.

It's not the shouting itself that bothers me so much. DH snaps and shouts at DS sometimes (although never to anything even faintly like the extent that raggybaggy mentions). But he always realises pretty quickly that he's overreacted and is sorry.

I do think there is some problem here that NEEDS to be sorted. I really very much hope that it can be sorted without drastic action.

I agree that it is not acceptable behaviour from an adult man to a small child. I've shouted at ds before, but usually in the wee hours of the morning and my dh always has a go at me for doing so even then!

On the other hand, he might feel bad and be trying to make out that it's not a big deal to make himself feel better. I would start of asking my dh if he thought that he had been reasonable and see whether he concedes that he was wrong, if it were me. Or if he can be a bit sensitive to perceived criticism (like mine) say that you thought it was an overeaction and is there something else which is stressing him out at the moment... Giving him an out might enable him to say that he was in the wrong more easily and open up a constructive discussion rather than prompting a defensive reaction...

How is Raggybaggy now? I have been in this situation and its awful. You feel guilty for allowing it to happen and confused as to how you can love someone that does that? I agree that you need to think about the whole picture, maybe there is something external thats bugging dh, im not excusing tho. x

i think what mumpbump makes alot of sense,that is what i would do,but what worries me is that u said he is a bully anyway,and that he lost his rag straight away?
yes we've all had times we later regreted where we've been listening to whining/crying/screaming for hours and we've had enough and snapped,mums and dads alike,but it sound like he was just being a bully plain and simple.
i may be biased also,as my ex partner used to shout at the kids when they were little,usually when he was going through a time of trying not to hit me and needed another vulnerable person to take it out on.my ds1 was very clingy and sensitive from a very early age.
if u can,talk to him,i mean if it was out of character and u think deep down he's sorry.but if he thinks that it's ok to do that u may have to accept he's a bully....

Hi everyone and thanks for your views.

I had several "conversations" with DH about this yesterday and he tried a lot of different tactics to get me to back down and drop the subject - he's a skillful manipulator and even tried to get me to apologise for implying he's a bad parent! In the end he admitted that he felt terrible about shouting at ds and was stressed cos he was running late for work.

I do think he has a problem managing his anger. he's never hit me but he's scary when he loses his temper (red face, boggling eyes, throbbing veins etc...!) I'm going to try and convince him that he should do a stress management course or something. His Mum reckons he's got a blood pressure problem and this makes him really tetchy - ever heard of that?

If he goes mad at ds again for no good reason I'm going to go and stay with my Mum.

Anyway thanks everyone for your kind words/advice
Raggybaggy x