12.5 year kid boy hitting his mother

[BuddhaBelly]

Hi, my friend has 3 boys aged 12.5, 8 and 4 and just lately the oldest has become quite a handful. He answers back, is cheeky and is very defiant (more so to Mum rather than Dad) now that part I think is probably the norm for that age group but in the last few months he's turned violent as well. He hits out and punches and kicks his mum. Last night he not only hit, pushed and kicked her but started to smash things up and trash the bedroom. She has tried not to react but last night she had to pin him down to stop him attacking her. Her dh came home and got him to clear up but didn't deal with the violence. My friend is at her wits end. She's spoken to GP about it and he's offered to do a behavioural referral but her dh won't agree. What advice/help can I give her?

Why won't her dh agree? That is not normal behaviour and she and her son need support!

Whao, first divorce the father.

This will be unpopular but at that age he'd be getting some back I am afraid. Just enough to prevent him from hurting me and then usual removal of all nice things plus lots of talking to find out what else is going on. What's the DH like other than this?

I think that her DH is a wet piece of lettice. A twelve year old child will soon be a fifteen year old and have a the strength of a man. He could seriously injure his mother unless he gets help.

Surely its better to get help than to allow the situation to get to a point where the mother has to put her son into care to protect herself and younger sibblings.

NickiFury: This will be unpopular but at that age he'd be getting some back I am afraid

I agree.

I brought up 3 strapping boys alone and totally agree with nick too. They simply wouldn't have dared to even tho they are twice my size!!

i'd call the police. I think sometimes kids need a reality check - that this is criminal behaviour. get her to speak to her PCSO and see what they can suggest.

Thanks for replies. She did struggle not to retaliate but when she did that before it made the situation worse as he kept threatening to ring childline! She thinks he's feeling jealous of his younger brothers, says she treats them differently etc, what he doesn't see is that he is treated differently as he's allowed to walk to school with friends, go to their houses or into town etc giving him independence but he can't see that. I don't think she would ring the police although I think she should too, bit of a wake up call for both ds and dh

I don't think it's about "retaliation", I think it's about regaining control of the situation.

I would say "call them sweetie, you can have the phone right after I have called the police seeing as you attacked me first, just give me a second"

She cannot allow herself to be held to ransom by that fear.

I've never hit my children, she doesn't need to "hit" him but she needs to show him that she will respond in kind to defend herself. I've an 11 year old and if he tried that with me he'd be restrained and bundled off to his room quicker than a flash. She has every right to do that.

What is the Dad like? Does he model respectful treatment of his wife, their mother?

"i'd call the police. I think sometimes kids need a reality check - that this is criminal behaviour. get her to speak to her PCSO and see what they can suggest."

That will result in the boy getting a criminal record. The OP could call social services and get support instead.

My son is the same age and is bigger than me. Its not an option to smack a 12.5 year old boy.

I'd think very carefully before ringing the police. Yes I know he had done something terrible but he could then have a record forever (depending on what career path he chooses)
Has she tried talking to the school? I know my sons school has a huge support network including child counsellors. I think they'd be able to give her a better view if services available.

My son is 12.5 and would never dream of hitting me I hope (this is always easier said than done) but if he did he'd wished he was never born.

Social services will do nothing except ask the child what his mother did to make him so angry

They do nothing about child on parent violence.

I think the police are familiar with this sort of behaviour. I very much doubt they would convict or caution a 12 year old, but might be able to speak sternly to him and let him know what will happen if he behaves like this in the future. Get her to talk to her local police officer about what could be done.

Thanks. The school idea is a good one, I will suggest to her. Also perhaps talking to local cso for some advice. Just not sure she'll do it as I think her dh is in denial