racist remarks from my 3yo - any advice?

[93pjb]

Hi,

My 3yo has been telling his childminder's daughter (also 3) that she can't touch his things because they are only for people with white skin not brown skin like hers....

We live in a very diverse community and he's been with his childminder since he was 8 months old so it's not like her skin colour is something new to him.

I am struggling with how to deal with it, I tried talking about how we all look different in lots of ways but that we are all the same inside but other than him substituting brown for black it hasn't made any difference.

I don't know why he is so aware of skin colour, his older sister just wasn't at the same age (and still isn't) and we don't define people by their skin colour at home. His other major influence is his childminder and it is definitely not coming from there as we've talked about it before.

I guess it's normal for a 3 yo to try to impose rules and order in a confusing world but this is obviously very upsetting for his childminder and I'd be so sad if my child had to hear something like that so young even if it was from another little one.

I've ordered a book about diversity and have tried to tell him that he needs to share and talking about people like that is very upsetting and isn't allowed but I'm not sure I'm having much impact...

I know I'm not alone as there was a similar thread in AIBU recently but that just descended into a bun fight and I thought I'd better start a new thread rather than getting embroiled in that...

Any advice welcome!

He is not rascist, at that age they can be possessive over their belongings and if he is with this little girl a lot of the time, he may see her as more of a sibling and that's when rivalry occurs!

He has picked on one thing that is different about her to him and used it as a means of excluding her from playing with his toys.

This is an excellent book

www.amazon.co.uk/Colors-Us-Karen-Katz/dp/0805058648

very upsetting for everyone....but what does your cm say? this is happening while he's in her care, so she must have a strategy.

More books here

www.amazon.co.uk/All-Kinds-People-Lift-Flap/dp/1857070674/ref=pd_cp_b_0

www.amazon.co.uk/My-World-Your-Melanie-Walsh/dp/0552550558/ref=pd_cp_b_1

www.amazon.co.uk/Its-Okay-To-Be-Different/dp/0316043478/ref=pd_cp_b_2

www.amazon.co.uk/Were-Different-Sesame-Street-Pictureback/dp/0679832270/ref=pd_cp_b_3

while i think it is great to talk about diversity, at some point you just have to say no you can't say it.

tell him that we don't point out the ways in which people are different. We don't say you are black or very tall or fat or anything like that. If you have a question you can ask mummy or cm, but you can't say it.

My friend has a thing she does with her SEN son, who was noticing difference and shouting it across the supermarket (look mummy she is muslim) after learning about it in school.
See it/notice it (uses a sign - finger form eye to object)
think about it (sign= thumb to forehead)
No need to say it (sign is finger on lips)

thank you - those are great book suggestions shia

steppemum I think you are right, just explaining diversity isn't really getting the message across. I think it might need to be the childminder who says "no, we don't say that" though, as when I try to do it when we're at home, it's long after the event and I don't think he's got much idea what I'm on about.

shallishanti it is really emotive, particularly as it is the childminder's own child he's doing it with but as Shia said, it is almost a sibling relationship. I guess I need to agree a strategy with the childminder, what I do on my own doesn't have as much impact

Thank you for such constructive advice