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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

dd is absolutely foul to my oldest friend's dd

26 replies

quesadilla · 12/07/2014 15:02

My dd, who is 3 and a half, has developed a total neurosis about my friend and her two daughters who are 2 and 3 months.

Its becoming a real problem. Almost every time we see them (which is a fair amount as they live locally) she kicks off and starts screaming that she doesn't want to play with the older daughter, it inevitably upsets my friend's kids and on two recent occasions we've had to cut social events short because of it. I can tell my friend (who is sleep deprived and finding things quite difficult anyway) is running out of patience with this, though she tries to hide this.

DD is an only, and is at nursery all week, if that's at all relevant, and used to be quite shy but has really come out of her shell recently. She doesn't do this with any other kids. There's no way anything traumatic or untoward could have happened around this family either, I have known the mum for 30 years and she is utterly trustworthy, ditto the dad (who is also not around that much), I have always been present when we see them and the little girl is very mild-mannered.

Any suggestions? I'm upset because I feel my friend thinks I ought to have handled it by now and because its making it hard for me to spend time with her. And is this normal or should I be worried?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

tobysmum77 · 12/07/2014 15:20

If the problem is that she doesn't want to play with the 2 year old then at the risk of stating the obvious why doesn't she play on her own?

Original poster

quesadilla · 12/07/2014 15:23

tobysmum it doesn't even get to that point -- she kicks off as soon as we see them. We went round to their house earlier today to drop off some hand-me-down clothes. DD refused to go into the house, wanted to stay on her own in the front garden (which is close to a busy road so that's a non-starter) and screamed when she was picked up and put into the house.

I don't try to make her play with the 2 year old, I don't care if she wants to play on her own. But she wont go anywhere near them.

OP posts:

LoveBeingInTheSun · 12/07/2014 15:27

Maybe she's bored, she's used ow to playing with older kids and sees your friends doc too often?

Original poster

quesadilla · 12/07/2014 15:33

LoveBeingInTheSun we don't see them all that often. Once a fortnight, maximum. We're not always in and out of one another's houses. I work full time and my friend has a newborn so neither of us can get out much in the week. Also she doesn't really have time to get bored, she does it within seconds of seeing them.

I think you might be onto something with the thing about older kids though. She is much keener on 4/5/6 year olds than younger toddlers and babies.

Its very embarrassing and upsetting though. Hope it will pass....

OP posts:

MrsCakesPremonition · 12/07/2014 15:34

Could you try meeting on neutral territory a few times, at the park or similar?

My DS went through a similar phase not wanting to spend any time with his grandparents, not even go into their houses. So we sat him in the hall, left the jar and carried on having a lovely time until nosiness would eventually trump the tantrum and he'd creep into the room. The phase lasted about 18 months. One memorable Mother's Day was spent with him sat in the car refusing to come in at all. We kept an eye on him through the window and he was quite calm and relaxed, and the visit was a bit short but I told him I wanted to see my mummy and he could either come in or wait outside.

If this is a bit much for your friend with her little baby, maybe just meet up without your DD for a while and try again in a couple of months.

tobysmum77 · 12/07/2014 15:34

so in fact it's got nothing to do with the 2 year old at all? she's being really naughty surely, unless she's told you there's a problem? Can't you just pick her up, put her in a different room in the house and ignore her until she stops?

Is it easier/ worse if they come to you?

Original poster

quesadilla · 12/07/2014 15:40

MrsCakes yes its generally easier in the park.

Tobysmum I don't know... if I say we're going to x's house (referring to the child's name) she will say "no, I don't want to see x."

I think leaving her to stew it out on her own is generally the best policy but its not always that practical. I'm quite happy to do this but the problem is that it upsets my friend's DD a lot and I feel responsible. We had to leave today after about five minutes. I had put my DD in her buggy in the hall with the straps on (so she could see and hear me but so she wasn't the focus of attention and wasn't upsetting the little kids) but that didn't really sort the problem out.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 12/07/2014 15:43

it will be an annoying phase. I would try and meet without your dd for a while, and thank your friend for her patience as youre running out of ideas

MrsCakesPremonition · 12/07/2014 15:43

There is probably a bit of jealousy there too. Not only do you probably coo over the baby, but you probably say nice stuff to the other little girl, and you want to talk to your friend. And everyone knows that a 2yo's world is all about ME!!!

tobysmum77 · 12/07/2014 15:48

so neutral ground maybe I see the issue with upsetting the other lo. She isn't 2 though is she but 3.5?

Branleuse · 12/07/2014 15:49

is she jealous that the girl has got a baby sister and she doesnt maybe?

LoveBeingInTheSun · 12/07/2014 15:57

You can't make them be friends eitger

tobysmum77 · 12/07/2014 16:10

thinking about it, rather than just letting them be while you and friend have cuppa can you make her want to go round by her getting the chance to do something she likes while she's there?

Original poster

quesadilla · 13/07/2014 08:47

tobysmum yeah, think I need to work on this. They have some awesome toys there including a little multi-story carpark which DD loves. Need to really sell this.

LoveBeingInTheSun I have already explained further up I am not trying to make them be friends, I don't care if they are friends or not I just want there not to be meltdowns every time I go round there.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 13/07/2014 08:57

Maybe she just doesn't like her. I really disliked my mum's best friend's daughter, yet it was assumed we should like each other and play nicely just because we were similar ages and our mums were friends. It took me til my teens to have the vocabulary and maturity to articulate this.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 13/07/2014 09:04

But at 3 not wanting to be friends but still having an expectation of playing with them is the same thing.

500smiles · 13/07/2014 09:22

My mums best friend had two DDs, the youngest was dsis best friend too. That meant that I got lumbered with other DD - neither of us liked it and both made get together difficult.

You can't force friendships but maybe could give them separate space.

davidjrmum · 13/07/2014 09:45

In some ways, it doesn't sound much different from my younger brothers phobia of my mum washing her hair at about that age (he's 40 now so this was a long time ago!). He used to go into total meltdown and nothing my mum could say or do would change that. He grew out of it eventually. My mum's approach after a few weeks when it was clear that nothing was going to work was to wash her hair after he'd gone to bed. It does sound as though your dd has developed a similar almost irrational phobia to this 2 year old in which case I'm not sure it will help to think of it as your dd being naughty. I can also remember the little girl next door being absolutely terrified of my dad because he had a beard, my dd was terrified of the hoover and my ds was so frightened of hand dryers in toilets that he would go into meltdown if he just so much as glanced at one. Fears at this age aren't particularly rationale but they don't last long. In your shoes, I think I would probably try to keep contact to a minimum for now and as others above have said, perhaps think about meeting on neutral territory, where there is plenty else to keep your dd occupied, when you do.

BuzzardBird · 13/07/2014 10:19

Why don't you tell her beforehand that if she has nice manners while you visit that you will treat her to something she really, really wants on the way home? Maybe she needs to be taught the 'value' of good behaviour and that her behaviour is considered rude?

Apologies, if you have already tried this.

combust22 · 13/07/2014 10:34

buzzard- is that not teaching the benefits of bribery?

OP I would simply arrange to see your friend without your DD around.

BuzzardBird · 13/07/2014 11:41

No, rewarding good behaviour (or bribery, if you like) has worked extremely well for me and dd. It will, of course, not work for everyone. Children are all different, but Op was asking for suggestions.

Branleuse · 13/07/2014 11:55

nothing wrong with a bit of initial bribery in order to instill a good habit.

I dont still need to give my children a chocolate button every time they piss in the right place

Finola1step · 13/07/2014 12:02

I have a 3 year old dd. I work 4 days a week, Fridays off. She is nursery 2.5 days and with dh rest of the time. She is a sociable, confident, happy child.

She started a dance class on Friday afternoons. She was so excited to go. Settled well for first couple of weeks then hated it. Flat refused to go. I eventually worked out that in her mind, Friday is "our" day together and she just wanted it to be me and her. No friends, no dance classes, just us being out together until we pick up ds from school.

Could this be the same for your dd?

Original poster

quesadilla · 13/07/2014 12:47

Finola yes I've wondered about this too. Because I work full time, the time we spend together is very precious (for both of us). She plays up quite often if there are other people involved, whether children or adults.

We went for a walk a few weeks ago with a friend of mine (who doesn't have kids) and she kicked off then as well for a bit, though she calmed down a bit later.

Its quite a tricky one I don't really want to have to work five days a week but its unavoidable my employer won't let me go down to any less and I'm also the main breadwinner in my family so we need the money.

Most of the time I don't bother with guilt about this as there's sod all I can do so it serves no purpose to feel guilty. By and large DD is a happy child and is happy at her childminders. But when things like this happen I do wonder about whether she just wants to spend more time with me.

By and large I'm quite happy hanging out with her on her own but I don't want it to become an issue for her to play with other people and for her to become super possessive about me.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 13/07/2014 13:13

I do take your point about her being able to play with others and not be super possessive of you.

Maybe try to keep it just you and her on one of the days you are off. The guilt will always be there but you have to provide a home for her. But I don't need to tell you this.

It's a phase. It will pass.

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