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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

tell me what to do!!!!!!

29 replies

alexsmum · 11/09/2006 16:45

starting a new thread -desperate for help.ds1 aged 6 has deliberately burnt my leather sofa with a lamp.as adoption is out of the question and i can't kill him what do i do? completely out of my parenting depth here.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

spykid · 11/09/2006 16:46

Time out.

1 minute for each year of his life

Original poster

alexsmum · 11/09/2006 16:47

you reckon 6 minutes time out is enough punishment for deliberately burning something?

OP posts:

anniediv · 11/09/2006 16:48

Ask him to choose his favourite toy. Then put it somewhere visible (eg top of wardrobe) but inaccessible. Tell him it's staying there until he...[whatever it is you want him to do]

spykid · 11/09/2006 16:49

Is this the first incident of it's kind?

time out will give you time to calm down too.

Maybe take away privellages for a week...no TV?

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 16:50

I don't think time out is enough in this instance. Is this a one off? Even so this is serious IMO. I know he's only 6 but I'd be fuming if my 6yr old did this. What's going on at school? Has his teacher said anything?

I'd take his fave thing off him for a week or so if it was me. Hope you get some more advice hun.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 11/09/2006 16:50

Stern talking to. Repeat of same by DH / Grandma / whoever is available. Repeat at bedtime. Bed without story. Loss of some privilege at weekend?

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 16:51

seems we all have same idea? If he's a climber maybe in the loft or locked away?

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 11/09/2006 16:51

I have to confess I don't do the 'one minute for each year of their life stuff' - it's just too short- and never gives either of the DS's time enough!!!

But in this instance I'm not sure what I'd - as didn't you say in your last thread that it hasn't just happened had happened a little while ago (this morning/last night???).

spykid · 11/09/2006 16:52

AAhh just read oother thread and see this hasn't only just happened....time out no good then!!!

deffo take away privellages..is this out of character?

fairyjay · 11/09/2006 16:53

Why did he do it alexsmum? Has he said? I'd be livid as well!

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 16:54

I'd even say you were going to go (wherever?) this weekend but as he's done this it's cancelled.

Original poster

alexsmum · 11/09/2006 16:55

have told him no tv for 2 weeks and no park after school for two weeks.
as far as i know it's the first incident.he did it yesterday and didn't tell me.
sent him to his room to think about it.

just feel so disappointed in him and feel sick as as sofa quite new and was very expensive. we don't have much money and feel like he is just taking the piss.

OP posts:

Original poster

alexsmum · 11/09/2006 16:56

i discovered the burn this am and he has told this last 30 mins that he did it.

OP posts:

Ulysees · 11/09/2006 16:56

are you insured? I hope so hun

Original poster

alexsmum · 11/09/2006 16:56

i asked him why he did it and he said he didn't know.

OP posts:

mrsjaja · 11/09/2006 17:10

dont know is an answer my brothers used a lot, but there was usually soemthing behind it. Extreme thing to do for no apparent reason - he could have burnt the house down..... DH says have a funeral pyre of his fav toys but i think that is a but strong. I deffo agree with the denial of privileges.

Original poster

alexsmum · 11/09/2006 17:11

that's what i said to him-he could have burnt the house down-could have killed us all.

OP posts:

Original poster

alexsmum · 11/09/2006 17:24

ok dh is on his way home and is going to have a mega stern convo with him and try and get to the bottom of what happened.also think i'm going to do as one of you suggested and getsomeone from local fire station to talk to him about how dangerous it was.
was also just about to start decorating his room and am now not going to.

OP posts:

fairyjay · 11/09/2006 17:51

I know he's well out of line, and needs some sort of punishment.

But just to keep things in perspective, when I was about 8 I can remember setting fire to an elastic band to see what happened . It singed the new wallpaper, so I tried to rub the burn away. Fortunately my mum didn't notice for years! Dh set fire to the toilet when he was young.

In years to come you'll look back and laugh at this alexsmum!

frumpygrumpy · 11/09/2006 17:57

I can only say that I'm sure it was exploration. I remember my mum going mad because I cut a hole in the knee of my red trousers. She still talks of it. I remember clearly thinking about the material and wondering how it would sound if scissors cut through them. It made a hugely saisfying sound when it cut as they were thick trousers. It was total exploration and I didn't think for a minutes it was wrong. I was nearly 6.

I remember thinking that I didn't know why she was so upset, all I could think of was that the sound had been amazing and I wanted her to be pleased that I had discovered something.

It is awful though and he must be told it was wrong and dangerous (and why) and never to be repeated. Does he have a favourite toy that could be out of action for 24 hours? For my dd1 its her Tamagotchi.

Sympathy for the couch x.

frumpygrumpy · 11/09/2006 18:00

I also remember ripping tiny bits off the wallpaper next to my bed. It also made a good noise. Purely experimenting. Luckily it belong to the people before us and was large purple circles and my mum didn't like it.

I must have been a horrid, horrid child and I probably deserved to get PND twice!!! Karma!!!

HappyMumof2 · 11/09/2006 18:00

Message withdrawn

Sunnysideup · 11/09/2006 18:52

I agree that the safety aspects of this need going over with him big time; But I do think like others that this is experimentation more than deliberate harm and he is not likely to become an arsonist in a few years!

I do feel that two weeks without tv or park is a hell of a lot tbh, I personally feel you can make your point by doing less than that, and more focussed on what he did than focussed on 'punishing' him, for example as you've said maybe get him to talk to a fireman about it, get yourselves a home safety thing booked. And maybe a token removal of his pocket money to pay towards the damage would be appropriate too, more so than removing park and tv in my view.

Original poster

alexsmum · 11/09/2006 21:01

ok . am a bit calmer now.

two weeks still sticks because he has been awful this pm.
there is someone coming from the local fire station to talk to him and to do a safety check and install some fire alarms.
i do think it was experimentation-" what will happen if i do this?" but i also know how much the sofa cost and how hard my dh has to work to pay for things.We are not well off and can't afford to replace things willy nilly.
He has to learn to respect our home and possessions.

2 threads because the first one didn't get much response at first and i was panicking.

OP posts:

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 11/09/2006 21:10

Maybe he could use some alone time with his dad, not a lecture, just some dedicated time together.

My brother (about 11 at the time) set fire to a boy's trousers using a magnifying class. He knew perfectly well what he was doing as he was usually to be found doing the same thing to bugs in the garden. He's perfectly respectable now and we all laugh but my mum must have been in a right state at the time. I remember she had to pay for a new pair of trousers for the kid! Boys! Girls may go more for mental cruelty but at least it's not as messy.

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