Ok, DS lied (a potentially bad one) and I am still upset ... have I dealt with it properly?

[ghosty]

OK ... so this may be long ... sorry.
For the last couple of terms DS (6) has been proud to walk out of school and up the hill to meet me rather than me meeting him in the playground. He is never alone, most children from Yr 2 up walk up the hill to go home or meet their mums at the corner. I am often standing at the corner where he can see me but sometimes, if it is raining, I drive and wait round the corner with DD in the car ... he knows this and knows that I don't want to get DD out in the rain ...
Anyway - I have an arrangement with 2 friends that if for any reason I can't be there on time I ring them and if they can they pick him up for me - it is a reciprocal thing ... it has only happened a handful of times.
So, I was waiting, he was taking a long time. I got a text from one of my friends saying that DS was with her and I could pick him up from her house
I found out when I picked him up, that he had got to her car (halfway up the hill) and told her that I had told him that I would be late that day and could he have a lift home ....
I was very upset and angry with him. I didn't lose it but told him how upset and scared I was when he didn't come and how disappointed I was that he lied. He knew he had lied ... he couldn't explain why, just that V was there and he didn't feel like walking further up the hill to find me.
Part of my upset is that I was nearly abducted when I was 7 and it has become a bit of an issue with me lately (as DS gets older)
I have told him that from now on, till the end of term (another 2 weeks) I will be coming down to the playground to pick him up ... and we will reassess it next term by which time I hope I can trust him again.

Have I done the right thing? I told my friend that unless I ring her I will ALWAYS be there to pick him up.

I can understand how upset/worried you must have been when he didn't show up. I think you have done the right thing re telling friend you will ring her if not there (she should have known this though shouldn't she??) and telling ds you will pick him up from the playground. Maybe a little overreaction to the lie though. Your ds is 6 and didn't want to walk up the hill further so he lied to get a lift. At that age they don't think of consequences and outcomes just the here and now. I don't think it makes him a liar -just too lazy to walk up the hill .

I did a similar thing to your ds - okay I was probably older - but it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

I suspect the same was true for you ds - it seemed like a better idea than continuing up the hill and he'd done it before. He isn't really old enough to run through possible consequences - ranging from all the scary ones to the possibility that you would be mad at him. (maybe that is one of the scary ones!)

How developed is his theory of the mind? Would he still have assumed that because he knew where he was - you would too?

I definitely see what you mean about not lying ... you are right, he thought it was a good idea at the time. He knew he had done wrong because when I picked him up he said, "Don't talk about about what I did!"

His 'theory of mind' as you put it, 3bob, is pretty developed I think ... I am pretty sure he is past the stage of assuming I know what he knows (is that what you meant?)

I think that spending this term being picked up (especially as he is too tired to do the hills ) seems reasonable.

Sounds reasonable to me, too - or perhaps say if he is good, you'll consider letting him do the hill after half term.

Only 2 weeks of term left here. well 9 days now - not that I'm counting or anything!

Agree with the others, it probably just seemed to him like a good idea at the time, and he doesn't see the possible pitfalls the way that you do.

I think your friend is more at fault than your son, and to be honest I would be really angry with her. She was completely wrong to take his word for it that you were going to be late, and she shouldn't have taken him without checking with you.

Thanks all ... ...

My friend was really impressed by how grown up DS was "My mummy said she would be late this afternoon so could I have a lift with you?"
She was just trying to help and sent me a text message on the way home (not illegal to use mobile phones on the road in NZ ... ) ... so I think she did what she thought best really.
But we have talked about it and I said to her that she would always know from me if I was going to be late ....

Message withdrawn

I would have done the same as your friend But I would have looked for you first ie drive round the corner .I would not have said no you cant have a lift as your mum hasnt rung me . I know it sounds dramatic but you could have had an accident or your phone could have been out of order or something . So I think she did the right thing better to air on the side of caution . I do think you are doing the right thing by picking him up . Cheeky little monkey that he is . LOL