Worst parenting moment last night with 8 yo dd

[Fattymcbatty]

I have an 8 yo old dd who is, and has been for years, atrocious at going to bed. Recently it's got worse and last night she kept coming out of her room, tantruming on her bed, crying, moaning - apparently the cause being 'her tongue hurt' (there's a different cause every night). By 11pm she had woken up her 1 yo sister and her 9 yo brother. I'm ashamed to say that I shouted at her with my face right up to hers, I was so so angry. I said to DH I need to leave the room before I do something I'll regret. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare and barely remember what it's like to have an evening on the sofa with DH watching TV. Of course, this morning, she's sorry but I have said I'm sick of hearing it and want to see it in her actions. We've now said no Xbox, park, play dates, treats etc until she sorts it out once and for all. I was going to take her loom bands away too but I thought if she has literally nothing to do she'll just make my life hell during the day too. She's been really spoilt this weekend as it was her bday last week and I feel like she's thrown it all back in our face.

Our routine is that I take her up at 7.45, read one chapter of her book to her on our bed then take her into her own room where she can either read, do loom bands or sometimes even watch Netflix on the ipad until 8.30. It's when it's time for sleep that it all goes wrong.

Any advice before I crack up?

[post edited by MNHQ]

You can borrow audio books from the library for free.

brdgrl- my DS quite often shuts his eyes and falls asleep when I am reading and it is so lovely- but sometimes a pain the next night when we have to work out at which point he drifted off! :)

Shouldhavemarried- my OH likes to fall asleep watching T.V, as a young child they had a T.V free house and I think as a teenager he watched so much to make up for that and now can't sleep without it- I guess its all about balance! He is getting better now though, because he knows I like the room to be pitch black for sleeping so he watches one last programme downstairs on his own then comes up- still falls asleep on the sofa more than is good for him though.

No-one, adult or child, should watch screens before bed. The light spectrum they give off is not conducive to sleep.

Warm bath, warm drink, teeth brushed, reading with a bedside lamp or listening to an audio book would've a good routine. Maybe a bit later though?

Another here who thinks 7.45 is very early for an 8yo to be going to bed. My 3 and 5yo don't go til about 8.30!

How about totally rejigging the routine? Leave her up til 8.30 or so but then it is bed to sleep time. Maybe turn off the tv and have some alone time with her before, chatting, cup of hot chocolate or warm milk, help her make sure her things are ready for the morning?

I'd be worried Netflix might be overly stimulating for bedtime? Easy for it to drift on as well, keeping you awake whereas reading requires a more positive effort to keep going.

I think audio books are a good idea, or one of those tiny reading lamps. Screen will be too much stimulation, it's the concentration of following a story which helps you realise you're tired and it's bedtime in my experience.

Maybe you should sit down with her and decide on a routine together. Maybe a change would do her good, and a routine decided by her would make her feel in control. For example - she could decide to

• have bedtime milk bad a biscuit at 7:30
• read on her own for 15 minutes, in bed
• ask you to stay with her for ten minutes and sit down next to her for that time
• suggest audio book to her, sounds like a good idea
• get her to choose a new pillow case/bedcovers. DS8 still likes soft toys, she might choose one of those!
• agree on a schedule, stick it on the fridge and in her bedroom, get her a bedroom clock/alarm clock so that she can keep track of the time herself...

I would also say no screen time upstairs.

What time does she need to get up in the morning? And is she unduly tired in the morning, of by the afternoon?

I think you've had a lot of good advice, particularly about involving her. By age 8 she should be able to work with you to come to a solution. Personally with my 9 year old (and when she was 8) my main parenting technique is to avoid confrontation in any possible way!!

My 9 year old goes to sleep quite late - often 10 ish. She is allowed to stay up until 8pm (or sometimes later if we're all enjoying something on TV together - suitable obvs) and then to bed and read herself to sleep. She has a Kindle with a book light - was a 9th birthday present. But she used to use a clip on book light as when we moved she shared with her younger brother for quite a while. Would that work for your DD?

My younger DS (age 5) has a lot of trouble switching off but he does generally stay in his own room - preferably bed! He obviously can't read himself to sleep and at times he has been really bad he uses a MP3s of a story or music to relax (you could use headphones). In fact you can get docking stations for Ipods in a pillow or something, might be worth looking at. If he calls me I do pop in (only for 2 mins then say I will be back when I have folded the laundry, or eaten my dinner, or made a cuppa etc etc) and this seems to reassure him enough. Also if he is going through bad phases and gets up, I try to keep it low key and not react too much. I know you aren't meaning too but by upping the whole confrontation of the situation you are probably going round in circles. If you possibly can, just ignore her.

BTW I really sympathise with you. I have similar age gaps and I feel dead on my feet by 7pm when baby DD is in bed. Having to negotiate/discuss/do anything with my older children really sends me over the edge some evenings - esp as baby DD is then up in the night still... I feel time with DH or time to myself is really squeezed as obviously baby DD is up early too so we have no time at either end of the day! Plus the days are physically non-stop. I also know how stressful it is when children are waking each other up - I know my children sometimes do it on purpose as they can see how stressed I am - eg waking baby DD from a daytime nap by whispering particularly loudly or accidentally on purpose dropping something right next to the bedroom door!

There's a mermaid meditation soundtrack from dinosnores that you can get on iTunes, a friend recommended it to me for dd1 and I was amazed at how it has worked, she's always asleep before it finishes, sometimes she doesn't want it on though. I can remember being allowed to listen to my Walkman until I fell asleep at that age.