Grumpy toddler

[Kafri]

I have the most grumpy child known to man!
As a baby he screamed constantly due to reflux and and this unhappiness seems to be continuing into infancy

It's hard to explain (not much use on here I know)but he has many a day where literally nothing pleases him. On a good day when he might be a little happier he's so quick to turn again that I'm king of always expecting it - which I know probably doesn't help matters.

He HATES being home and will cry/whine/scream until it's time to go out somewhere. It's exhausting trying to keep him the right side of happy and even more exhausting getting him out and about ALL the time.

He seems to have an awful week or so which is then followed by a few slightly better weeks but like I said, these 'better' weeks are far from perfect

He's very clingy which I don't mind so much but it does mean that I can get absolutely nothing done at home. Cooking is just one example - if he does happen to be occupying himself and I try to get some tea on for him, he quickly realises I've moved and comes to find me and then instantly it's the end of he world cos he wants his tea yesterday!!
When we arrive back home after going out he creates about coming back in be house.

When he wakes from sleep he's in a foul mood - quite often he wakes from his nap in a far worse mood than he went down in. He's never been one to wake 'refreshed' as it were.
He'll only sleep in his cot which means I head out somewhere in the morning, come back for lunch and nap then head out somewhere else for the afternoon. Full days out are a definite no no cos he descends into hell the second his switch flips to tired.
Obviously there's the usual toddler 'I want' tantrums but this just seems more pronounced and constant. Friends have commented about not knowing how I cope with him - not nastily, they all love him but he's certainly not as easy going as their little ones around the same age.

Has anyone and words of wisdom, advice or suggestions?

How old is he?

Does he have enough/age appropriate toys at home?

Will he watch TV?

It might just be finding his 'thing', what holds his interest.

Wow, you could be describing my dd when she was younger (except that she'd only ever sleep in the sling or in the car). I'm guessing your ds is pre-verbal, 15-18 months? Talking fluently was the turning point for dd, she's 3.3 now snd although she's still quite highly strung and sensitive, it's so much better now she can talk and understand the world. She's now a pretty normal, sweet, bright, affectionate 3 year old, will play by herself for a little while, is happy to be at home for a bit (yesterday she chose to stay at home with dp rather than come to the supermarket with me - once she would have screamed blue murder if I'd left her, but would also have screamed blue murder at having her shoes put on, being strapped into the car seat, being put in a trolley etc etc).
I have a 6mo ds now who is a much more laid back character (he smiles at friendly strangers, chats to himself on waking up rather than screaming, will play with his toys on the floor) and it's only now I'm realising how hard it was with dd. I honestly thought I was just a rubbish mum and that I couldn't cope.
If you haven't read anything by dr sears on 'high need babies' I recommend it. I'm afraid I haven't got any more useful advice, just to keep trying to be positive, give him lots of cuddles and try and do things you both enjoy as much as possible. Hopefully he'll improve with talking like dd.

My constantly crying toddler turned out to have ongoing reflux. We had stopped her medication at 6 months old thinking she would have grown out the reflux as most babies do. Her doctor decided when she was 2 years old just to test her on Infant Gaviscon and literally a day after starting, she was like a different child. She is now on Ranitidine and is mostly happy.

Sorry should have put that on the OP - he's 18m

Yes he has absolutely loads of toys - outdoor, indoor, musical, puzzles, books.

He was on his prescription formula and omeprazole until coming off formula. I don't think it's the reflux if I'm honest.

He has always hated being confined in anything - car seat, pram, high chair, trolley etc and will just scream to be released.

Now he's walking he absolutely refuses to hold hands and the screaming starts when I give him the choice of walking holding hands or being carried - across a car park for example.

Hopefully developing language skills will help him calm down a bit so fingers crossed.

Do you think he possibly has too many toys and they overwhelm him? I find with my 18 month old if he has too many toys around him, especially bright toys which make sounds, he gets more and more hyper and stops playing by himself.

Ohhhh I remember the holding hands thing! I think it took a few months of screaming in car parks etc before we cracked it. Keep at it though - the other day my dd turned to me and said 'quick mummy, you need to hold my hand, we're in a car park! ' would never have imagined that once!
When dd was that age we used a sling a lot rather than a pushchair - when she was feeling out of sorts being carried up close really seemed to help. She would nap in it too so it made days out possible.

I've tried a sling, it takes us back to the confinement issue - just screams to get free

As for toys, they are in different boxes and he chooses a box at a time so he doesn't have everything at once.

Seems we're in a 'good phase' at the min. Up to fri I was convinced I was in hell for a week. Let's see how long before we go downhill again

Ive got that book DIY. Think its called the fussy baby book by Dr Sears. It described a lot of what my LO was like as a baby. OP, my LO sounds a lot like your LO. Shes getting better now at 2 yrs old but some days are really hard with her. She has a few good weeks here and there then it goes back to the whinging and tantrums and downright oppositional defiance. Very draining! Her language is really coming on now and that's helped but its not the answer to everything. She still gets herself tied up in knots with emotion when she cant explain or is feeling frustrated. I find sympathising with her helps quite a lot. So like last night at bath time she threw an absolute fit because I turned c beebies off and said bath time. She went nuts even though i'd given her plenty of warning. She threw herself down on the floor screaming and kicking at me then got up and started lashing out and hitting me. I just hugged her really tight and said softly "i know how much you wanted to watch driver dan and mummys really sorry that you're so sad. I know darling, I know how much you wanted that and I wish I could let you watch more beebies but its time to get you all sparkly clean for bed". This calmed her right down and she sobbed on my shoulder until she forgot about it and moved on.

You could try seeing things from where hes coming from and empathising. Seems to be the way to go with my LO. Worth a shot!

Kafri my toddler DS is pretty much the same.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice. I'm hoping others will have some though!

I think I've just learned to accept that this is his personality. He too had reflux and has ongoing CMPI.

It's exhausting. And he is just so lovely and amazing when in his good moods. But I always say its like Russian roulette. You never know which mood you are going to get. There are only two moods for him . Happy or angry. No inbetween!

DS will play independently and will spend some time watching TV or 'reading' his books. But equally he can be the opposite where all he wants to do is destruct, or climb all over you while screaming and howling all banshee like.

His speech, but particularly his understanding isn't great. I think he has a small delay. He doesn't understand a lot of things most other toddlers seem to.

I'm hoping that when this resolves he will become easier to handle. It's like living with a small, angry shark.

I can see others judging me. I know it isn't me though. He's been parented the same as my older DS who is nothing like his brother. Older DS is 12 and has never once had a screaming tantrum. I could take him anywhere without a care in the world. He slept without fuss any time he was ready to. Toddler DS was a massive fucking learning curve!!

Despite it all, his cheerful side is just so beautiful that he makes it all worthwhile. Just.

Good luck!

I probably went right off track with that post! The not holding hands thing in car parks/ roads is something I have a big problem with. I offer a choice "do you want to hold my hand or go in the pushchair?" Or "which hand do you want to hold? This one or that one?" and offer both of my hands. Or do you want to hold my hand or be carried? Usually she picks a choice. That all sounds easy, its not always that easy, its hit and miss. Shes very strong willed and it can turn into a battle at times!

My sympathies but it does get better; dd now 12 was the whingiest, most grumbly baby and child ever! She would wake up crying every day and each days was full of complaints. Weather was too hot/cold/windy/sunny/dry/wet, food was too hot/cold/lumpy/sloppy, clothes too thick/thin etc etc. it was exhausting and draining and some days I was shouting in my head "will you shut up, you awkward little bugger"

We watched some old videos of her as a toddler and she looked at me with horrror and said 'was I like that???'.

Yup!

Littlepink my toddler understands 'hold mummy's hand'. But not the other instructions like pushchair or hold hands. Or which hand etc.

I worry so much as to why his understanding is so rubbish.

If I say it's time for bed. Or time to do your teeth, he wouldn't understand me.

He understands actions rather than reasons or activities to do.

Ie. holding hands, turn around, don't touch, clap hands, stamp feet, give cuddles. That's most of the things he understands to be honest. It's not a lot for 19 months is it?

It's nice to know I'm not alone though I certainly feel for you all knowing just how exhausting it is and how never ending it all seems.

He was born on hyper alert. I had a lot of comments about how alert he was ALL the time - never the peaceful sleeping little newborn you see others with.
I find it difficult when I get comments off others. For example, a common one is a family friend moaning that I pander to DS by getting him home for his nap and that I should just make him fit in around what I'm doing etc. the trouble is he won't sleep anywhere but his cot and the second we hit tired it's absolute meltdown which in my mind is no fun for him, no fun for me and no fun for others who I might be with either so I just choose to get him home, let him have his nap and hopefully have a better aft for doing so.
It doesn't always work, this last cycle of hell has involved him waking up in a morning and after nap in the foulest mood you can imagine! That's a point, why the hell would he wake up so grouchy it's like he hasn't slept for a week? He's never been one for waking up babbling in his cot but really, this last week or so has taken the biscuit!!

I guess I can look forward to him being able to understand choices better - ie, hold hands or carry etc

I guess my big problem if I'm honest is that I had to work so hard to have DS (he's ivf) and spent a long time wondering if he'd ever happen and now I have him and I'll be honest, there's so many days I just can't enjoy him - I'd challenge anyone to enjoy him when he's at him worst.
My HV commented one day that she didn't know how I still had a smile on my face. I just responded with 'what choice do it have? This is the son I got, being miserable about it won't change him and will make the days worse'.

My ds went through a stage where he woke up inconsolable from his nap, my mum says I was the same as a toddler, even now if I nap in the daytime I wake in a terrible mood. At the moment he is waking from his nap in a lovely mood, I haven't done anything different I think it was just one of those things that passes ( and probably will come back).

@Kafri can I ask if it got any easier? My daughter is grumpy at the moment and it seems to be never ending.

Hi @AperolWhore,
I can, thankfully, happily inform you that, yes, it got better!! So much better!! DS turned into the easiest, most delightful child. The friends that commented how challenging he was as a baby have also commented on how easy he’s been since he did grow out of it.
He’s 9 on Monday and has honestly been a dream of a child.

He has impeccable manners, loves school, makes friends easily wherever he goes. He’s brilliant with friends younger siblings, shares things well with others, very placid and easy going. Never strops about things, bedtime is a dream, he just takes himself off at whatever time I say is bedtime, no questions asked. No issues getting up in a morning - no shouting up repeatedly about getting up, getting dressed etc.

I sound like I’m floating, I’m really not but he is a delight of a child now. I feel very lucky!!

Hiwever, people always say you never get two the same - I have a carbon copy of him now in his 6m old brother!!! I’m hoping he turns out as easy an infant in time!!!!!

Good luck - the tide will turn for you!!x

Ah that is brilliant news, I’m so pleased for you! We’ve had a happy, funny delightful daughter but this past two weeks she’s been a different baby and it’s exhausting but hopefully it’s just a phase and we’ll get our darling girl back soon.

You float in your happiness darling, it sounds well deserved! Xx

OP ...do you have my DD by any chance? She is exactly the same. What made things easier for me was using tools from Hand in Hand parenting by Patty Whipfler (YouTube her). DD is still the same but I now understand the reasons behind her behaviour a bit more and don't get frustrated as easily. My DD is 15 months and like you, she was a bit of a miracle baby. I've felt terrible guilt knowing just how difficult it was to conceive her but also hating motherhood at times. Even now, I feel like I'm still waiting to see how amazing motherhood is in the way that other mum's describe it, because up until now it's been a real slog. DH and I wanted to try for baby #2 around this time but after the last 15 months, I'm not so sure anymore!

Solidarity! I hope things get easier for both of us. I found toy rotations somewhat helpful, and just getting out of the house even if it's just for a short stroll (but I COMPLETELY understand what a mission it can be to just get out of the door). Lots of affection, connection, playing together. I do notice that the days I prioritise spending time with DD and let the housework take a back seat, she is a little calmer. But I can't live in a dump everyday lol.

All the best x

Glad to hear things changed as i too can see so much of what has been described in my little 17 month old girl! We’re currently undergoing a challenging time trying to drop to 1 nap and sleep has always been an issue with her. Completely understand that revolving your day/life around naps thing because she will not nap on the go either! Which is hilarious because I had to walk miles and miles to get her to nap when she was tiny and she’d wake as soon as soon as we stopped. She was massively alert and a non sleeper from birth too!

Am finding her very tricky lately which I do think may be partly a communication thing as she’s not got much language yet, but also that she’s massively tired all the time. She always wakes crying in the morning (I’ve never gone into a happy baby so far 😢) and is very impatient and highly strung at the moment!

One nap isn’t enough for her, but 2 naps is too much - so we struggle to get out because I never know what to do with her on a daily basis with sleep and she won’t nap on the go. She also had very bad silent reflux but we didn’t get to the bottom of it and treat it because we were fobbed off over and over during lockdown times which probably didn’t help. 😔

Today I tried cuddling her in my arms because she looked so knackered and would have just loved for her to just cuddle into me and have little sleep but she just pushes me away and basically runs away from me.

I cannot even remember the last time she fell asleep on me 😔 she was tiny. Anyway I’ve gone off on a complete tangent!!! Just reading your post sounds so similar to her! And funny that your second one was the same at 6 months you said - I have an 11 week old who also suffers badly with silent reflux again would you believe it 😩 and doesn’t sleep well as a result and am so worried about going through the same sleep and nap hell. We’re kept awake by her not settling because of her discomfort, then up with my oldest at 5am - I’ll usually leave her really really grumpy and moaning for a while to see whether she’ll go back off (she won’t!). It’s a battle. Really hope we’ll come out of the other side sooner rather than later and that my newest addition isn’t going to be the same with sleep as it’s ruled our lives for so long already - obviously we’re tired but the naps make everything a nightmare and that’s what I find worst.

Please tell me your second wasn’t the same with naps and I have hope there with my second? We need to be able to get out and about once my oldest finally settles down to one nap (although right now it feels like that will never happen) but we won’t be able to if we have another nightmare sleeper.

Feels so unfair when I see other little ones just fast asleep out and about - my little one never did that 😔 and it wasn’t just the mood we would suffer with but overtired waking and not settling herself to sleep in the evening ending up with overtired screaming if she’d not slept properly during the day and this went on until she was nearly 1 😞

That should have said we didn’t treat the reflux until nearly 6 months old when we we’re finally offered omeprazole and that changed her completely - so sad that nobody listened before that point ☹️