Parents of teen, do you punish all back chat or do you let some go?

[Ledkr]

Dd is 12 and on the whole a nice child but she is lazy and wears trying to get her to pick up after herself eg bring her washing down, cup on dishwasher etc. she gets asked a few times either says later or is cheeky then I react such as turn off the Internet but I'm feeling like all I do at the moment is punish her, she had her I pad taken away for a week last time and today one canceled a sleepover after she said "I don't care that you switched the modem off I pad was out of battery"
Am I on the right track with this or two harsh?

Sounds quite harsh to me. But I dont believe in.punishment as such.

have you tried how to talk so kids will listen... it might br slightly young but principals will be similar. I think theres a teen version too but yhat might be my imagination.

you might just end up driving a wedge between you.

I ignore some, as it makes it worse to get all het up about it and a row ensues.

Sometimes I just cut the conversation off with a 'I am not going to talk to you any more while you are like this', and retreat.

So longer as you let her know that you notice and appreciate the good things she does (even if you have to make quite an effort to find anything good, there will be something). And still give her plenty of hugs, cuddles and smiles.

I have an 'up and down' 12yo dd too .

At the moment I am playing the selectively deaf card a bit. I also try really hard to keep the moral high ground by keeping my voice calm and pleasant.

Finally, when all is calm, I state clearly what my expectations are and what the consequences are if she doesn't do them. Eg, dirty clothes in a pile in her room will stay there, dirty clothes in wash basket will get done. This after her tantrum because there were no clean shirts on Monday morning...

It's a bit like toddlers I think usual. Withdraw the audience/attention and they stop the nonsense.

Plus by engaging it makes me sound like a 12 year old too half the time-it gets silly.

Exactly like toddlers Sparkling. In fact I find myself using very similar parenting tactics with the just 5yo and the almost 13yo!

I don't punish for back chat. Sometimes I will tell DD if I think she has been rude, disrespectful whatever.

You seem to have two issues, back chat and her not listening to you. You are punishing but it doesn't seem to be working.

I have found since I backed off from DD she has done a lot more. I used to be on her case about her room every weekend. I would always pull her up on things I felt needed doing.
Then I got annoyed one day when she came into the kitchen and remarked I needed to clean it. I realised it was exactly what I do to her.
So I generally leave her to it, and it is tidier than ever. If I notice her bin is over flowing rather than saying "look at that bin, it needed emptying days ago! Come on sort it out" I now say "I'll get you a bag to empty your bin"

I agree with picking your battles, ignoring as much back chat as you can and praising good, considerate behaviour.

I find with my teen boys giving them a clear instruction with a deadline for jobs works well, for example I might say to one of them at lunchtime "I want you to empty the dishwasher please, it needs to be done by 2 o'clock". If it's not done by then (it usually is) I have more grounds to get heavy with them without them accusing me of nagging.

I also walk away if they start back chatting, though I know it's hard. DH once listened to a major ding dong going on between me & DS1 & remarked that he wasn't sure which of us was the teenager . I have since taught myself to disengage & walk away before things get heated.

We have a family rota for kitchen chores - dinner/clearing up/dishwasher
Stops the nagging/arguing .
They just do it when its their turn knowing that they don't have to do it the next day.

Their rooms, their mess< shrug> Food is banned from upstairs.
When a GF/BF is due over they go a bit wild eyed and run into the kitchen asking where the bin bags and polish are !

Thanks for replys, I think I did think I couldn't go on the way we are.
She's very lazy and I don't think it's asking too much to pick up after herself.
Tell me, what should I do if I've asked her several times over a few days but it needs doing eg. School uniform for wash by Monday?

Rota for kitchen cleaning/cooking/dishwasher.

Laundry is done on a Friday night - bring it down or it simply doesn't get done!

Mine had to wear dirty stuff once and thereafter they brought it down !

YY, she will have to wear dirty uniform. has she got a laundry basket/bag to put it in?

Laundry basket in room FULL OF CRAP she probably wouldn't care too much about uniform tbh bit I do.
We are at a local festival thing. I reinstated the sleepover on condition of room being done which she did!!
I have wine now so happier!

I don't have teenagers yet but teach children with behavioural difficulties.

I usually find it most effective to treat inappropriate comments as a 'tumbleweed moment' and react as if nobody hear.

Wine always helps

Agree with sending her to school in dirty uniform if she doesn't cooperate.

cheers everyone, thanks for you thoughts. I might pop back as scenarios arise for suggestions.

At that age I had a laundry basket in my room. I'm quite sure if I'd not put stuff in it, it wouldn't get washed. My brother was a right lazy thing, but he never ran out for the same reasons. I have friends who moan that their dh's never do the washing, but they never let them run out of pants, so why would they? Part of becoming an adult is figuring out the consequences & realising lots of stuff is up to you & you alone.

If she takes cups in her room, leave it there to go mouldy until you run out of cups!

Maybe have one rule that it just needs to be tidy enough to enable you to shut the door so you don't have to look at it!