When saying no just escalates behaviour, what next?

[sebsmummy1]

My 19 month old is on the whole pretty good, but lately we have got into a groove where saying no has escalated the initial behaviour and I'm interested what I should be doing instead.

Example : he hits the Perspex at the top of the stairs (this is securely in place on the landing to prevent him from falling down the stairwell) really quite hard with his fists yesterday, I say no. I get 'the look' and he then hits it harder. I get down on his level and say name no, we don't do that! He then charges at the Perspex, I stop him, he ends up on his bottom then throws himself on the floor and screams.

This performance is over in about 20 seconds, he comes up, gives me a cuddle and we move on. But the same process (different start point) happened about three times yesterday and I wonder how else I can tackle it?

My partner thinks I should be removing him from the thing/person after the second no if he doesn't do as he is asked. I think he needs enough time to try and comply with the request.

Advice please.

I would just say 'no thank you, DS', whilst moving him away/distracting him the first time. If he goes back a second time I would do a more firm 'no'. A third time I would do the 'coming down to his level' thing. I think you're making more of an issue of it than necessary really. A brisk no, move away is sufficient at that age.

I'd be removing him (or the thing) at the second request.
They have to learn there are some things you can't argue with.
That said, I'd try to limit the direct "no" to those things - where you are definitely not going to budge. For other things I'd go more with the distract, distract, distract at this age.
Another thing that helps is stating the fact - the "no" if you like - and then offering a choice about something for them to have some 'say' in their life.
for example, when ds went through the 'no' phase, we'd do things like say "It's bed time now, do you want to walk upstairs or do you want a carry?" so the fact it was bedtime didn't get all confrontational with him automatically saying 'no' - that was happening anyway - but he did have some autonomy / chance to make decisions about things (in this case if he walked or was carried).

Tell him what you do want rather than what you don't? So instead of saying "no" (which is quite ambiguous anyway)

So for example "Careful" (even if you know he wasn't being un-careful!) and perhaps a redirect to something he can hit. He's probably hitting it because it feels nice, has a nice "bounce" and it makes a nice noise or it's fun. If you can pick him up and take him to a drum or something he can hit safely then he sees that he gets the same rewarding, pleasing feeling/sound from that (possibly better!). And just try and keep him out of that area if possible and/or move through it as quickly as possible to avoid the opportunity if you are worried he's going to break it.

I think you do need to stick to your boundary, it's unreasonable to expect a 19 month old to respond only to being asked something, asking is fine but you do need to back it up with an action which could be removing them from the area (and that's it), it could be carrying him past rather than letting him walk past, it could be redirecting him to something else. I don't think you need to be doing any kind of punishment but physically enforcing the boundary ie not letting him do it is important. That doesn't always mean moving him but it might do if the situation warrants it.

(If it's not making the perspex unsafe then I'd probably let it go TBH, he'll probably get bored of it eventually)

Lastly I think it's okay for you and your DP to have different ways of dealing with things unless you think his way is cruel or causing more problems.

Something else you can do, although maybe when he's a bit older, is instead of saying 'no, you can't do that' phrase it as what they can do iyswim. So instead of 'don't bang the perspex' go for 'you can go and bang your drum if you like' or instead of 'don't play football in the kitchen' go with 'you can play football in the garden and later we can take the football to the park'.

That was a cross post about the drum

That makes much more sense, thank you girls. I am using the no, not my son as he can't talk yet.

So really I am making it a battle of wills from the offset aren't i? I'm challenging him immediately when I should just be doing the 'no thank you', off we go type thing.

I think it's because he tends to do things like this when we are sitting together interacting so I am still. Another example is he will be sitting on my lap and we'll be watching TV and playing a silly game bouncing or something. He will stop and start prodding me in the eye, then the finger will go up my nose, then he'll start pushing it in my mouth and at this point I've had enough. So I say 'Bubby don't do that please' and he will hit me in the face, so I say 'hey, no' and he will hit me in the face again until I say no louder and put him on the floor then he either hits me again or cries.

How should I be handling that do you think?

You could try saying "Gently" instead although he needs to know what that means - I used to say "Ouch, too rough!" and then take his hand and make him do gentle stroking movements and say "Gentle, kind hands" along with the "gentle" movements. There's a danger if you shout "Gentle!!" every time he is hitting he will start to think that "gentle" means "Yay hitting!"

Otherwise you could remove his hands and redirect it as part of the game. Give him a more interesting reaction when he does something more acceptable, like a high five, or take your face out of reach and change the game. Putting him on the floor could work too but I think you should do it immediately not after 3 warnings that he currently thinks is a game.

I would say 'Owww' and then 'no thank you' and put him down/on the floor the first time he pokes you in the eye. My DC was also obsessed with putting his fingers in my eye/nose/mouth at that age so I can sympathise! I hoped it meant he was showing an early interest in being a doctor