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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

The playground bitchiness has started and she's only 6 :(

27 replies

bensam · 01/07/2014 22:15

Witnessed two school friends of DD try and wind her up this morning.

I help both parents of these two by taking one to gymnastics and walking part way home with the other. I know they're quite pally with each other more than my DD which is fine. DD has other friends and doesn't seem bothered but she was bit disappointed at not being invited to a birthday outing of one of them this weekend. She asked her yesterday quite innocently if she was going to be invited and the answer was 'no'. I spoke to DD about it later and said not to bother etc. etc. This morning, the two girls spotted my DD as soon as she walked into the playground, they said something to each other, ran over and bday girl started saying to DD how much she is looking forward to spending her bday at the zoo with said friend. Then they seem to wait for a reaction from DD

I cried all the way to work. I know I'm a wuss and it's just kids stuff but why do they have to be so mean? :( Fortunately, DD didn't seem bothered. I was bullied at school and always felt like an outsider so it hurts to see DD being treated this way. I know this sounds like I'm being pfb but she's a very caring child who always puts other kids needs first as her teachers tell me.

Not sure what I'm asking for really - maybe some ideas as to how I can help her if it becomes an issue. Thanks!

OP posts:

MisForMumNotMaid · 01/07/2014 22:18

Ouch. I think i'd have cried too.

I think your DD has outwardly acted in a fantastically mature way, handling the situation brilliantly. You should tell her you're proud of how she handled herself and that its okay to be a bit sad not to be invited but also that sometimes it will be her invited out to things and others can't go.

Original poster

bensam · 01/07/2014 22:29

Thanks MisForMumNotMaid. I haven't said anything to her as she seemed happy after school and I didn't want to make it seem an issue if she wasn't aware of it iyswim? Maybe I should talk to her though...

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MisForMumNotMaid · 01/07/2014 22:35

I think I'd be tempted to say something. I do get what you're saying about happy out of school so you left it. I'd worry that she's aware and internalising the upset or completely oblivious and at some point will face complete devastation that the rest of the world doesn't behave as nicely and fairly as she does.

Or on the other hand some things we kind of have to learn first hand and you're ready to be there for the cuddles and support when its needed.

Tough this parenting lark. I'd still like to wrap all mine in cotton wool and keep them from the world (but they'd drive me insane).

Puringmary · 01/07/2014 22:36

Why not have a chat to teacher? Nothing heavy but these things can happen at this age and teachers often have chats about how we treat people and friendships etc in circle or carpet time.
Teacher can also keep an eye see if anything brewing or just a one off.

Neither you or your daughter should be worrying about this. I am sure school will understand and support.

rowna · 01/07/2014 22:43

At six if someone were taking my dc to school with their dc, and another to gym with my dc, I'd consider them to be family friends and include them in party invites.

Unless they were having one or two for a day out, I think you have been treated a bit poorly.

But the one of the best things we can teach our dc is reslience in the face of rubbish. Because they'll face plenty of it in their lifetime. You've done the right thing. But yes, it is hurtful.

Original poster

bensam · 01/07/2014 22:45

Thanks both for your advice. I didn't think about that Mis - she could be feeling upset inside. I wish I could protect her but I know only too well that she's going to face some crap eventually :( Maybe I'll have a gentle chat about it with her.
Thanks Puringmary - I think that's a good idea. Didn't want to seem like a fussy mother but it is a good school and they do have 'rules' about being kind to others so prob worth a mention.

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sixlive · 01/07/2014 22:49

I would stop doing the favours. My experience if the girls don't get on you just end up with a series of dramas.

Puringmary · 01/07/2014 22:53

Good luck. Hope it's a one off and a circle time chat sorts it.

Original poster

bensam · 01/07/2014 22:54

Rowa, I was a bit about it. It is only a day out with one or two and the mum was there when DD asked if she was invited - she said there were only 5 seats in the car. Fair enough but I could have taken her myself. Also, I know you don't invite and expect to be invited back but they all came to our house recently for DD's bday, had a great time and went home with a stuffed teddy which they'd made.
Starting to think I'm a bit of a mug with all the 'favours' I'm doing :-/

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Timeforabiscuit · 01/07/2014 22:54

Yup - bloody horrible but your daughter is a credit!

Definitely flag with the teachers, dd1 seemed like a moth to a flame with girls like this - lucky a class re-jig and a couple of moves away have meant she's moving in new circles now, but trying to explain what a friendship is to a six year old is not a skill I've got!

AllDirections · 01/07/2014 22:58

You need to pull these girls up when they do stuff like they did this morning. Something like 'Are you trying to wind DD up? Because if you are, then that wouldn't be very nice would it?'

Timeforabiscuit · 01/07/2014 22:59

I would start to cool things, if they aren't reciprocal then it suggests they arent putting much store by the friendships.

Original poster

bensam · 01/07/2014 23:01

Sixlive - yes I feel like stopping but how do I do that without falling out with the mums?!

Timeforabiscuit - she is a credit. Thank you. The more I think about it though, the more I do wonder whether she's bottling her upset inside..

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Original poster

bensam · 01/07/2014 23:04

AllDirections - I did say something actually - couldn't help it. I said 'well that's not very nice * is it'?!! in a stern tone I think she hadn't noticed I was stood there!

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AllDirections · 01/07/2014 23:06

Good for you bensam

HeeHiles · 01/07/2014 23:09

I would speak to the teacher about a chat at circle time and take your dd somewhere better than the zoo! Children can be tactless and maybe didn't realise thdy were being mean, just excited? But keep an eye on them and if it continues drop the gym and walk home business.

Your dd sounds lovely :-)

MillyMollyMama · 01/07/2014 23:12

I am not sure this is anything to do with the teacher and cannot see how they can intervene. What will you do when your DD is repeatedly not invited to parties and all her friends are? Happened to my DD. I didn't speak to a teacher but I certainly would put a stop to helping out the Mum. Also at this age, Mums are very influential in putting together party invitations.

I would not necessarily assume the children are bitchy. That is a fairly strong term to use about 6 year olds. Don't forget, they may not know any better. Rise above it. Stop doing the favours as it is not appreciated and, I am sorry to say it, get a thicker skin because you might need it. We were so fed up with the way our DD was not invited to play or to parties that loads of the other children went to, we made sure she had a special treat that day. The children did talk about their treats and parties in front of her knowing she was not invited. There was, actually, no solution. Although in year 6 she suddenly got loads of invitations. It was too late by then because she went to a boarding school in year 7 and found wonderful friends. I got loads of invitations to coffee mornings when the other Mums found out she was not going to the local grammar school along with their children. They wondered why not!

sanfairyanne · 01/07/2014 23:13

maybe stop the favours if the kids are being mean to your dd. no need and doesnt sound like parents appreciate you
just a mumsnet 'its not working for me'

HeeHiles · 01/07/2014 23:14

Re the mums, how friendly are you with them? Could you talk to them? If they are not good friends just be truthful and tell them their daughters are mean to dd and you don't want to take them anymore!

Permanentlyexhausted · 01/07/2014 23:16

First of all, if you catch them doing it again say "I don't think that is a particularly nice thing to say/do is it!"

Definitely cool it with the helping out. Just breezily say to the mums "I'm afraid we're doing something/going somewhere (you don't need to be more specific than that) so I won't be able to take/walk with your DD this week."

Permanentlyexhausted · 01/07/2014 23:18

Sorry - distracted with the football so I've cross-posted!

Original poster

bensam · 01/07/2014 23:21

Thanks everyone. Your kind words and encouragement has helped me tonight

MillyMollyMama - I'm afraid you're right - I do need to develop a thicker skin! It's not the lack of an invite that bothers me. It was the way they approached DD in the playground. They were definitely trying to wind her her up - I have no doubts about that. I realise you can't stop it from happening and there'll be more to come but it's still a bit upsetting.

OP posts:

rowna · 01/07/2014 23:28

I think it's a thing they do when they are about six because they can - not so much the inviting or univiting - but the goading/boasting.

They do grow out of it. I don't really see it much now mine's 8. They kind of all know now it's a shitty way to behave.

Don't be thinking it's something your dd is/isn't doing or that she's a victim of some sort. It's just what they do for a bit. Make nothing of it and your dd won't either.

iK8 · 01/07/2014 23:30

Six year old girls do tend to be horrid more often than at any other age ime. Until they get to about 13/14 when this sort of behaviour often starts again. Both times it's about trying to establish boundaries and social rules so the absolute best thing you can do is what you did and pull them up when they go too far.

They are often much improved by 7 but you have my sympathy while it's happening :(

I should probably save this post for when my dd is six...

iK8 · 01/07/2014 23:31

Xposted with rowna who said it better than me

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