no confidence and afraid of loud noises (and many other things)

[mozfranco]

Hi I wonder if anyone can help me?
I have a 23 month old (and 2 month old) who lacks confidence on a massive scale. She has always been shy but seems to be getting worse, even before the new baby arrived. She hates loud noises, usually from other children. A sudden scream can send her into food of tears. She can be very clingy at playgroup. She seems better with adults or one on one with other kids (which I try to encourage as much as possible) but it never seems to improve her confidence for long. We are trying to add loud, sudden noises into our play at home to see if that helps.
Anyone else had the same problem?
Advice would be really welcomed!

I think they can all go through phases like this a bit. I remember my ds1 going through an awkward phase and not wanting to go to the park when other children were there. But he outgrew it in summer holidays when his older cousins were with him and he just tagged along. Do you know any other friendly older children who may be able to try help build her confidence?

We are trying to add loud, sudden noises into our play at home to see if that helps

Why on earth would you do that?

Honestly - just give her comfort and show her how to deal with this stuff and she will be fine. There's nothing wrong with being "shy" - don't label her as such.

On a practical matter, is she getting enough sleep?

It's not that she lacks confidence, is just that she is a small toddler! She won't be like this forever and when she is 3 or 4 and really into running off on her own with her friends and tripping off to school everyday, you will look back and wonder why you worried.

My two were both like this at this age - terrified of hand dryers, chainsaws, noisy groups, separating from mummy.

Like many 2 yr olds your DD also has a new baby to adjust to.

Just give her time. As she develops over the next year you will see the separation anxiety and anxiety about her environment diminish as she gains experience and understanding about the world. Essentially from 2-3 yrs there is a shift so that anxiety about separation reduces and interest exploring the external world (new experiences, making friends) increases. With my youngest, the transition happened very quickly: at 2.5 he was clinging to my leg and I didn't reckon I'd have much chance of settling him in a preschool even by his 3rd birthday, but by 2.7, so only a couple of months, he was potty trained, talking 10 to the dozen and running off into preschool with his best friend without much of a backward glance at mummy.

In a year's time you will look back and know what I mean!

In the meantime, the best way to help her through this stage is reassurance. Her behaviour isn't problematic or a character failing, its completely reasonable, from the standpoint of a 23 month old - she doesn't know that there is no need to be scared of a loud noise, or that toddler groups are OK. She is at the very start of her journey of learning how to negotiate the world, what things she can control, what things she can't but that's OK, what things she can't control and are dangerous or scary.

Good luck xx

PS mine are still terrified of hand dryers at 5 and nearly 3!! But at least now I can just remind them that no-one is going to switch it on and it can't come on by itself!

She is a good sleeper usually but obviously with a new baby she is probably being disturbed occasionally. I do find her being more clingy and tearful when tired as you would expect, this all started before the baby came along though. Thinking about it, I was in hospital a lot when pregnant so the memory of that is probably still causing a bit of instability. I'll just carry on comforting and encouraging her, thank you

PS I know from experience that you can't "teach" a young toddler not to be scared by simply telling them its OK or exposure therapy. You can tell them a million times that the handryer won't hurt them or the loud noise is OK. It won't make a jot of difference as they are not functioning in the way an adult does (we use our cognitive ability to reason that a hand dryer is not dangerous therefore we don't need to worry - a 23 mth old can't do that, not yet).

What you can do is offer reassurance and act as a container for their anxiety and distress. By doing that you help them get to grips with those feelings and to process them. Eventually they will be able to emotionally self-regulate, as we do, without needing you to do that for them.

I guess that goes for the whole business of parenting toddlers, really!

I have a 3 year old that's only just beginning to come out of this phase.

She still doesn't like hand dryers or too many children making lots of noise, but she's settling in at playschool and coming out of herself slowly (very slowly!)

Hang in there, she's doing fine :)

Thank you Bumpsadaisie, very reassuring! Funny you should mention hand dryers. She walked under one the other day and it turned on and blew on her head. She dived on the floor crying. Quite funny really (poor lass, mean mummy for laughing!)