Help me with my 8 year old!

[Lagoonablue]

I hear me screaming at her every morning and it's hideous but I am losing the plot.

Every morning it is the same routine but we have to ask her to clean teeth, put socks on etc. fair enough but we end up asking her 4 or 5 times. She just ignores us or procrastinates, is all on her terms so you start off asking nicely then by the end I am just shouting as so frustrated. Plus we get a mouthful back of how mean and horrible we are. She has just left for school literally wailing which is not what I want obs. She is upset but the loud crying is all part of her negative behaviour. Another way to wind us up.

During the day it is a similar story, she just won't do as we ask and the situation just spirals.

I have tried bargaining, threats, speaking calmly and in an adult way but nothing works.

Any ideas? Don't want to continue screaming like a fishwife but she is unbearable when she does this.

Is she getting enough sleep? What feedback are her teachers giving? Is she ok socially at school? Academically?

Tell her what to do clearly and calmly. Tell her you will remind her once if she hasn't done it in 5 minutes. Tell her it is then up to her, but if she isn't ready for school she will be going in the state that she is in regardless (eg in her pj's). For other things have a similar system - if she hasn't done it then the next ting won't be happening. Don't enter into arguments/discussions just follow the 'threat' through.

I have a slightly younger DS (7) and found a good way to go was to hand over responsibility to him. (Warned him beforehand and we drew up the timetable together).
It helps that he hates to get black marks at school, but I said I was fed up with arguing so I wasn't going to do it any more, and as he was 7 he was old enough to organise himself a bit more; if he was late for school I would explain to the office that we were late because he'd chosen not to get ready on time.
My responsibilities: make breakfast, put his clothes out ready, walk up to school.
His responsibilities: eat breakfast (7am), dress(8am), brush teeth, walk with me (8.15).
We have never yet been late.

Thanks. Giving her more responsibility might help. She is fine at school behaviour wise. She gets enough sleep. In bed at 8 and up at 7.

I real feel for you op! My dd went through this at eight and at nearly 11 yrs, is now much improved but we still have issues over procrastination and bathing.

I agree about handing over the responsibility. Found the best way to handle it was to make up a task chart/table which was divided in to two sections: (1st) from after school until bed-time (2nd) waking up until school starts. So first section includes, among other things, doing hwk, signing of hwk book, packing bag for next day, laying out uniform for next day, checking timetable for next day and finding appropriate stuff ie gym bag, music case etc etc. Second section : getting up, brkfast, teeth, ready by a certain time etc etc. It has to be detailed but only focus on the really vital stuff. (Chart was discussed and agreed upon by dd before being finally drawn up.)

A chart is good because you can just point to it, no nagging required!!

And I like Rooble's idea of two lists so the dc can see us doing our bit of the 'contract' too!

Natural consequences are always best ie if gym bag not ready on time we are leaving anyway without it and if you get in to trouble at school that's tough.

I also think its important to continually emphasise the rewards of getting ready quickly ie if we leave on time today with no shouting, I can buy you a treat for break on the way to school or we will go to the park after school (and always stick to your promise). Continually emphasise the fun stuff that comes once the boring stuff is out of the way.

We still have lapses during times of pressure and it isn't perfect but it's better. I really sympathise with the shouting though. I do it (having asked nicely four or five times and been ignored) and I hate it too and wish there was a better way. (I've even included a 'was there shouting?' section in the chart!)

I'm thinking that rewards for good behaviour might reinforce the whole thing (whole chart done properly for a week) or meaningful (to her) consequences if not (rationing of screen time?).

We've just broken up for the holidays so obviously whole term time chart thing will have to be reviewed but I still want her getting dressed and washed at a reasonable hour and helping out in the house. Going to draw up a 'basic contract' with her at the start of the holidays - something we agree together - and will (hopefully) come up with a workable agreement.

Are there any other pressures going on in her life atm? I only ask because looking back, dd was going through a bit of a tough time academically and friend-ship wise at school when her behaviour was at its worst.

Good luck with it all!

Thanks. That is very helpful. The list idea is one I will definitely try.

She does struggle a bit academically so am guessing she feels pressure with that.

There is a book called 1,2,3 magic that we found brilliant for helping our DS with challenging behaviour (he was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD when he was six)

It is the only parenting book where we still use the techniques in it (and my goodness I have read a lot of parenting books!!)

If you can get hold of a copy I think you'll find it really helpful xx