Can anyone give me advice/help re my friends son - she is REALLY struggling with him :(

[PiperBeeley]

She is a lone parent, she has a dd who is 11, and a ds who is 8 (will be 9 in oct). Her ds is very VERY naughty! He can't be taken anywhere, he has tantrums, he is very demanding, if she don't buy him everything he see's, he gets verbally abusive, which quickly becomes VERY abusive, which most of the time escalates into physical abuse!! He is a big boy! He's tall for his age and has a few times knocked my friend down when he's gone for her :( she has asked his school for help, they have suggested he has 'dyspraxia' and he has a few extra lessons at school with reading writing etc. however she is getting no help or advice on how to cope with his dreadful behaviour! She is getting so low, and frustrated :( I really want to help her! There must be some group she can join? Surely her health visitor/gp could offer help/advice?? She's said she's asked before and no-one ever gets back to her! Does anyone know how she can get any help, I'm worried as he gets bigger he is going to do more and more damage - to people and property! I don't mention it, but I'm sure my friend has the same concern! :(

If she doesn't buy him everything sorry!

What is he like at school? Presumably not an angel? I would say your friend should contact the school to see if they can help and I would actually go and see the GP. There may be a family advice group she can go to on the recommendation of the GP. This child would appear to be very angry, so I would also ask if he can access any services which can help him control his temper.

She needs to contact the school and ask to see the family support worker. This person can visit her at home and help her with behaviour management strategies.

If his behaviour is a problem in school she can ask for home and school assessments from the behaviour support team.

If he is angelic in school she needs to investigate the possibility of him having Asperger's/High Functioning Autism. She may want to think about it even if he does kick off in school but being a perfect pupil then letting rip at home is classic for ASD.

She needs to get a handle on this now, before he gets any bigger. Introducing firm boundaries will help whether he has ASD or not but she's got to be prepared for it to get a lot worse before it gets better.

If she really cannot find help from anyone else and she feels that he is a danger to himself of her DD she can ask for Social Services to do a child in need assessment.

Thankyou for your replies! He is fine at school - as far as his behaviour goes. As I said, he will be 9 this October, but as yet can barely write his own name, and his handwriting is illegible! However, he remembers his manners, he has the odd argument with other children, but from anyone who doesn't know him, he comes across as a nice boy, who seems to be 'not quite right' but not the angry aggressive child he is at home! I know so little about disorders/syndromes etc, I can't put my finger on what it is about him that makes him 'not quite right' he walks clumsily, he talks very slightly too slowly, I have no intention of being offensive in ANY way but he always reminds me of a young 'Lenny' (of mice and men)!!
My friend is coming round for coffee soon, and she is at her wits end She hasn't had a decent nights sleep for 8 years, despite her repeated requests she has had ZERO help/advice from his school! He kicks and punches his sister and his mum all the time, my friend just stands and takes it, she tells him off, but has never done any more then shout at him, and even then she rarely does that! I think he would respond to MUCH firmer boundaries, but honestly - I think my friend is too exhausted and low to try anything. When he is lovely, he really is truly lovely, but it happens less and less lately. It's ultimatley not my business, but I am angry that the school is offering such little help If her ds ever seriously injured anyone the first person they would blame is my friend - but I have known them since her ds was 1 and she has tried so hard. I am tempted to go into school and talk to them too, I really don't want to overstep the mark in any way, it just seems like no one else is trying to help her!

I would suggest gp and social services assessment. You could help her make a listing concerns and behaviour. She would do well to mention concerns about keeping him and others safe as that will trigger duties to get involved. You could look up advocacy agencies for her who will support and assist in getting helps. I have a dd w severe asd it's hard getting practical help. Also camhs can help making behaviour plans and developing an understanding of what's going on - but I think camhs services are variable. If your up to it offer to go along and offer support and note taking service it's hard when tired and overwhelmed to deal w service providers esp about your child - gen I feel shut having to ask for help. School should put dyspraxia concern in writing that will help getting taken seriously. Ask professionals who are sympathetic to contact social services on her behalf to get request for help taken seriously and dealt e quickly