separation anxiety

[Tany]

I am having major problems with my six month old daughter - she won't go to anyone else (not even her dad), she won't be put down and she won't settle unless she is permanently attached to me like a piece of velcro ! This has been like this for about 8 weeks now and it is really starting to get to me. I also have a 2 1/2 year old and the attention that he is getting is obvioulsy suffering too. I know what caused the problem to occur (I had to rush my husband into hospital quickly and as a result my daughter woke to find herself in a different, and strange environment as my neighbour very kindly stepped in) So I know what caused this to happen but how do I stop it ? My health visitor says it's just a phase and she'll grow out of it but I'm sure that there must be something that I can do to assist. Has anyone experienced something similar ?

Hi Tany,

I haven't had a similar problem so I can only offer untested suggestions... what about sitting with her and DH very close to you (so all 3 in a very tightly knit circle) and playing for a while, see if she will get closer to him during play and very slowly back away. I would suggest this as a phased approach. You would not do this in 1 go but in a few attemps, leaving more and more room between you and her. She needs to feel very comfortable with DH.
Does your husband give her a bottle (expressed breast milk?) or other foods ? How does she feel about her brother ?

Tany, this is indeed 'just' a phase. You dd has recently realised that you are a separate person from her and can go away and leave her and so she desperately wants to keep you near. She hasn't yet learnt that you will return, and thinks that once you are gone, you are gone forever. Your husband's illness may have triggered it but many, or even most, babies go throught this stage. In lots of ways, it's a good sign, because it shows that she is emotionally attached to you. I think the best way to deal with it is to give her as much reassurance as possible, by keeping her close as much as possible. You could perhaps try carrying her in a sling, so you can also deal with your older child at the same time.

Tany, I sympathise as I has exactly the same problem with my youngest dd. I found it did get easier after about 3 months, but she has always been (and still is) very definate about who she likes or dislikes. You may find that there is a person or neighbour who she will tolerate for short times, and if that is the case try and take advantage of it (my dd had 1 of my close friends who she has always loved, and also the dh of another friend who she didn't even see that often).
In retrospect, I wish with mine I had been a bit more patient, but I also know that trying to do anything with a dd like that is nearly impossible!
Sorry I haven't been able to offer more helpful advice, other than to say she is now at school and sems to manage quite happily without me there - so they do grow out of it!
PS I also suspect that there was a certain amount of sibling rivalry between my 2, but from youngest to oldest!

Thanks all for your messages - apologies for not replying sooner but have had another emergency visit to hospital with dh ! Things with dd seem to have improved slightly in that she will settle quite happily with anyone now - doesn't seem overly fussy who with - as long as she can't see me. As soon as she clocks me though then the tears and tantrums start again. At least though I feel a bit better leaving her when I really have to, this makes me feel better in myself as, psychologically, I don't feel as tied. I agree with you SueDonim, it is nice in a way as she has deifinately bonded with me and every time it starts to get me down I just remind myself of that fact but it still is tough at times.
I shall probably look back on this in years down the line and remember it fondly, wishing that dd would come and sit for a cuddle !!

HEEELP! I think I am seriously cracking up here! My dd who usually loves her bedtimes, is suddenly refusing to go to bed. She starts screaming from the minute we try to put her down, she is only calmed if one of us stays there until she goes to sleep. This happens during her afternoon nap and her evening bedtime. Then she will wake once or twice in the night and the same thing will happen. Me and dh are absolutely exhausted! It started 3 days ago for no apparent reason at all.

I am listening to her now screaming away. The thing is, if we do sit with her until she sleeps, the fear is that she will come to expect that, and we cannot keep doing that in the middle of the night - we need sleep too! Yet letting her cry herself to sleep is proving emotionally exhausing for me. It did work last night after about half an hour, then she woke at 3am and cried for 10 minutes, and at 6am she cried intermittently until I got her up at 8am. Now for her afternoon nap I put her down at 1pm and it is now 1.40pm and she has been crying all that time, so it doesn't appear to be getting any easier.

Does anyone have any advice please? Has anyone been through anything similar? This is just so heartbreaking and it is so hard to know what to do for the best!

How old is dd? My ds went through something similar at about 1yr. 10days of waking up intermittently at night, usually between 2-5pm and became impossible to settle. He only seemed to want me, although that maybe because he only got me, dh slept through the whole thing. After about 10days of patiently sitting with him, calming him down followed by longer and longer periods of absence, he would eventually settle. But I agree, by then my patience was wearing thin, and I couldnt understand the change. Persuaded dh to get up in the end and go to ds instead of me, taking a firmer stanse of not picking him up, but just stroking his back or head, and whispering "night, night" and "sleepi-time" etc and leaving after a minute or so. After just 2nights he was no longer waking, and has been fine since. Daytime sleep was rarely disrupted, but he would wake early, after just 45minutes and not resettle, so I ended up, just getting him up. That settled once he was sleeping better at night, and by making sure I chased him enthusiastically around the house to tire him out more. It was winter at the time so no outdoors activities, a major blow!!
Having a few settling difficulties over the passed couple of days, but I'm sure thats just the BST hour change, and hopefully will pass.
Good luck with dd.

One other thought my FIL had (child psychiatrist by profession!!) was to make general hub-bub noise for a few minutes outside the door to reassure dd that you are around, and not gone forever. Didn't really work for us as ds figured that if I was around I should be with him, so it just seemed to make him cross and upset to be ignored! But may work for you.

Rhubarb - sorry that your going through this, we had it about 12 weeks ago, 3 nights of hysterical crying and eventually falling asleep at about 8pm. For us it was a simple error on my part i had taken away his top sheet, as I thought that it was all extra ironing!. I put it back on as I racked my brains as to everything that I had done maybe slightly differently and it was that!. We had another incident whereby I had moved his precious hats from the chest at the end of the bed and he obvioulsy reaches over and takes them into his cot, so yet another comforter that I had moved - talk about a baby of habit.
To go on to the separation anxiety, my little boy hit the peak about 3 weeks ago - he is 15 months and it totally shocked me - out of nowhere this screaming banshee, as if Aliens had landed in the sitting room. I was at my wits end as nap times became - NIGHTMARES etc, a so called professional told me to stop pandering to him and picking him up, well my instict was telling me he needs comforting, so it felt all wrong just to quickly reassure and then get on with your original task. So I explained this to a close friend who has three delightful children and she said to me - that he needs comforting constantly, just set three days aside and do not do any household stuff if you can help it when he is awake, just sit playing and cuddling and reading etc - you all know, and she said I promise you he will find you so boring in the end and he will tire of you first and leave you to do something on his own and for us it worked. It killed me to rush around doing everything during nap time at lunchtime, however, after nearly 3 days he had tired of me and we have had no huge tears and the like. So it worked for us, for the moment!

Rhubarb - I can sympathise, I could have written your posting exactly! I think our problems started with ds learning to sit at the end of the cot by the door. He sobs and screams heartwrenchingly. It started about a week a go.
Someone please tell me it is just a phase. I work full time so nights up are v. wearing.
Prior to this he was a perfect GF baby who slept from 7pm to 7am. Help!

Thanks for all your messages - things have improved slightly but it is very tiring. It is so difficult to know what to do. Leaving her crying just seems so heartless and I know a lot of people on Mumsnet do not like controlled crying, but then if we sit with her it could go on for weeks!

Last night I spied on her through the crack in the door, there was nothing happening in her bedroom at all (I was beginning to think it must be haunted!), she was simply pacing the cot, stopping every now and then to scream at the door and cry 'mummy, mummy gone, mummy' which was heartbreaking to hear. She would snuffle her teddy for a bit and then start again. Eventually I went in to tuck her in and out of impulse I moved a dressing gown that was hung on the door and has been for months (we had been through her room previously looking for anything that might be spooking her). After I had shut the door she continued crying for about 5 minutes and then just stopped! She did wake up in the night for about 10 minutes but then settled herself to sleep again. I don't know if it was just co-incidence or not.

Like yourself Art, mine was a perfect GF baby too, this phase just started very suddenly. I would look round his room and remove anything that might spook him, even if it looks innocent enough to you. I don't know if you can do the controlled crying thing, but sometimes it is the only thing to do, otherwise it becomes a habit and your ds will not be able to go to sleep without you being in the room with him. All I can say is that it does get easier, the first night of crying is the worst, but after that it does get better.

Call someone whilst he is crying to get some moral support, my sister talked me through it the first night, I was sobbing on the phone as I listened to her screaming, but I'm glad I kept my resolve. It didn't affect her mood the next day, she probably doesn't even remember it.

Anyway, I have to try and put her down for her afternoon nap yet so I'm not holding my breath that things will be ok. Thanks for the support though, and I hope things work out for you Art, let us know. I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks Rhubarb - its nice to know its not just us with this problem. Luckily tonight he was so tired he fell asleep before he got as far as the bedroom so I was able to pop him into the cot without a fuss.

Hope things are settling down for you. Art.

Hi Tany!!

My DD is 4.5 months old. I've got the problem. It's been like this for the last week. Just don't know what to do:-( She is with me at this moment (supposed to be asleep by now - what she usually did). I thought it was the time change but she won't go to sleep at 8 o'clock either.

Lilia - sorry to hear that you are experiencing the velcro child syndrome as I have now named it - one thing that made me feel better was finding out that it wasn't just me, or my child, and that it is quite normal and happens to more children than not. That's the response that I seem to have had when talking to people anyway. I think that we have just left this particular phase behind and although it has been like it for a couple of months and I now have a permanent back ache, we seem to be getting better in that department. I wouldn't say that I did anything to promote the change, I have tried lots of different ideas - getting further away gradually, sitting in same room with dh holding her, leaving the room completely, constantly talking/reassuring etc, etc, etc... but I wouldn't say that anything worked particularly. I think that she has just come out of it herself now that she is more aware of what is going on, pays more attention to her brother and is just generally more interested in her surroundings. One thing that does buy me five minutes (although that sounds ridiculous, five minutes is bliss!) is the Baby Mozart video, I don't know whether you've seen it or heard of it but it's designed for littleys and really gets my dd's attention - not for long granted - but for long enough for me to have a wee and put the kettle on ! A friend lent me this video but I believe that Safeways sell them and Amazon also. Good luck !!

Hi Art, just to let you know that everything has settled down now. She still cries when we put her to bed, but as soon as we go out the door, she stops. She no longer wakes up at night. I would try the controlled crying method, it isn't very pleasant but dd was much better after about 3 days of trying it. If you have eliminated everything else then it really is the only option left, unless you want to be nursing them to sleep for months on end! It sounds as if your ds has gotten into a habit of it now. It doesn't matter if he falls asleep by his door, you can always go in just before you go to bed and carry him back to his bed. Dd now falls asleep at the opposite end of the cot every night, on top of all her blankets, so I just wait until I am sure she will be fast asleep, then I go in and tuck her back in again.

I hope all goes well for you - I really can sympathise with what you are going through.

Hi Rhubarb,

So pleased everything has settled down for you now. We have pinpointed the problem to the days when dh and I are in the house together! (Normally dh does morning nap while Im at work and I put ds to bed while dh is at work) Obviously over Easter with us both on holiday, come bedtime, ds thought he was missing out on something if he had to go to bed.
Doesnt help being in small flat with bedroom off the living room - but managing to sort the problem out now we know the cause.

Thanks for your support lol Art.

Glad you found the what the trouble was Art, has he settled down now that you are both back at work? Now that my dh is at work dd has developed 'velco-child' syndrome (thanks Tany!). She has been used to having us both to herself this past week, so now he isn't here she has attached herself quite literally to me. She screams the moment I turn to do something else. I let her watch Tellytubbies today thinking it might give me a chance to get some housework done, but she screamed hysterically because she wanted to sit on my knee and watch it! Looks like I am going to have to do the controlled crying again!

Oh to be able to reason with them!!

Rhubarb - sorry to hear your having a tough time again.
When we have a problem with ds I try and think of it in terms of a lifetime. It helps to get it in perspective when you sooo tired, with a screaming baby at 3am. Compared to the length of a lifetime this is really only a v. short phase and it will pass.

Let me know how you get on, Art

Sometimes I wish she could leave home already!