3 y-o hitting and mean

[DaddyCochon]

First post here but I'm in need of help and yes I'm a dad.

My 3-year old only girl has always been intelligent and feisty little human but she is prone to pushing and hitting. This is especially true toward other children in the park or at her playgroup, but sometimes adults are her target too.

Often she is well behaved and polite but I need to helicopter over her to avoid the inevitable (in the park, at parties etc.) and sometimes it is vicious scratching and pinching.

This has been present since early toddler years when, often, small babies were the target. Thankfully that is in the past but she is about to be excluded from her playgroup for her current behaviour. Children and their parents are wary of her because she is capable of really hurting them.

We are a family that has a lot of fun and she is in no way exposed to violence of any kind. We are at a loss to explain this or where it comes from. Does anyone have any experience of this? On the whole she is an awesomely bright, empathetic and fun little girl.

I'm looking forward to hearing your experiences. I'm lost here.

S

What are the consequences for her when she attacks others?

She is old enough to know hitting is wrong - and like CharlotteCollins I wonder what consequences do you use when this happens?

It never goes unpunished. If it's a minor attempt at a swipe she gets told its wrong and that she must say sorry, which she always does. If she does it to another child and hurts him or makes him cry then she gets a cross on her 'reward chart' and loses treats like watching her cartoons or an ice cream at the w/e. If she goes without pushing or hitting all week then she gets to go for ice cream or a toy shop.

She does know it's wrong and she really gets told off.

S

My son is starting with similar behaviour towards me. I'm going to start to remove regular every day things he likes. For example ds can't play with his train set today because he had a strop, threw it and then hit and scratched me yesterday as we asked him to tidy it up. Sod's law is we have no time to play with it today tho! I think he'll respond better, by which I mean 'get it', by losing out of things that make him happy on a daily basis rather than those less regular things like ice creams.

If either of my kids ever hit each other or anybody else for that matter we told them "we don't hit in this family" and then shut them out the room if at home or would have taken them from the park, play group etc. If you're child is hitting in public then you tell them before "if you do it we will go straight home" and follow through! It's not fair on the other children to let them stay when you can't be sure they won't hurt again even if they say sorry

I think with such a young child an immediate consequence applied utterly consistently is the way to go tbh rather than lack of something hypothetical at the weekend.

So if she hits or tries to hit at home she gets an immediate time out. If she hits or tries to hit whilst out and about then straight home. It eill mean a tough couple of weeks and several aborted trips but if you display zero tolerance she'll get it quite quickly. (Also don't do out and about stuff when she's tired or hungry as this is a recipe for disaster).

Thanks for all of you replies, especially BarbarianMum.

We always take issue with her behaviour and apply the sanction immediately. We are as consistent as we can be and always go straight home if it happens in a park, party, shop or similar. Often very disruptive to us but be do it nevertheless and have been from about 14 Mo.

I know many parents and know that hitting is a problem that should pass but this is sustained violence towards others for quite a long time. How normal is it I wonder and how can we manage it?

The little thing is about to be excluded from her nursery - never heard of this before.

S