Kids constantly telling on each other- how to deal

[FedupofTurkey]

2 of our kids are constantly saying the other ones done something - whats the best way to deal? They want to drop each other in it - but equally it needs dealing with if its swearing/biting etc

Whenever it is something they should have dealt with themselves ask them what they think they should do to solve the problem. When they make a suggestion send them back to try it. This will help them learn to try to manage things without coming to you.

On the occasions you need to intervene, try the HighScope conflict resolution approach which builds on those skills.

No useful advice but my Mum always used to say 'No one likes a clype dear.'

I would be tempted to say "Is your name in this story? If it isn't, I don't want to hear it from you".

How I handle it depends entirely what it is.

Mine are 13 and just turned 15 and I had enough of that he said he did muuuu-uu-uuum crap years ago.

He had an ice pop, he won't let me use the xbox, he did this he did that he did the other

Will get an "oh well, talk to him about it then". or "never mind, do/have something else" or sometimes at the end of a long day of it I win my mother of the year awards as I say "I don't care. Sort it out yourselves."

If it's something more serious (but not witnessed by me or accompanied by blood or marks ) then I'll send them to different rooms or put them on the treadmill on the grounds that they clearly need to run off some energy. They think twice about trying to drop the other one in it if they have to sit in an empty room or sweat it out on the treadmill too!

If they're fighting over a thing, I say "let me help you both out. Give it to me. Neither of you gets it. You're welcome."

If they're fighting over a thing, I say "let me help you both out. Give it to me. Neither of you gets it. You're welcome."

Hmm. My parents used to do this. My sister cottoned on to it being a great way to get things I was enjoying taken off me. Why I never did it to her I will never know. I just used to feel guilty if I did the dirty on her.

As she grew up she continued to cause trouble for me for the sheer pleasure of doing it.

She hasn't changed but I can give her a wide berth these days. However I do still feel sad that nobody was ever interested in anything but finding the quickest and easiest way to restore peace and quiet.

I'm sorry that your sister was like that. That does not sound like a nice sibling relationship for you. I'm sorry she was spiteful. I am glad that you are able to stay away from her these days.

Fortunately, my boys just fight. There is no side to it, no hidden motive. No spitefulness or slyness. What you see is what you get with them. Their autism means that they perceive things quite differently from nt children and a fight over a thing is simply a fight over a thing which can be solved very easily by removing said thing. I am happy with my assessment of my children's motivations and the range of strategies I use.

I am happy with my assessment of my children's motivations and the range of strategies I use.

Fair enough

I often tell mine 7 and 5 that 'it's too petty for me to get involved in' it's mostly about wanting to play different xbox games or watch different things and general grumpy moody he did this he said that

I'm tired of it if I'm honest, a lot of the time it's often the one that came crying to me that started it and provoked it anyway! With the other being a bit sly, go ask mummy if we are allowed to play xbox, knowing I'm going to be annoyed when they've been told no!

I don't really know the best way to handle it because if I don't see it, I don't want to have to make a judgement.

I've been trying to give them a cuddle, listen to them and tell them what they should do. I will try asking them what they think they should do instead. Sometimes it's a bit difficult when you get completely bombarded with 2 of them whining and telling tales!

I tend to find that whoever comes to tell is the one who began it, and the other has escalated it. So unless I've seen, they get fairly short shrift.

It tend to be along the lines of:
A is sitting with chair/legs out.
B asks them to move
A says there's plenty of space to get past.
B pushes past brushing A
A shrieks that they've been hit "mmmmuuuuummmm!"

Now .
A should have moved
B could have got past without brushing them
B didn't do more than brush A

Could have been resolved at any of those points.

I have also pointed out to my oldest that there's nothing more irritating that tryng to annoy your sibling and not managing. So walking away, ignoring the brush past etc. is a very good way of being extra irritating and what's more they can't complain about it

I also banned the phase "did it on purpose", which seemed to be added to every accusation.
I remember the day one of mine tripped over and landed on another. "She fell on me on purpose". To which I pointed out that people didn't generally choose to fall, if you did fall then you didn't really have a choice, and if you were going to choose where to fall you certainly wouldn't have chosen to fall onto their nobbly knees!