At the end of my tether with dd 6

[TheStitchWitch]

Dd is a bright, beautiful, independent child. She was an early talker, we could have a coversation with her at 18 mths, she never wanted help with anything she would rather scream in frustration trying to put her own socks and shoes on than accept any help. She has nothing but good reports from school, she's reading at year 3 level and often comes home from school with certificates for good work and good manners and her teacher says she's a pleasure to teach, me and dh couldn't be prouder...but her behaviour at home is driving us crazy and making us miserable

As a baby she would never nap in the day where as ds who's 2 yrs older would feed have a change and a cuddle and then sleep. She wanted to be held all the time and would scream if I left the room.

As she's got older if she's told she can't do something, for example, have a lolly or biscuit just before dinner she has a totally over dramatic screaming fit.
She messes around in the mornings refusing to dress or eat breakfast, As soon as I pick her up from school she has a meltdown over the silliest things. She whines almost contantly and even though she was an early talker she talks in a whiny baby voice.

And then there's bedtime which is a complete nightmare, We have supper, read a book together, brush teeth then bed, she goes to the loo gives ds a kiss, she starts being silly and takes ages about it, she goes to her room and chooses which teddy she wants in bed then she likes her back scratched by which time she's changed her mind about which teddy she wants then she needs another wee, then she says I've not given her enough kisses and cuddles so I give her more.

We feel like we've tried everything, we've done tine out were she has to sit on the bottom step of the stairs and she screams kicks and bangs, we've put her in her room and she does the same. We've taken things away from her, tried reward charts, promised her that if she doesn't tantrum she'll get a treat, I've spoken to her a lot and asked if there's anything me or her dad can do to make her feel better but nothing works.

When she was in nursery I spoke to her teacher about her behaviour and she assured me that dd was very bright and when she went to school things would improve but they're getting worse.

I don't know what to do and I feel like a totally crap mum and a failure
ds's behaviour is amazing, he rarely needs to be told to behave and I feel like he's missing out because all of our time is taken up dealing with dd

Please please somebody help, I love her so much but can't help but feel like the bond with her is breaking and that breaks my heart

my dd (5) can be a bit like this. Two things come to mind. ..and sorry if I'm stating the obvious.

Firstly her behaviour sounds very attention seeking. It also sounds like it gets her attention when it should be you not her taking control and setting the boundaries. My dd also tests boundaries, big time.

Secondly the less we try to make dd happy the better she is. If I make her do chores to 'earn' time playing or take her for big long walks for example which she moans about she is more appreciative of everything. It also gives something to praise her for.

Thanks for replying. Your right, she is very attention seeking and I've been guilty of backing down on occasion for a quiet life, I know that's the wrong thing to do and it gives the wrong message but when she's screaming I don't know how to cope

She likes to help with things in home so I'll use that because some days I find it hard to praise her for anything.

Hi, just to say that my dd, now 7, is a bit the same. Demanding baby and toddler, now very well behaved at school, but very hard work at home. She screams and is rude and surly when she doesn't get her own way. I am planning to try what someone suggested on another thread - ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good excessively. 'Punishments' - like withdrawing ipad or tv time, sending her to her room - don't seem to work at all. But it feels wrong to ignore when she is mean to her little sister. As you can tell, I don't have any good answers!

Wow this sounds like I wrote it and on Friday was at end of tether as she had a tantrum that I ordered a school photo out of a frame and spoke to me like dirt so as we were on way dancing I done an about turn and she missed her favourite lesson of week. However she didn't learn a great deal from it! I can't cope with the tantrums and the grumpy talking she does 24/7, thank you for starting a very helpful thread.
My. DD is 6 and her toddler days were exactly the same! X

I should have read the other threads before starting my own....... My daughter is the same. I have been advised to ignore her but my son is copying (screaming, rude words etc) so it is very difficult to just let it go.I have always been very fair but now have no idea how to deal with things. X

Thanks so much for the replies
It seems like there are a few of us feeling the same, Today has started the same as all the others, Tantrum because I wouldn't let her have sugar on her Frosties, relentlessly winding up poor ds and then lying on her back on the floor gargling her spit (gross) and because I'm ignoring the noise in the hope she'll get bored and stop she getting louder and louder
Oh and now we're back on to whiny baby voice

This isn't normal behaviour is it?

Do you spend one on one time with her, doing whatever she wants to do? Draw, play hide and seek, build blocks... just giving her your undivided attention?

Do you give her choices so that she feels that she has some control over her life? She can decide which shirt she wants to wear, which cereal she wants for breakfast and if she wants to bath before or after supper, whatever works for you.

If she won't get dressed, take her to school in her pyjamas. I doubt you will have to do that more than once. Tell her it's her decision. If she won't put on shoes, tell her that her feet will be cold, then let her choose. There is nothing like experience of natural consequences to teach valuable life lessons.

Turn some tasks into a competition... dd, can you get dressed before me?

Is she maybe hungry when you pick her up from school and therefore more likely to tantrum? Maybe have something for her to eat the moment you pick her up. Also in terms of not eating breakfast, ask her teacher to talk to the class about how important it is to have something in your tummy for your brain to work properly. They listen more to teachers than to parents!

this is my dd too. Theyll grow out of it, just dont give in to the whining or hissy fits.

Bless you, not sure but I am hoping this is all a phase for all our sakes
Dd here decided to scream shout in my face over homework, so I told her find don't try and you will pick up dog poo as a job or do try and you can be whatever you choose, after serious thinking she came through with her home work and got on with it! Parent 1- child 0
However not all situations are resolved like this and I'm sure how I dealt with homework situation probably wasn't the best but unsure what to do half the time
Good luck maybe just continuous ignoring of noise will help but when she does something good ( even if just stopping the noise) immediately say I have noticed how you have stopped that noise and that makes me happy? Sometimes the smallest of praise might encourage them further? X

Lasting there is some really good ideas, will try them . Thank you

Don't respond to the whiny baby voice. Just calmly tell her that you cannot hear her when she speaks like that, you will listen when she uses a normal voice. Never, ever give her what she wants because she screams.

Dildoos, good point about positive feedback. "Thank you for asking in a normal voice dd, that makes it so much easier for us to have a conversation. No, you cannot have a biscuit now as it's close to suppertime but if you eat all your food you may have one afterwards". "Wow dd, you did such a good job of eating your breakfast quickly, now we have time to read a book before school." "I see your room is nice and tidy, I bet it feels good to know where all your things are now!"

In terms of bedtime, do you allow screens before supper? No screens for an hour before bedtime is good as it stimulates their brains too much. Does she get exercise? Maybe she is just not tired enough at night to go to sleep. You could try calming chamomile tea if she would be willing to drink it.

When your dd has meltdowns, does she have control over it? Can she stop any time she chooses to or does she completely lose control?

I haven't read this book but it is often recommended on here.

Just another idea, then I will shut up... use humour. When dd throws a tantrum, put a saucepan on your head and dance around the kitchen, pull funny faces, flap your arms and make noises like a chicken, do starjumps while saying "boing" - all where she can see you but studiously ignoring her. It might just pull her out of the tantrum.

My DDs have AS (not suggesting yours does) and are perfect angels in school. Teachers are always saying they wish they had a classful of my DDs.

However, that excellent behaviour comes at a price. Holding in their emotions all day and working so hard means they come home exhausted and ready to burst. As soon as they begin to relax it all comes out.

I have found that a quiet half hour straight after they arrive home with no social interaction, perhaps reading or watching tv in their rooms, enables them to wind down in a nicer way and after that they are ready to talk and join back in with the world in a more civilised manner.

I sometimes think kids use all their "goods" up at school, then they have nothing left for home.

It sounds like she has fallen into a pattern of doing this for attention even if it's negative attention she receives.

Withdraw attention when she acts in this way. When she is calm just explain that it's impossible to deal with someone when they are behaving like that. When she is behaving herself then she gets attention, let it be the only way for her to receive attention. Be consistent, don't keep changing methods. When you start something new often the behaviour will get worse before it gets better.

If she really misbehaves then let her feel the consequences of her actions. This isn't the same as punishment, it's a direct action of her behaviour so she owns it.

The book lasting light recommends is very good.

Aaah yes the whine. My dsd is 6 and has perfected this. Our response is to say "I'm sorry but I can't hear you" followed by, "daddy can you hear something? maybe a mosquito? or is it a wasp!" by which time she is generally smirking. If a normally voiced request hasn't been made by that point, she gets a more direct "I'm not prepared to talk with you when you speak like that".

Agree wih the pp who said about one on one time - could you try the tactic "if you are really helpful and tidy your toys, then set the table, we can do x, y, z after tea". This too hasbeem invaluable wih dsd.

Love the idea of depositing a grumpy pyjama-clad child at school

I may be wrong but increasingly it seems to me with my own dd that difficult or defiant behaviour like this is precipitated by some stress or unhappiness of hers. When I was a child I was prone to anger and stroppiness and I remember feeling misunderstood and lonely, especially when I got told off for it. With my dd I'm trying - not always managing - to empathise more, give her a hug etc when she's like this. It may well not work of course!

This sounds so like us... perhaps your situation is a little more extreme than ours, but really so much the same. As a matter of interest, was your daughter a bit 'out of synch' with emotional and intellectual development when she was smaller (when milestones are easier to spot)? I ask this only because what we realised was that, although our daughter (who like yours wouldn't sleep during the day as a baby, was a very early talker and is now very well behaved at school and a bit of a monster at home), has always been very early in her speech, skills etc, she was on the late(ish) side for emotional development - I mean she had the 'terrible twos' at about age three-three and a half, for example. You don't expect it, because if they're advanced in one way you expect it to be across the board, but it isn't always like that.

If she's sensitive, especially to criticism, she could be 'saving up' the stress of her day for the people she trusts (i.e. you!) and letting fly when she gets home. My daughter does this, and it's truly awful (mostly for me!), but don't paint it as something that it isn't - you're not losing your relationship with her. It sounds like a phase. A difficult one, but a phase. It also sounds like she's tired at the end of the day (I bet she was one of those babies who would scream and scream as soon as she got even a little bit tired, but would never go to sleep!)

I try to joke about it with my daughter when she's being particularly irritating - 'What's got your knickers in a twist?' etc. More for me than for her, to remind myself that this is just a child I'm dealing with. I also try to tell her that she's making me stressed, or making things difficult for me if she starts misbehaving in public (and it's never anything really bad, just things like doing things she'd been told not to, not coming when asked etc, but it adds up). I read somewhere that it's better to highlight that you have a problem with what she's doing, rather than there being something wrong with her, if that makes sense. I also tell her that I love her, often (I'm sure you do this), and that I always love her, even when she is annoying me (and I'm sure she knows when this is happening!).

I really think that it's a phase. Look at it this way... at least she's not fourteen, yet!

My Dd is just the same. When she gets in a strop the best way of pulling her out of it is by out-trumping her, eg if she's shouting about something, I just put on a silly loud voice back, dd laughs rather than strops. Taking her iPad or similar off her doesn't work. She really thrives on doing chores, and being helpful, so I give her lots of jobs. I see her personality emerging as a people pleaser, much like me. In fact, my mum says I was exactly the same. Anyway, good luck, hoping they'll all grow out of it! The fact they're great at school may indicate potential to be good at home too, hopefully!