Competitiveness ...good or bad?

[justwondering72]

I was not brought up to be competitive. My parents always emphasized "do the best you can do" and never pushed us to do any competitive activities. Sometimes we took part in sports or music competitions through school etc, but it was never a big deal. I am probably bringing DS up the same.

We have some close friends with a DS the same age as mine. He is really, really competitive, turns everything into a competition and gets really huffy when he does not win. It's making play dates a strain to say the least! My DS gets upset if he can't do something well, but if he loses a race or game he just laughs it off. His friend strops around, refuses to play anymore, gets angry. They are both 6.

It got me thinking though, is it a good thing to encourage competitiveness in children? The world is a competitive place at times, and there will be times when it might benefit my children to actively want to win, not just to do their best and have fun on the way. My friends OH is a bit of an alpha male, he's always pushing to cycle further, run faster, just go that bit beyond others if he goes out with my DH and the boys, whereas DH puts the emphasis on having fun and getting back in one piece! I guess I am wondering if I am doing my children a favour by discouraging them from being competitive? I don't feel I was disadvantaged by it, but it's true that neither my sister nor I have headed into high powered careers etc.

What'd ya think? Is competitiveness something to be encouraged or not?

I think there is a difference between being healthily competitive and being so overly competitive that it leads to bad behaviour. The difficulty is that its a very fine line which is hard to navigate. I am competitive comes from being a twin and I think its a good thing. My DS 9 is competitive when it comes to sports, wants to win above all else, but as part of a team. DD is very competitive academically wants to be the cleverest but couldn't give two hoots about winning a race or playing competitive sport. That level of competitiveness is good IMO understanding that you have to want to succeed / win in life and being quite focused about it. As a 6 yr old, they're old enough to understand that. They're also old enough however to understand that having a strop / failing to share / refusing to play because its not going your way, whatever the motivator, is wrong.

Is your son an only child?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend some time ago and it opened my eyes to understand the 'other side' of this issue.

I'm youngest with two older brothers. My upbringing was all about competing and sticking up for myself etc. I always assumed this was a typical family set up.

My friend is an only child, she is by her own admission non-competitive. She is happy to let other people go first, let them win if it matters most to others, uninterested in leading etc. This is, she says, as a direct result of there being no competitiveness in her upbringing.

I can see both sides. I think my friend must have a lot of self confidence to not care if she is side-lined. She is confident in herself and her own abilities to not need validation from anyone else. That is a wonderful characteristic.

But equally my friend does not want her children to be as non competitive as she is. As much as I see all of the positives in her upbringing, she sees all the positives in my upbringing (in that I am very forward, forthright and self assured).

I suppose there are benefits to both.

I also think competition is healthy - there's not nearly enough of it in schools these days.
But I also think it's important for schools, parents and anyone who deals with kids' clubs etc to find something for everyone. Some kids excel at football, some at maths, some speak several languages. Some are really good at art, crafts in general, caring for people, keeping their room tidy, cooking, etc. It's important to find something that a child is good at and praise them for it, whilst explaining that we're not all going to get a gold medal for the 100m sprint, excelling at other things is equally as rewarding and important (if not such high profile). Its the "other things" that make the world a nicer place to live in.

Of course there are some kids who get A*s in everything, captain the school hockey team, get to grade 8 piano by 10, and have their art exibited in the Tate by 12.
They are just abnormal and a PITA!!

Ah but youdontneed nearly all those things, except the hockey captaincy, are not competitive - they are 'succeed on your own merit / skills / practice etc' achievements. And I did do a lot of them - learning to play various musical instruments, passing exams well etc. Excelling at something that you have worked hard at is not the same as being competitive. It's the difference between wanting to master a skill, to be good at something for yourself and wanting to be better at it than others, to beat them.

My DS is not an only, his friend is.

Waffle, I think I feel a bit like your friend does. I'm perfectly ok with me not being competitive, I know my own worth and my abilities. But I also know that I choose to duck out of anything that resembles a competition. And I don't know if that's the best thing to teach my children. Especially as I have two boys, and an awful lot of boy talk seems to focus on who's the fastest / cleverest / strongest etc. in their group. Should I be helping them to participate in that or to have the strength to know their own worth without having to beat others and always be the winner at any cost?

OP you don't have to choose between the two approaches, you have to get a balance between them. It's fantastic that your kids are not upset when they don't win, being a good loser is an important life skill to have. Your son's poor friend possibly feels that his dad only loves him and approves of him when he is winning, which can't be good for his self esteem. I would say don't actively discourage your kids to compete if they want to, we live in a competitive world and they need to learn how to handle that. But keeping emphasising that one can get a great deal of satisfaction out of learning to do something well even if you're not the best at it.

I wonder whether his parents are the type of people who always let him win as a young child so he got it in his head that he should always win? I wonder whether they also ignored bad sportsmanship (i.e. having a strop when he lost instead of challenging out)? This is normally where it stems from. Quite often competitive parents create competitive children.

It is so easy to send the wrong message just by trying to be kind. When we play games with our 3.5 ds, we all play to win. That means that sometimes he wins, sometimes he doesn't. We also model good sportsmanship. We identify and then clap the winner.

• Puts hand up -

Mine is uber-competitive (8 yo DS) too! The strops when he doesn't win have become more contained as he's grown up - they were impossible tantrums at 4, and are mostly based around sulking now. I think that the peer group at school helps with this - nobody likes a sore loser (or a lord-it-over-everyone winner) and they soon pile on the peer pressure if he overdoes the dramatics. His teacher has had a word about his competitive behavior a number of times - we have a slightly different view from his teacher - she finds it very frustrating, but we do see some positives in the behaviour in that he is a driven and determined little man, and that, given the right and consistent messages about his attitude when he wins/loses, this is a characteristic that will serve him well in the adult world.

Just be consistent about talking to him about how he comes across to others when he wins/loses - being a good sport is important, and the rest will come with maturity - hopefully!

Competitiveness to a degree is fine but it can get out of hand. One local child is always boasting about everything. Anything one child says he has to say he's bigger, better, done it sooner or can build one himself - even if it's something like a CCtV camera. He has to get places first and if he doesn't there is always a reason why it's not his fault he didn't get there quickest. It drives me and my child crackers!

We have twin boys aged nearly 5.

One is uber competitive but fine mostly if he loses.

The other really wants to win but gives up, lies on the floor and howls the moment it looks like he might not win.

We've brought them up the same - that what is important is that you try your hardest.

They are wired differently.

you can't blame the upbringing he is 6. dd is 5 and a terrible loser . I am firmly of the opinion she needs to learn and I've never let her win.

I've had other children round and they are very about it but it just hasn't sunk in yet. But they are so young.

I'm just secretly glad it's dh going to sports day

I had this discussion with someone recently. I was amazed to discover that some people think being competitive is a good thing. I see it as a very negative trait.

I'm sure that people who are very competitive tend to be high achievers, but I wonder how happy they are? And whether they are very nice people? I have worked with adults who are very competitive, and honestly speaking, they are not well liked.

Jinsei - sorry to amaze you about this, but yes, healthy and respectful competitive behaviour is a good thing, as long as it's not the expected personality-type default and as long as we're all happy to agree that being more laid back and cooperative are also fab personality traits.

Being inspired by someone else and wanting to go one better, but being gracious if you don't, and gracious if you do is no bad thing. Of course, there are, in my experience, lots of people who resent other people's 'high achievements' and make a point of being nasty - it almost always comes across as jealousy. Of course, there are high achievers who can be knobs about it all.

Personally, I refuse to try and change what seems to be a innate characteristic in my child - I'll try my best to moderate the way he comes across, but I gotta embrace it, because that's who he is.

Also meant to add that being 'well-liked' might not be a priority for some personality types - doesn't make them odd or mean they can't be happy.

I think a lot of competitiveness you are either born with or you aren't. I'm very competitive and neither of my parents are and none of my other 5 siblings are, but my nan is and I'm incredibly like her in some ways so think it is more of a trait I inherited.

I don't think it really matters either way, competitive people will fill some roles better and non competitive people will fill other roles better. I do though think that overly competitive natures will find it the hardest but I may be totally wrong!

Jinsei - I'm competitive but also very friendly and genuinely nice! I've never struggled to make friends (you might just not want to play monopoly with me!)

I'm not very competitive but my dd is very much. It has it's benefits but I guess it has served me well not to be as I am also quite lazychilled.
I think relentless competitiveness must be exhausting!

I'm kinda going to sit on the fence on this one. I don't think there's anything wrong with being competitive or not.
The likes of Murray, Federer, Djokovic (only going with tennis as it's on atm) have got where they are by being competitive and not being willing to accept second best but similarly the world would be a pretty awful place of we were all like that.
I do think though that it's something you with her have or don't, I don't think it's something you develop.