Does anyone know how I could have handled these tantrums better?

[notmuchofaclue]

I'd really welcome some advice from more experienced toddler handlers!
DD has just turned 2 and has recently started throwing a few tantrums. Her big thing is wanting to be picked up and carried all the time, and recently this has been the subject of meltdowns because I'm trying to get her to understand that she can't always be carried around. Initially i told her she had to ask nicely and not in a whingey voice, which she started doing. But there are sometimes when we're doing something else/it's not practical to pick her up, so I started telling her no in those situations. This got her in a right state, and started a good few tantrums of late.
My problems are these - am I confusing her with the rules, as in the midst of her meltdowns she was desperately trying to ask nicely to be picked up. And also, how do I resolve a tantrum which is over me not being able/wanting to pick her up, when she gets so distressed that she just needs a cuddle to calm down. Am I being bad mum for not eventually picking her up to help calm her down, or bad mum for effectively 'giving in' to what the tantrum was about?
I'm probably overthinking it all, but I can't stop going over it in my mind, and not sure how I should deal with it next time. Plus when she's tucked up in bed, I start to get the guilt about thinking about her screaming 'pleeeeeeaase mummy'! Aargh!

First thing - totally forget that guilt, relax! She has utterly forgotten about it so you must as well and be kind to yourself, you are clearly busting a gut to be a good mum to her so no need for guilt.
Also, 2 / 3 year olds simply do feel overwhelming emotion and have to express it, so if not about the picking up, she WOULD have a tantrum about something else, so don't over think it. You are not being unreasonable in sometimes being busy and unable to pick up so it's ok in my opinion to say that but perhaps it's possible to frame what you are saying so it's less of a no? As in 'I will pick you up when my hands are empty, shall we have a cuddle when I have put these in the house/car/when we get to wherever'....does that make sense? You may be doing that anyway. Just a thought.
Also, if she isn't too huge, it could even be worth trying some of the slings that are suitable for toddlers, people do toddler-wear I understand though I didn't myself due to back problem and huge toddler!

You are not a bad mum for wanting to comfort your child during a tantrum but picking her up sends her the message that if she screams for long enough, she will win. Therefore say no and explain why and then if she needs a cuddle to diffuse the tantrum, get down on her level and give her a hug but do not pick her up. Good luck.

I don't actually agree. I think the more you pick them up NOW the less likely they are to need picking up (in two months time say) They do actually move on developmentally. Often it is worth investing a bit of time to give that extra reassurance/input and she will suddenly rush off and do her own thing most of the time as a result. I would go with it and try and tweak life for a bit to avoid future issues.

I say this as the mother of twins who I could not pick up and carry all the time; as a result my 4/5 year old developed an addiction to being carried around and sitting in the pushchair. I used to carry her to primary school (a very short walk) when a very WISE friend told me that this was my chance to solve the problem once and for all by actually doing what she wanted and going with it. After 3 months of being carried to primary and sitting in a pushchair she jumped up and ran off and never asked to be carried again.

Again in ballet she refused to go into the sessions aged about 6, I got angrier and angrier and kept pushing her away back into the session. Result...she got more and more needy. What I should have done was just sat with her on my lap watching the session for three sessions and then she might have wanted to join in. She did ballet for 1 year and a half, but we never really resolved the needy manipulative response to the session (I mean that she was always trying to demand my emotional attention throughout the leadup to ballet)

Trust your instincts and don't expect your child to grow up too fast.

So essentially what I am saying (rambling on) is tackle the "wanting to be picked up" rather than the tantrums. Then there won't be any tantrums.

I have recently had to say no to any carrying at all for my nearly 2 year old. I have PGP with my current pregnancy and picking him up puts my pelvis out, walking with him gives me hours of pain. What I did, was tell him he was too big to be carried now, and offer him an alternative. So if he's tired we can sit down together for a rest, or he can go in the buggy. He's found that shops have seats, that there are benches in the shopping centre, and occasionally cafes if I'm feeling generous! I always have a snack and a drink in my bag, so if he heads towards the nearest seat we have a rest and I offer food/drink. He gets up onto the seat himself, and can have a cuddle there too. It's fun to get on the seat like Mummy, and solves the problem (of being tired) so he's happy. He will ask Daddy to carry him occasionally, but sees that as a real treat now and gets very excited about it!

I think it's easier to impose a blanket ban than to be inconsistent (because they get confused), but important to be aware of why they want carrying, and to do something about that.

Thanks for the responses everyone. And for the reassurance, it really helps. I don't suppose there's any right or wrong in these situations - sometimes I wish parenting could be more black and white!
When she does get herself in a paddy, I think getting down to her level to give her a hug but not picking her up is a good compromise, I'll give that a go. And then I might just have to chill out about it and see how we get on. I don't suppose she'll still want carrying around when she's a teenager!
Thanks again, it's good to get some sanity.