How do I tell DS (10) that I'm pregnant, when he's never wanted a sibling?

[SqueakyClean]

DP (DS's step-dad) and I plan to tell him in the next few days. I've had a knot in my stomach all day about this, as I have no idea how DS will react.

DP and I thought long and hard about whether or not to try for a baby together, but in the end felt that on balance it would be a positive thing for our blended family, for us as a couple, and ultimately for DS, even if at first he won't realise it.

DS's biological dad is local and loves him for sure, although is more than a bit dis-engaged/self-absorbed. DP is more of a dad to DS, and DS thinks a lot of him. They muck about together, do outdoorsy stuff, gaming, etc, and have formed a strong bond. DS (who lives pretty much with me) didn't notice when he didn't hear from his dad for over a week recently, but will ask where DP is when he's late getting home from work. So I'm positive enough that DS doesn't resent DP or anything like that.

But he has maintained, quite emphatically, whenever the possibility has arisen, that he doesn't want a sibling. He has said he'll move out if I ever get pregnant (to his dad's). He says a sibling will meddle with his things and take up lots of my time - which it will, but ironically, DS is growing up so fast (he's quite a developed 10) that he's increasingly doing his own thing, or with his mates, and I have to suggest spending a bit of time together because he's becoming so much more independent. So in reality, I don't think he'd notice as much as he imagines he would that I'd have my hands fuller with a little brother or sister. But this hasn't occurred to him; he just doesn't want siblings.

He's wonderful with his little cousins - I've seen how sweet and doting he can be, and he's protective of me and other relatives; has that sense of family loyalty. So I know he has it in him to be a great big brother and possibly to rather warm to the idea.

But I am dreading breaking the news, because I know he could feel (hopefully temporarily) very hurt and as though his world's falling apart. He will also share this sibling with his step-siblings, whom he doesn't have much time for, and I imagine might resent that link.

But at the end of the day, however he responds, I need to tell him, so I wondered if anyone has any ideas for how to deliver the news, soften the blow, etc? Grateful for any advice.

Thanks.

Far from an expert, but try to tell him at the end of the day, maybe get a takeaway so you can sit down and eat and talk about it, make it as much about him as possible as well as the news.

Hopefully that way he will get a nights sleep to think about it, and no matter how distressed he is initially, will feel better in the morning.

Thats my own thoughts anyway!

I haven't experienced your exact situation, but a similar one.
I would announce the news excitedly. You haven't actually said that you're happy about the pregnancy, just described it as a rational decision. If you don't sound excited about it how can you expect your DS to view it as a positive thing?
Good luck

I discovered recently that my parents considered more children when i was about that age. Mum asked me randomly (so I thought) one day whether I would have liked more siblings. With no thought at all I made it clear I really wouldn't, ruining holidays & family days by being so much younger with completely different needs etc. I don't think it was the reason they decided not to, but it was clearly a factor. I was 10! If I'd had any idea it was a genuine thought not one of mum's random hypothetical musings, I would I hope have been much more circumspect.

It sounds like you've had more conversation than that but I guess I just want to say don't put too much pressure on him holding the sway of whether this is good for the family. He's an important member of it but only one.

Thank you for your responses.

jimble1, I like your idea of making it about DS - along the lines of how great he is with his cousins, how much of a fab big brother we think he'll be, etc - as well as just about being with him; hanging out. He's staying up for the England game tonight and we're ordering a takeaway, so it could be our moment - softened perhaps if England win?!

ABeautifulLie, I am happy about the pregnancy. I never thought I'd have another, so I'm kind of in shock/taking it in too. I just have a very close relationship with DS - we've been through a lot over the years - and I worry so much about putting that bond at risk. I think although I'm excited, with respect to telling DS, I'm mostly just anxious! He knows I know how much he doesn't want a sibling, so I think it would be disingenuous of meet to be all jolly jolly about it. I think I need to be matter-of-fact, positive but sensitive.

itsatiggerday, thanks for your perspective. For sure DS isn't the only member of the household, but it was just him and me for a long time, and I've probably overcompensated with him to a degree because his dad's been so useless at times. It's finding that balance between saying I love you to bits and you are and always will be massively important in my life - and I want this new chapter with DP too, all without making him feel displaced. Now you know your mum was being more serious when she asked you as a child, do you find yourself thinking you might have liked a younger sibling?

Thank you all again - all food for thought.

Sorry squeaky, got waylaid by life.

It's hard for me to answer that, it would have made lots of things really different and I am old enough for that to be a lot of history to rewrite to include a completely unknown person! But I know my mum especially had always wanted more and she is a good mum. So I can see how it could have been great. I certainly don't feel that I would have felt less loved. Hope it's gone well for you both.

If he does react badly, then do give him space, but don't think it's the end of it.

I had a friend whose dm got pregnant. She really didn't want this "noisy smelly thing" round her house. She was cross and threatened to run away etc. baby came home from the hospital and she was smitten within days. In fact she was quite boring on the subject of what the baby had done.
But equally well, I do know of people who have said how much their dc is desperate for a sibling. Sibling's arrived and they found it was very different from the perfect baby they'd imagined. Very quickly they resented the baby, and it was a long time before they were reconsiled to having a younger one.

You might be surprised Squeaky - our ds (7) never wanted a sibling either. He never actually said anything like your ds has said, but he made it clear he didn't like babies, and wanted nothing to do with them. When we told him I was pregnant he was thrilled, and has been really happy ever since. Dd is now 5 months old, and he dotes on her. I was really worried about telling him but it turned out well thank goodness. Fingers crossed you are similarly surprised when it comes to telling your ds. Good luck!