Don't know where to turn for help - 5 year old hitting her older sibling and us daily

[BlackCatinChaos]

I don't know where to start really. My dd hits her sibling every day, sometimes without any reason and at other times with a reason. He must be sick of it and I just want to find a solution to the problem.
She also hits and kicks us (her parents) and throws a tantrum but that is usually cause she doesn't want to go to bed or to turn off the telly etc.

She has other behaviours which I don't consider a problem but they are maybe a little "out of step" ?
These are:
Hand flapping
Talking to herself or to imaginary friends also running around playing with imaginary friends.
climbing / jumping on the sofa from one chair to another.
Watching the same dvd over and over.
She has an excellent memory and is very bright.

Are these normal behaviours for her age?

If they are not where do I turn for help?

Are these normal behaviours for her age?

It depends to what extent she is doing them. They are all behaviours that are regularly seen in five year olds but they are also seen in more extreme forms in children with Autism.

If you are using recommended behaviour management techniques and they are not working to stop her lashing out, if her imaginary friends replace real friends or become so real that they prevent her from living what you would consider a normal life, if she watches the same DVD 20 times a day, not twice a week, if the tantrums are as much about things changing as about things she wants or if you feel her differences are impacting on her too heavily in any other ways, you can ask your GP to refer her for a neurodevelopmental assessment.

Waiting lists are long and the process usually involves several professionals who can assess lots of aspects of her development. You should come away with recommendations of how to manage her hitting better at the very least.

Thankyou for replying.

She talks to her imaginary friends every day. She has one friend in school who the teacher said could also be on the autistic spectrum.
The dvd's - she would watch it then want to watch it again straight after.
It's almost daily that she will want to watch a dvd but she seems to like one dvd for a few days then she will change to a different dvd.

She does cope with some change and she does like to do different things.

Children with Autism like watching the same DVD over and over again for the same reason that they ask the same questions repeatedly or like to keep to routines. It's because they find the predictability reassuring in a world that makes them feel anxious.

If your DD is lashing out a lot and also seeking activities of a repetitive nature, perhaps she is feeling anxious. Could she be feeling anxious in school?

I can only speak as a parent of two girls with AS but their behaviour at home deteriorates when school is stressful even thought their teachers think they are angels because they mask their difficulties when they are there.

Although people think imaginary friends are a sweet innocent part of childhood, I think researchers are now inclined to think this is not a good thing and should be seen as an indication that a child needs monitoring. I would seek help and maybe ask the school to get her, and you, an appointment to see the school's Educational Psychologist. I would definitely see the SENCO at the school because maybe they have noticed her behaviour is not the norm. However, children do seem to exhibit withdrawal symptoms when they are told they cannot watch a video or play on a computer any longer. If you had your time again, you would probably keep the videos for treats. She also sounds as if she needs to do more activities to tire her out! What about dancing, gym, swimming, any form of sport!

There do need to be consequences for lashing out at her sibling but she does seem to be under occupied and if she is intelligent, is this causing her problems? I took my DDs to so many things, even at 5. Plus we were out doing something every weekend. We visited castles, gardens open, village fetes, horse racing, picnics, river trips, London, theatre, music events, playgrounds, zoos, farm open days and much more. It was hard work but it stimulated them in the right way and we never had many videos and never had computer withdrawal tantrums. Try and replace videos with stories and reading.

Goldmandra So glad to hear you say they behave better at school. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that my DD is the same and when I talk to the teacher about her behaviour they say she is a star pupil.

I feel like People don't believe me when I tell them how she is.

We do try to take her to the park or out somewhere to keep her busy but fitting everything in around everyday stuff like cooking the dinner etc can be hard.
Also it's hard to find stuff that both children like that doesn't cost lots of money.
I do get what you mean though about trying to keep her busy.

I feel like People don't believe me when I tell them how she is.

That feeling is ridiculously common amongst parents of children with High Functioning Autism/Asperger's. I got to the point of wanting to deck the next person who told my that one of my DDs were 'fine'. They weren't fine; they were masking. There is huge difference.

If the root of her difficulties is that she is on the Autism spectrum getting her out to lots of busy places could be counter-productive. Busy social and sensory environments can be stressful and exhausting, even if they are fun, leading to worse behaviour when you get home.

You might be better keeping to quite a structured routine at home with lots of information and warnings about what is happening and when. You can also use deep pressure activities like carrying heavy objects, tight hugs, trampolining, massage, rough and tumble to help reduce stress and wobble cushions/gym balls to sit on if sitting still for too long is difficult.

Use the DVDs as wind down time when she's done something a bit more challenging. Talking to imaginary friends might also be helping because she gets to control the responses.

The token theory works well for us. DD1 has a certain number of imaginary tokens. The more demanding an activity is, the more tokens it uses. School uses quite a few tokens, a school trip would use a lot, as would having a friend over to play. She can replenish her token by having some time in a quiet space at school or watching tv at home. Deep pressure activities and playing with our dogs replaces them too. If she uses up all her tokens she feels stressed, so is more likely to lose her temper or behave badly. You can learn to make plans based on how many tokens something will use and avoid the repercussions of using up too many and being overwhelmed.

HTH