7 year old DS still upset over split 3 years ago

[plumpthecushionsmrs]

ExH and I separated 3 years ago, he moved out and lives half an hour away. My DS stays overnight with him one night during the week and every other weekend but sees him for a few hours here and there throughout the week too, if I'm working till 6pm. DS is generally a happy boy and is very close to both me and his dad.

When he's at home he's happy and settled in his routine but when he comes back from being at his dad's he is so unsettled and upset and asks me over and over why did his dad have to leave. He says things like "did daddy leave because he didn't want to see me every day", "I want to be with you but I just want daddy to be here too", "I miss daddy when he's not here and I miss you when I'm at dad's".

He has night terrors and bad dreams occasionally and I'm worried that this is because he is stressed about it all. I do everything I can to reassure him that me and his dad love him so much but sometimes grown ups are better living separately, it was nothing to do with him etc. I have told him he can see or phone his dad anytime, it has always been quite amicable between us so DS never heard arguments between us.

I thought after 3 years he would be okay with the separation and settle into his routine of going between the two of us but he really isn't getting used to it and is still very upset about it. All of his friends have both parents at home so he sees this if he goes for a play at their house.

Is there anything else I could be doing to help him with this? like I said its a lot worse if he has been with his dad then comes home, the first night back is heart breaking when he can't sleep as he's crying so much.

Do you think the bad dreams and night terrors are his age or possibly stress because of all this? He's quite a sensitive little boy. Do you think it would be worth me and his dad talking to him together?

Any advice much appreciated.

i would get counselling for your son with an experienced child counsellor. i had similar issues and it helped no end.

Thanks Bath, did the doctor recommend you see a child counsellor? I am seriously considering this as DS had another night terror tonight after staying overnight with his dad last night. I know night terrors can be brought on with tiredness or it can be an age thing but also know it can be stress.

He seems happy most of the time and I know he has a good time with his dad but really thought he would be ok with us splitting up and him going to his dad's after all this time. What did your child counsellor say was causing the problems if you don't mind me asking?

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Hi plumpthecushions sorry to hear about your son being so upset. I am just reading how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. It is quite helpful and I think it might help in your situation. The book explains you should listen to the child telling you about their feelings and not say something that makes it seem they are mistaken to feel that way e.g "don't worry its not as bad as you think" as this invalidates the feeling, but instead give the feelings a name, like you sound really sad or you would really like it if Daddy could be here right now. It explains parents often think this will make the child feel worse, but it actually allows them to talk about how they are feeling and feel better for talking.

If he asks questions get him to answer for himself. Like if he says does it mean Daddy doesn't love me, you could say "do you think Daddy loves you even though he can't be here right now?, can you love someone even if you don't live together?" So he is finding out the answer for himself with your direction.

Another thing is to get him to sit down with you and maybe his dad too if you get on well, and write a list of all the things you all could do to make him feel better, you put some suggestions and so does he. He will feel involved in creating the solution and that will help him know he can solve problems himself.

Getting a counsellor via the G.P might take a while so I think trying to get him talking to you is a good place to start, but getting a good counsellor could be very helpful too.

Livelablove thank you very much for your reply. I read some of that book quite a while ago and will dig it out to have a read again.

My DS has been great these last few weeks and seems to have settled down recently. We've had a couple of nights where he has been a little bit upset and I have listened and acknowledged how he is feeling. No night terrors or bad dreams though so I'm relieved about that.

It can be very tough on children when their parents split up but sounds like you and ex doing a great job at providing love and security for him.
Just a couple of ideas, is it possible for son to text daddy goodnight every night? And how about if dad bought him a special toy that he could sleep with and perhaps take to his dads when he stays over so he has that constant connection with dad.
I am glad to hear that he has settled somewhat in the last couple of nights.
Keep on talking to him and get dad to do likewise, tell him how much you love him, always validate the other parent and keep listening to how he feels. I hope it continues to get better for him.