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Original poster

Stepson Being Really Difficult family falling apart

13 replies

david5757 · 14/06/2014 20:32

Hi I'm new here and needed advice so thought this is the place to come.

My stepson aged 14 has been really hostile to me and my two new sons 14 & 16. My partner and stepsons dad split about a year ago (nothing to do with me). The dad of my stepson owns the house me and my partner are living in he has said he will never kick my partner or me out etc long story anyway. My house has three bedrooms one master and large 2nd bedroom and a 3rd bedroom. My stepson room is the second bedroom, he sleeps in a double bed and has this large room to himself. My sons have the third bedroom and they both share the 3rd bedroom in two singles. Their bedroom is useable and liveable but with two teenage sons its hardly ideal. Anyway i asked stepson if he would move to 3rd bedroom and my two boys have the second bedroom. He is adamant on staying in the double bedroom. Im more worried about when my stepson turns 18 i believe he may get gifted the house and then he will kick me and my two sons out. He is in the same school as my kids and same year as my youngest. Another point i would like to make is no matter how difficult my stepson he is equal to my son. The only thing is when my kids grow up stepson will inherit around £600,000 plus. i think this is unfair however i earn way below they amout needed to by the house (we live in london). Unless i win the lottery my kids won't inherit anything. My partner has been very generous letting me inside her ex husbands home and so has the ex husband. My stepson also has a lot more stuff. Stepsons father earns considerable more than me stepson wears Paul Smith clothes and other designers. Stepson has a macbook pro (which no one else can use). One time his mum came to be and said that he dent refer to me as step dad or my name he says just him. he even said once "i don't won't them in this house their alien to me". how can deal with this. How can i make my stepson and my kids more equal in privileges. Any advice?

OP posts:

Hassled · 14/06/2014 20:41

I can't see it improving while you're in the old family home. You say his parents split a year ago - that's no time at all really. He's at an age when his hormones are all over the place anyway and life is hard enough; then in less than a year his parents aren't together and a man he presumably hardly knows and two other boys (who I'm guessing aren't his friends but yet he has to share his space with) are in what was always his home. No wonder he's finding it hard to adapt. I'd struggle with that sort of scenario.

You could give it time and hope he gets to know and like you and he might become a bit more reasonable, or you, your DP and the boys could do what it takes to start afresh in a new home which is new for all of you, and then you'll get more equality.

lunar1 · 14/06/2014 20:42

You can't make it equal. In a year his parents split up, his mum met you and moved you and your children into the family home, is that right?

If I've understood correctly it all sounds way too quick. It's not really surprising he is unsettled . How do your children feel about all the changes?

tilbatilba · 14/06/2014 20:54

Agree way too quick and totally bizarre that you are concerned with his inheritance. Can't see why that should be an issue for your boys at all.

enderwoman · 14/06/2014 20:58

I have a 13 and 11 year old. Their Dad had a 6 month affair with his current gf and had now lived with her for 18m.

If I mention their father's gf by name or use the term "dad's gf" they will correct me and use a derogatory name to refer to her. The older one has not met her while the younger one has only seen her a handful of times. She is apparently polite to the kids so they don't have a concrete reason to hate her apart. They place more blame on the breakup of the marriage on her than him. My personal opinion is that he was to blame for the affair and if it wasn't her it would be someone else. (What I'm trying to say is that I'm not bitter towards her at all.)

12 months is very little time to your stepson. I am not surprised that he is not exactly your best friend. In my experience, young teens are very cynical and if he's aware that you want to use his MacBook Pro and feel inferior to his Dad because of your financial situation then that's only going to fuel his cynicism towards you.

Unexpected · 14/06/2014 20:59

Are you kidding? You have moved in with your partner in her house - presumably only a number of months ago - your stepson has lived there for how many years? It is his home and you think that as well as dealing with his parents splitting up, his mother moving in a new partner, gaining two new brothers and dealing with all the usual teenage hormones, that he should also give up his bedroom? Do you realise how entitled you sound?

You sound resentful that, through no "fault" of his own, your stepson has far more material wealth than your sons. You describe this as unfair - why? How would you propose this is solved? By your stepsons's dad giving your sons Paul Smith clothes, Macs, money etc? It is hardly his fault that his dad earns more money than you do and is in a position to give him all these things and also leave him a large inheritance.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 14/06/2014 21:09

I'm not sure how you're step son is being really difficult tbh. In less than a few months a new man and his children have moved in and are asking him to give up his room. Why should he share his things with "strangers" and yes to a young boy you are strangers.

You're not married to his mum so you are not his step dad so why should he refer to you as such?

NanaNina · 14/06/2014 22:10

I agree David with what others are saying. I think you are being totally unrealistic about this whole issue and it's small wonder this boy is hostile towards you. And the inheritance issue is just none of your business is it. OK so he has more stuff than your sons, but what do you want him to do, share his Mac book with 2 boys he hardly knows (and maybe doesn't even like)

The thing no one has mentioned is this boy's mother. What is she thinking of to allow you and your boys into a living arrangement within 1 year of the divorce - she must be very naïve to think that you are going to be playing "happy families" - with 3 teenage boys and the resentment you have about your boys not getting such a good deal as her son.

This is SP land - it's a minefield, a total minefield. I feel sorry for all 3 boys in this situation and think you (and the boy's mother) need to take a reality check.

Mumzy · 14/06/2014 22:26

OP you really need to put yourself in your dss shoes and see how you would feel if your DM did the same to you. It beggars believe how blinkered you and your DP are to your dss situation.

Jaffakake · 14/06/2014 22:27

I agree with pp.

I'm 35 and in 12 months my parents split up, after lying about them being happy together for over 7 years, got divorced and are setting up with new partners and my dad got remarried two weeks ago. I'm thoroughly pissed off upset by the whole situation and feel a great deal of animosity to my dads 'new' family, and, like I said, I'm 35, haven't lived at home for 15 years and have a family of my own!

So wind that back to being a teenager I don't think I'd be swapping rooms with people, who as far as I could tell, may not be sticking around that long.

The inheritance thing is a massive red herring, seeing as though perhaps I may get to inherit over £200k one day, unless the people giving it choose to do something different or may piss it away spend it. Until something like that happens, nothing in our lives should ever be judged on it. It's sheer luck what you get to inherit, nothing else.

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 14/06/2014 22:33

Do your sons live with you full time?
How long have you been in a relationship for?
Where did you live before?
Can you afford to buy a home with your DP?

Fairylea · 14/06/2014 22:38

They split a year ago.

You've moved in. You want the son to move out of his bedroom so your son's can have the room.

You begrudge him a macbook and inheritance.

Seriously?!

All way too fast. Too soon.

No wonder the son feels utterly upset and fed up. I would do too !

Bankofmumanddad · 04/11/2014 17:16

As a stepparent I find your attitude rupugnent. Why should you dislike your stepson over something a stupid as money or bedroom size.

olivesnutsandcheese · 06/11/2014 07:22

You should ask for this to be moved to step-parenting.

I'm afraid though that your attitude will be more under scrutiny than your step son's behaviour.

He sounds totally fed up and fairly rightly so.

Please don't try to fuel resentment between the boys - their situation is none of their making. I think you and your DP need to start to consider putting the children first rather than your relationship.

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