4yr old meltdowns - i need coping strategies

[tellmeastory]

How does everyone else manage? I try to be firm but fair, don't hit, try not to shout, but I end up ranting. This week I'm trying the ignore bad behaviour approach, if I succeed today I think I deserve a sticker.

We had two meltdowns before breakfast, all really because ds1 is tired and wants his own way. I think I'm doing everything wrong.

I do try to change my approach if I think something isn't working but it seems to be every week I'm looking for new ideas. Help.

Kids do have meltdowns - ignore THOSE. Meltdowns are not bad behaviour, they are just a child being frustrated and trying to control what happens. Keep changing what you do won't help - that can confuse a child.
You are right not to hit or shout but ranting is no good either.

You just need to stick to what you decide is to be done and be consistent. Don't panic or get uptight and react just because a child is having a melt down otherwise that is the both of you 'losing it' and it will escalate.
I think you have to stay calm - not easy - but it helps the child to calm down more quickly than ranting does.

From memory - my DD is 8 now - the main thing is to stay calm and be consistent. Time outs are good to help you both to calm down and cuddles once it's all over are important to reassure the child that they can have these big emotions without the world ending.

Thank-you, they seem to be happening so much, up to several times a day since April, not sure what happened in April to trigger it, he's always had them they are just more frequent.

I do tell him I love him a lot, but it feels like inbetween I am saying no or don't, so much.

Can you think about what triggers them and try to avoid these situations at all?
I avoid taking mine into our local shop as he always wants an expensive magazine.
Mine has been much better recently and having them only when I say 'NO'.

I've tried to deflect and avoid saying no: You can have a biscuit after dinner if you can calm yourself down now or You can buy that plastic tat when you have enough pocket money.

I've tried to distract: Oh my, look at that huge seagull..what is it eating..?

I've tried to ignore. I will explain the reason once and then that is that.

I always remember that he's still little and hates the way I make all the rules. So I've tried to let him decide some things - e.g. do you need a hair wash tonight? (only when I know he doesn't really need one!) Do you think you should go to bed now or in 10 mins? (when there is plenty of time to go.)

I sometimes change my mind - actually it's not the end of the world if he doesn't have a bath, stays up for another 5 mins, doesn't eat all of his peas.

We have a cuddle and chat about it later and I ask him to think about how I felt when he slammed his bedroom door in my face or whatever. (actually relieved that he'd decided to bugger off upstairs for his tantrum..)

It's bloody knackering Hope some of these ideas help. You are certainly not alone...

I agree WowOoo It is good to let a child make some decisions - so long as they are not the important ones.
I would not avoid going into a shop I wanted to go in though, just because my child would want an expensive magazine. I think children have to learn they cannot always have something and especially NOT if they start demanding or having a meltdown over it.
It is amazing how quickly a child will learn if they NEVER get something as a result of a tantrum.
Mind you, I would then get them something as a result of not demanding or tantruming - but not very time. ( I don't mean promising them something if they don't have a tantrum - I think that is like a bribe)

Calmer, easier, happier, parenting - only talk when your child is quiet and calm, ask him to explain what he should be doing/how he should be talking (he knows, you've told him a million times), talk at eye level so you are both giving each other undivided attention (wait for him to stop what he's doing), don't repeat yourself (very hard!). Praise every tiny little thing he does that's going in the right direction e.g you're not shouting, I can see you're thinking about what you should be doing...

Empathy - tell him you know it's frustrating/he's angry/he doesn't want to/he's cross and listen to him. Be silly - 'I bet you wish you could be the boss of the world and make all the rules yourself'.

Special time for a few minutes every day- 1:1 doing what ever your child wants to do while you give him undivided attention.

The main focus is to be positive and tell your child what they should be doing instead of telling them to stop what they're doing all day long. My ds also needs very clear routines and boundaries so he know's what to expect most of the time.

No words of wisdom - just marking my place for when DS starts his tantrumming ways. I've been lucky so far, but it's going to come...

Thank you all again, good ideas above.

I think tiredness plays a big part, I also found recently that if he had juice or any sweets, they made any meltdown ten times worse, so I've stopped sweets and juice.

He no longer has a daily nap, only the occasional one, this helps at the time but then makes bedtime later so not really a good solution.

He wants to be in charge a lot, but at 4 he can't be, I also have ds2 who at not quite 2, does everything I say, while ds1 argues with everything I say.

However apart from lying on the floor crying it's not fair this evening after ds2 dropped his toy on the floor, today has gone pretty well, I have remained calm and not eaten every bit of chocolate I can find, which is my usual coping strategy.

Also while I've stopped sweet treats I've found a fairly good fruity snack that they both like so they don't feel like they're missing out.

Food is a major issue for us. My 4yr old is very picky and fussy so some meals will only have a rice cake or piece of fruit, and I eat a lot of junk when stressed but then suffer with rollercoaster blood sugar levels all afternoon. I'm trying to get us to snack on nuts and seeds more but so far he'll only have peanut butter. He'll also do pretty much anything for a reward - stickers and points for good behaviour work really well for him.

Sometimes it's almost impossible not to have a melt down when they do. My 2 year old grandson is having the tantrums from hell. Totally refuses to walk even one step when we go out. I can't walk away and ignore him as it would be too unsafe so the more I tell him to walk, the angrier and frustrated he gets then he starts kicking me and biting me. How I keep my cool god only knows.
Sounds like you are doing a really good job. I guess the older they get the more strong willed they become. What seems like dire behaviour often all of a sudden passes and is then replaced with a different difficulty which can be equally as exasperating as the previous difficult behaviour. It's tough sometimes being a parent/grandparent.