This is long - Separation anxiety, potty training and my sanity!

[4U2P]

Hi, please bear with me - This will be long and I will try not to drip feed!
am sitting here next to DD who will be 3 in august. She is wearing nappies after a blissful 2 months of accident free toilet usage. I've put her back into nappies as she started holding in her wee for up to 8 hours. This only happened when she was with her daddy, my partner who works away from home during the week. I have no family to help with her and so we have an extremely close bond meaning that I do not get a minute to myself and am shattered 24/7 (I also suffer from anxiety and insomnia) It got to the point where if I even nip to the loo, or go upstairs to get something - shoes, a pair of socks etc) she will cry if I dont take her with me so under the advice of a friend I asked DP to start taking more of a lead with her, days out without me but lots of fun things going on so that I could try to get some time to myself. She would be hysterical the moment that she knew I wasn't coming, but then be fine after about ten minutes( I would get regular text and photo updates ) and I thought that was that. It hasn't got any easier recently. anyway, started potty training and all was fine. she still only wanted me to take her to the loo but since i was with her all the time that was fine. Anyway, a few weeks back she went out for the day and refused to wee all day despite being full of water/juice/milk. I had a call from DP saying she had become hysterical and refused to use the loo or let him put a nappy on. I spoke to her, she was clearly distressed and I said if she put a nappy on she could do her wee in there ( she put it on but was still dry when they got home )and got home and was clearly uncomfortable but didnt want to sit on the loo so I just left nappy on her and she did one there, very strong smelling as you would expect. then a few days with me and all back to normal. Then another day was planned with her and her best friend and both dads. I didnt tell her until she was strapped into her car-seat that it was just daddy and she didn't cry as it was all quite sudden but yet again refused all day to use the loo. Same happened again with a strong wee.
Sorry, this is so long even I'm getting lost.
So, that evening I told her that the next day there would be no tv until she had done a wee ( she had been waking up dry for about 2 weeks) in the morning and that we would be doing wees in the loo again. She woke up and did a wee in her nappy so I kind of had to let her have her morning tv as promised but then she just refused to use the loo, becoming more and more uncomfortable. I became very uspet too as I'm so worried, she saw me get upset, angry etc nothing worked. in the end we went out and she wet herself for the second time ever. I held her and said it was okay but the damage was clearly already done.
I put her back in nappies thinking she would hate it - she sort of does but now has gone right back to not wanting to wear pants at all.
I'm feeling so depressed about it all. I've been in tears this morning as I feel like the only chance I ever had of having any time to myself has ben taken away (as she will hold in her wee) I am shattered. Feel like I've screwed up her head completely over the last few weeks with all the loo shenanigans. I wanted to go and visit a friend in August overnight without her but feel I cant even do this now as it may trigger another bout of wee-holding. I want to scream, but can't as she is constantly with me. I cant even cry as she has seen me do that and obviously thats not ideal either. I feel so stifled I can't breathe! My SIL suggested we scrap daddy days as it was just making her anxious and I think she's right but what about me?
Thank-you if you have made it this far.
I dont really know what to do!

I wouldn't put her back in nappies. She's proven herself to be capable of using the toilet and doesn't have an abnormal problem with wetting herself, considering she's only been dry a few weeks.

I wouldn't worry too much about her holding in the urine all day. Instead, I would nonchalantly place her on the toilet (never ask, always tell!), saying "time to sit on the toilet to see if we can let out any wee's this time". And talk excitedly about how clever it is to let the wee's out into the proper place they should go, that sort of thing. When I was potty training mine, it always came with a treat until it was well and truly established.

If, after a long time she hasn't peed, then just say "oh well, never mind, maybe the next time, good girl for trying. You can't have a sweet this time but next time, if you let a wee out, even a tiny little wee, you can have a lovely sweet". Or treat of a more healthy option!

And the hard bit? Let it go. Act as if it really honestly doesn't matter. Pretend if you have to.

2 hours later try again. And ply her with drinks galore. Nature will win in the end!

Your relaxed appearance will help relieve any tension she might be picking up from you.

But I'd also say, if she's reacting to a stress in her life, you need to find out what it is and deal with it. So if there's a problem with her daddy then you can't ignore that.

I found going to soft play of toddlers groups was great because I could hang around and eventually do so from a distance. In the end my DC would ditch me at the door to find his favourite toys. At that stage she will be feeling safer without you.

She won't always be clingy. I remember studying child development in uni and psychologists with attachment theories suggest a child who is made to feel safe doesn't need to cling, but a child who is clingy needs to be made to feel safe. The more she feels safe around you the more he will feel confident to explore beyond you.

I appreciate your problem with needing rest though. I suspect if you can have a helping hand for a while, rather than a complete break for so long, you might see an improvement sooner than you dare hope. And then you've got a potty trained hold happy to go away from her Mum for a bit.

Ah thanks for replying. I'm just getting so much conflicting advice - put her back in nappies, take her out of nappies etc I'm just very worried about her getting a urinary tract infection and doing permanent damage to her bladder. I think the issue is not so much being with her daddy as being without me - She is the same with anyone if I'm not there.

And what have I done to make her so clingy?

She is so bright and confident in other ways as well. Its so confusing!

It won't be anything you've done. I've got two kids, one bright and outgoing, the other slightly more shy. I haven't done anything differently with them!

I can understand the concern about urine infections but I really think short term you'll be ok.

Hmmm. Okay, then I think I will try to ease her back into it all tomorrow then maybe. Just to see what happens. maybe over the afternoon as we are here by ourselves. thanks

The wee holding may be a form of control for her. However as others have said lots of drinks and nature will help out. Be very, very cool with her wetting herself. She'll work out eventually that this form of control method doesn't work.

Good luck.

As hard as it is, I'd really avoid putting her back in nappies. As others have said its a control thing. She's shown she can do it, she'll catch on if you're not bothered. I think with potty training positive reinforcement rather than sanctions is the way to go too.

Regards clingyness, I think to undertake activities when you're there, but there's something much more engaging going on to tempt her away & start creating distance. Also, you mentioned only telling her once in the car you weren't coming - bad idea IMHO. A pp mentioned a need to make her feel safe. It's the control again, by strapping her in then telling her, she has no control & they don't like that.

My ds, a happy, outgoing non-clingy, gets very upset when we don't tell him what's happening. Once, whilst studying at the in-laws dh went for a boys day out, we'd not talked to ds about it & poor thing was trying to get his shoes & coat on to go with daddy. Even if we're just swapping cars round outside our house, if we don't mention it he thinks mummy/daddy is getting in a car & going away. Whereas when we talk to him about it, even just a few sentences, he's just fine.

Yes, all taken on board, I knew at the time I should have told her what was happening and I just felt awful after they drove off - I just didn't want the crying and pleading as it is also very upsetting for poor daddy!

We all learn as we go & I do things everyday, that later on, I'm thinking "that wasn't so smart"! It's like I've got Supernanny sitting on my shoulder being annoying!

Tell me about it! I used to work with children as well, so you'd think it would be the same with my own? no way. Lots of mistakes still being made.