Mums New Boyfriend!

[aaronjames]

Hi Guys,

Hoping for a bit of help here. I have been with my SO for just short of a year now. I have no children of my own and my GF has three children. They're aged 5, 7, 10. The two smaller children; I get on with amanzingly. The 10 year old, however, is; for lack of better words a know it all. She consistently argues with her mother and pushes her to the limits. Unfortunately, after years of it, those 'limits' aren't partivuarly lenghty.

As a single Mum she has tended to be very 'easy' with the kids; and they have literally run the show. Recently, the eldest has started seeing her biological father whom has showered her with gifts and the like. As expected, the disciplined house that she returns to isn't what she wants and she usually ends up kicking of massively. Really emotional. Referring to me as 'him' and saying to her mother that she wants to be adopted etc.

We have tried to spend a lot of time with her; and it's great. That is, until it's finished and then it is back to square one. We have spoken to her teachers who have said that she is a star pupil; yet, at home; she just causes arguments at every opportunity and likes to throw around dominance over her younger siblings. Any attempt at discipline or reasoning just results in her getting hysterical and shouting the odds about how poorly treated she is.

I know that her seeing her real father, who is throwing gifts at her will have an effect, but shouting the odds with her is not the way we should be going.

We're really struggling because she is such an talented, yet emotional young girl who feels the world is against her. Unfortunately, my presence doesn't particularly help. My efforts probably just make the situations worse. Which is sad.

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation? Perhaps, at the very least, there may be some sort of advice?

I've tried to summarise all this as much as I can; but it probably doesn't explain the whole extent, so, please feel free to ask for any clarification.

Cheers!

Hmm. I have no experience of you particular situation, but your post raised a couple of questions/points.

Having been with your GF for a year, it seems very soon to be living with her and the children. Do you mean that you've been going out for longer than this but living together for a year?

Also, you seem to be implying that your GF has been lax on discipline because she is a single mum. Surely you don't mean that there is a connection between the two things?

It must be a very difficult situation to be in, but your GF's eldest child has presumably had 10 years of not having a "father figure" at home. It's a huge adjustment for a child, as well as being confusing and unsettling.

Fundamentally, she doesn't have to like you or think of you as her father. However she does have to be polite to you and follow the household rules. You and your GF need to decide on what your ground rules are and how you will approach managing all the children's behaviour. Then both of you stick to it.

Thank you poster ExBrightonBell

We are currently living together. After a year. Yes. You're probably right in making that judgement.

I would say there is a connection in the discipline with her being single. Purely because she has three children demanding, anything, whenever they want. It has been easier for her to just give in. She's been a lot stronger now that I'm there and the younger two are actually thriving. More so. The eldest is just rebellious.

The problem is that she struggles applying the rules, that we've agreed and will look to me to be the stronger one. Which, as you can imagine just compounds the situation.

This is very similar to another thread started by a mum with a new BF.

The poor daughter is probably kicking against having a man move in with the family over whicht she has had no say .

She has also started seeing her dad which maybe makes her feel confused because she wants him to be living with the famh and not you.

I think a lot of couples also find it hard to say no to their children and give in for a (temporarily) easier life. Equally, lots of single parents are hot on discipline.

Either way, it's how your GF has been managing up till recently. You and she really do need to apply your approach to discipline equally. Have you discussed how you feel about being relied upon for discipline with your GF? If she agrees that it isn't a good idea then maybe she might find it easier to be in control herself?

Would you consider having couples counselling if you feel she isn't willing/able to address this issue?

Finally, I would say that your GF's eldest is not "just being rebellious". If she is rebellious it is for a reason. The job of a parent is to find out and understand the reasons, and then support the child through it. Being clear and consistent with discipline will help with this but won't address the underlying issues.

I can't help with the relationship angle per se - Ill leave that to others, but there's a few things in your posts that rang bells with me as regards my own DD who is a similar age & considered very talented/bright too - but she an OC & has me & her dad at home, so different situation, but by the sounds of it, very similar emotional intensities.

This of course is partly due to her age, but not all of it - this book might be useful to you - we found it an eye opener & very helpful

HERE

I think the 10 year old behaviour sounds normal and pretty expected. She's got a lot going on. Do you have children of your own?

I think maybe it would be helpful to slow down the relationship - I know that's not what you want to hear but it would probably be easier to win her trust that way. I appreciate it might not be easy or possible to move back out (and of course that feels like a horrible idea)

DH moved in with me and DS when I was a single parent, after 10 months and it was absolutely too soon. What saved us was that he happened to get a job really far away so we decided to go long distance while he set up living at the new place and then me and DS moved back in with him over there (here!). It worked well but of course that's not always a situation you can engineer or practical or desirable.

A 10 year old is on the cusp of puberty, her hormones are all over the place, if the boundaries/expected behaviour has suddenly changed (even though you as the adults can see this is a positive thing) she's going to find it hard. The younger ones will be better with this because small children feel safer when boundaries are in place, however a 10 year old not-quite-adolescent is concerned with breaking out of boundaries and making her own way in the world and so sudden changes in the goalposts are confusing and difficult for her even if they are making things more stable. I really think teenagers (and I know she's not a teenager yet) do need different parenting from younger children and IMO it needs to be much more flexible. I think that you could start this now and it may have a positive effect.

Of course seeing her dad is going to have a big unsettling effect too especially if he is showering her with guilt gifts and creating an unequal balance. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that.

As an action plan of sorts, I would stick with your current approach with the younger ones, but also encourage your GF to gain confidence with this herself. If she's not comfortable doing something she needs to find her own way but if it's about confidence maybe you can help and encourage her. With the 10 year old, I think you probably need to take a step back and let mum do the bulk of the parenting. She's older and not so ready to accept you as a father figure, and that's fine. That's just a part of step parenting older children and you shouldn't take it personally. The kind of "different" parenting I was talking about before is making it less based on rules, rewards and punishments, and more based on rights, responsibilities and relationship. (N.b. - the "you" used after this is general, I really mean your GF as I feel she should be the one doing this.) That is flexible - you can give her more responsibility when she's handling it well and pull it back when she's not. Slowly you introduce the idea of different responsibilities. Maybe start with a responsibility she already has, for example, homework. Tell her that now she's getting older, you feel she's able to take responsibility for herself. So from now on you are not going to insist that she does homework at a set time, or ask about it, or check that it's done. It will be her responsibility to plan her own time to make sure she has enough time to fit in the homework around playing or seeing Dad or social appointments etc. Tell her you'll be on hand any time she wants help with homework or help with scheduling, or if she wants you to remind her or check etc that's okay, but the whole thing comes with conditions - if she gets behind on homework, or is doing it after bedtime or something, then she'll have to go back to having it managed and you telling her when to do it.

Once you've covered all the stuff she does already, you can start adding on things that you currently manage quite a lot for her, e.g. if you tell her when to have a bath/shower, you can tell her she's allowed to decide for herself now and you won't nag her about when she does it. Divide up the "treat food" or junk food bought in the weekly shop and put her amount in a separate box or label it so she can choose when she wants to eat it in the week and doesn't have to ask (but when it's gone it's gone) - may be more of a boy problem! :)

Then you can add some in which are more of an incentive - having a mobile phone if she doesn't have one already, having a better one. Being allowed to go to the shop on her own. Deciding when to go to bed (?) - whatever you feel she's ready to cope with and would be enticing for her. Remind her that you won't micromanage but you can pull the freedom back if she shows you she isn't handling it well.

The last one to add in would be things which help her to become independent. Things like not directly buying her clothes/toiletries but giving her extra pocket money to spend on things like this so that she can make the decision whether to spend more or less and budget. Letting her have an input into choosing and cooking food for the family some nights. Encourage her to take the bus somewhere rather than expecting lifts all the time.

Most of this stuff is going to be inappropriate at 10 and to put all of it on her would be far too much to cope with and manage all at once, but the idea is you introduce responsibilities slowly, over the teenage years, and see how she copes with them. But handing over responsibility for a lot of things means that you aren't engaging in battles over something she would probably make an okay choice about if left to it. It means that the things she's not coping with you can focus on, and it helps her feel valued, grown up and independent.

Obviously the relationship part is really important too. Especially when she has a lot going on, her relationship with mum especially is really really key. That doesn't mean buying a relationship obviously and boundaries are still important, but making time to let her know you're there and listening and you care is important even if she doesn't always show that she appreciates it! Having a mum who listens and doesn't immediately judge or panic is priceless. That might mean developing a tongue of steel for when you have to bite it but generally sympathy first, communication second, discipline/advice last. Give her space to work things out.

Good luck! :)

To clarify - I'm not saying you should definitely move out. That's just what worked for us. I'm sure it could work if you stayed in the house together but if it's possible/easy to move out and delay the move in until a bit later, then I would seriously consider it as an option.

I love yor post BertieBotts, thank you. Wish I'd read that when my daughter was ten.

Great post by bertiebotts, that should be useful.

I don't have experience of this or older children but I just wanted to say that I think it sounds like you are making a really great effort with these children and it is really good that you are on here asking for tips with the 10yo.

I think at the end of the day it will just take time. I have a few friends with step parents and I know one in particular gave her step father a really hard time. I think she was early teens when he moved in. Like another poster said, it isn't personal, she probably would have had the same reaction to anyone. My friend now gets on very well with her step dad but still does call him by his name, and they do occasionally fall out. But she now recognises that he is a lovely man who has been great for her mum.

I think ultimately it will just take time and that alot of the time you are probably going to have to bite your lip sometimes and let your gf deal with it. Try not to let it become a battle.

Between spending time with her dad, and your gf spending time with the younger ones and you, does she actually get much one on one time with her mum? Perhaps this could be carved out? Even just an hour at a local coffee shop once a week. Or if she responds well to Bertie's suggestions of being treated a bit more grown up, maybe your gf could bring her out for a meal once a fortnight/month and you could babysit the little ones. It would be their special time and could also be taken away/postponed by a week for bad behaviour.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you all.