Toddler adapting to new baby

[Portia]

Hello

I've just had a baby boy and my two and a half year old daughter is a little unsettled as a result.

We've tried spending quality time with her on her own and making a fuss of her, reminding her how special she is to us, but she has still found the arrival of her baby brother a bit of an upheaval.

My problem is how to stay relaxed when shes trying to cuddle her brother a little too tightly (strangling comes to mind !) or pinching him. She does show him genuine affection as well !

Do things get any easier or are we in for a rough ride in the next few months ?

Any tips or ideas will be gratefully received !

Things get easier, Portia, but not immediately. There will be a lot of reminding dd not to strangle ds, a lot of actively separating them, and it's hard to say exactly when it ends, but as your baby gets more robust and loses his novelty factor, things will start to improve. It sounds like you're doing everything you can. Are you also enlisting her help? That can work, too. Congratulations on your baby boy, though I know if can feel like an upheaval for everyone, not just an older sibling!

Agree with expatkat. Plus we made the baby the toddler's baby, too; this is "YOUR sister", "YOUR baby", etc. I think that helped, too. I remember breastfeeding baby while changing nappy on the toddler... what fun!

Portia, my age gap is the same as yours (in fact do I know you? I have a suspicion I do - are you organising a gathering of queens? - if you aren't who I think you are, you will now think I'm a loony, feel free to ignore this! )

Anyway, when she's giving him a special "cuddle" (squeeze), could you let her do it for a few seconds, so you're not saying "stop it stop it" (as I remember doing all the time) straight away. Then maybe try a bit of distraction - "Wow, look at this X over here", and physically detach her from him. At least then she won't feel like she's always being told no, but the end result will be the same.

I do remember this very well myself, and really the best thing to remember is that this, like all other things, will pass - and sooner than you think!

Hi there, my ds2 is 16 weeks, 2 years younger than ds1. We had the same - ds1 was all over him, desperate to get in on the act, and sometimes it spilt over into hitting and eye poking. I did completely lose it with ds1 on a couple of occasions when he hit ds2, but generally found that a 'calm but firm' approach worked better. We made it very clear that hitting was not acceptable, and gave loads and loads of praise for gentle cuddles and strokes. 'helping' with bathing and nappy changes was also useful too as it gave an opportunity for physical contact that could be supervised and praised. As time has gone on we've made a lot of ds2's increasing interest in ds1 - pointing out all the time when ds2 is smiling at him etc.
It is now (touch wood) weeks since we had a violent incident and I do feel that things have largely settled down - and the nice thing is that ds1 is very interested in being kind and 'big brotherly', which is lovely and much easier to handle than outright hostility!

My age gap is smaller - 20 months (what was I thinking??! ) and I agree with everyone.

Another thing I do to alleviate the cuddle/squishing/strangling problem is that I go and cuddle dd while she's cuddling ds - that was I can subtly prevent her from causing any damage without thwarting her (a bit tricky, but possible). Plus I can show her how she should cuddle/stroke him.

She loves helping me bath him too - water goes everywhere so we don't do it all the time, but it's fun.

Lastly I think you can help the older sibling a lot by your attitude - for example, I often ask dd if she would like to see the baby (when he's asleep) in the same way that I'd ask if she wants to go to the park. As a bonus, this works as a useful distraction when other traumatic situations (such as there being no yoghurt in the fridge) occur!

Our age gap is 20 months too. One of the main problems I have is DS1 lying on top of his baby brother who thinks it's really funny... I ask DS1 to get off but he quite rightly points out that DS2 is laughing and obviously enjoying it. Trying to explain to a 2 year old "Yes, he's laughing now but in about 10 seconds he's really going to cry a lot" is quite tricky!
Emsiewill - a good idea with the distraction thing - I always feel I'm saying "Stop that" when he's trying to be affectionate. I'll try that one!
Another, more alarming, problem is that DS1 gouges DS2's face when I'm not looking and has drawn blood on a few occasions. I know he does it for attention and only when he's tired but any ideas to stop that would be greatly appreciated!

My age gap is much larger, (4 years) so my advice may be useless to you. But has she a favourite toy or doll so that when you are cuddling ds gently she can do the same with her toy/doll and get her to mimic you changing nappies e.t.c. to ensure that if she is gentle with her toy she will be with her brother. But as the others have said to remind her calmly to be gentle and the novelty will wear off. Congratulations by the way!

Thanks for all the tips which make a lot of sense. Things are getting easier, even in the past few days, but it helps to read your suggestions which we'll try out over the next few weeks.

Emsiewill, you probably are a loony but that was well spotted ! I was searching for you on Mumsnet last night but still couldnt find you so all I can say is its a fair cop and you're more observant than I am! Then again I'm half asleep through the joy of night feeds ! No-one else reading this will have a clue what we're on about so just ignore this !!

Its good to know I'm not the first to encounter all of this and probably wont be the last !

Aha! It was the fact that you mentioned the "cuddling" on your thank you note that gave it away!

Glad it is you or I would have looked like a nutter "gathering of queens".

And glad it's getting a bit better. I'll call you soon.