My child is the bully

[NickyW]

I don't know what has happened to my lovely little girl. She started school in September and is doing well and has settled in. She has always been lively and boisterous but following two parents' evenings it is clear that the teachers are trying to tell us she is starting to display bullying tendencies. She pushes children she doesn't like and tries to get other children to exclude children she doesn't like.

Everything I have read about bullying indicates that she is either insecure or being bullied by my and dh! I went with her on a school trip today because she really wanted me to go and it was clear that the behaviour is true. I've tried to talk to her about it but she just denies that it happens.

This makes it impossible to have the 'how would you like it if it was you' conversation.

A lot has happened in her life lately (new baby brother in August 03, and favourite Grandmother died December 03) but she seems to have coped well and I don't think these events have really contributed to her behaviour.

The teachers have offered no advice and all the other things I find on bullying is how to deal with it when your child is being bullied and not the other way round. I would really appreciate any help or advice.

Check out the Kidscape website here . I'm fairly sure it covers both sides of the coin.

I know you say that recent events haven't attributed to her behaviour, but both the birth of a sibling and the death of a close relative can engender feelings of insecurity. Attack being the best form of defence, it seems fairly clear to me that this could be the root of her problems.

Try this page in particular here . Hope you find the help you need. If you can't find specifics here, try contacting them by email or phone.

You say you saw some of the behaviour on the trip. Could that not be the start of your conversation? Ie, on the trip, I saw you do X to X. I wonder how you felt when you did that?/I was sad to see that.

That way you don't 'ask' her what you did, you tell her what you saw and open the conversation that way. If she says, I didn't, you can say, "I saw you". Also what does the school propose to do about it? It's no good them presenting you with a problem that only happens in school but then having no plan to deal with it. I think you might consider going back to talk to them again. Maybe she wants to be a leader but doesn't know how to do it and you could maybe help her to organise something where she could use those skills in a positive not negative way? Obviously you have to make it clear that pushing and physical stuff is not permissable.

My heart goes out to you NickyW. When ds1 was 5 he went through a phase of being violent at school, and the thought that he was hurting other children made me feel a complete failure. I cried all day and couldn't sleep at night. So I do know how you must be feeling.

For us it was specific unacceptable, and relatively infrequent, events. So it was relatively easy to deal with - both the school and ourselves came down very heavy on him, and made him realise it was completely unacceptable.

I think your case seems more difficult. How old is she btw? It may be partly a maturity thing, that she just can't yet see things from someone else's point of view.

Your post sounds as though the teachers' comment have been rather vague. (Do you think this is because they think the incidents have not been very serious? Or because they don't take bullying seriously enough? Or because they didn't want to alarm you or provoke a negative reaction from you?) I think I would be tempted to make an appointment to speak to the teachers exclusively on this subject, find out the extent of the problem, and ask for their advice and see if you can draw up an action plan between you.

She sounds very bright. DS1 had a target to not lose his temper for a month in school, and he would get a praise certificate in assembly. (The other children didn't know what his 'target' was.) For him this was a huge carrot, and a great way of motivating him to get into line.

Don't know if any of this helps. Feel free to ignore it if not But I did want to post something supportive, as your thread did bring back some powerful memories for me.

Nicky, although you say "she seems to have coped well" with the birth of her brother, that did happen just before she started school and it could be that it's preying on her mind (not even consciously) while she's out of the house and contributing to her behaviour at school, even though she seems OK with him at home. (I wonder if the children she is picking on are smaller and younger?)

You could try very tentatively talking to her about how she feels about the baby - suggest in a roundabout way that she might wish she was at home with you all day the way he is - maybe you could come up with an example (made-up if necessary) of a time you were very jealous of somebody - and see if anything comes out.

It can be very hard for little ones to separate their behaviour and the reasons for it the way an adult can - or even to identify the reasons. Does she have much time with you on her own now you have the baby too? Could you arrange for someone else to look after him while you do things just with her now and again?

Starting school is a huge step for them, they want to be grown up and think they are expected to be grown up, it can be good for them to step backwards a bit and feel littler again. Good luck anyway! (And hugs, it must be awful for you.)

Freckle

Many thanks for the info on Kidscape - I hadn't heard of it before but the site is really useful and has lots of positive stuff that we can work with.

I feel so much better just having an action plan!

Roisin, Aloha and JanH

Thanks for the support - it's really good to hear from people who have come out of the other side!

I have decided to use the professionals and make an appointment with her teacher to discuss just this issue (she has over 20 years experience so there's no point in reinventing the wheel. Thanks for the tips on starting the conversations - wish me luck.

Nicky

Good luck Nicky! Hope you have a fruitful meeting with her teacher.