12 year old with temper and lack of understanding of consequences

[Teddycollector]

Our 12 year old daughter has always been stubborn and has had a temper to test the best. She has always had difficulties with friendships and cannot empathise with how others may feel. Yesterday, I found that she had invited and then uninvited a friend to a sleepover, after I had explained that the friend should be invited as this friends parents had arranged an amazing treat for them the following day. Our daughter was swayed by another friend who had told her I was being silly ( I have seen the text messages). I found out, explained that I was not happy with her decision and that she needed to invite this child. I got shouted out, escalation upon escalation until she caused £450 worth of damage to the shower. At one point she went out to the garden and I thought this was good, she, and I, could calm down, only to see her throwing the trampoline ladder around the garden and pulling the basketball hoop over - had to intervene to prevent damage and injury - so then the shower got it! Consequences were that the sleepover was cancelled initially and then she was withdrawn from the treat organised by the other parents as her behaviour escalated. On calming, I and then her dad and I, tried to explain that it was unkind to leave this friend out, we then established that the friendship (there are 3 girls involved) has been tricky for a few weeks, despite some lovely days out together) but advised her that this had not been the occasion to leave the one girl out. Our daughter cannot understand that by leaving this girl out she is doing to her exactly what she is accusing her of doing. I have always told my children that being kind has to lead their decisions. She has 2 older brothers (19 and 16) who are great with her, although the oldest is away at Uni. The 16 year old has traits of Asperger's linked to social ineraction and social imagination. Do we need additional help?

You have my every sympathy, this is a very difficult age with our daughters. However, your initial explanation that your daughter should invite the other friend so that she could be included in the treat does not sound like training in empathy. Of course I am only going by how you describe the problem.

Thanks for your sympathy. I should be clearer. The parents of the girl left out had arranged to take the girls to a concert and the third girl asked if she could come to our house for a sleepover the night before. We explained that she could but only if the girl (and they are 3 girls who have done everything together since starting secondary school in September) was invited too. Out rationale being that the girl who was left out would feel excluded knowing that the other two had been together the night before when her parents had organised the treat. I told my daughter that this was not the night to leave her out and that both should come or neither. Our motivation was not that our daughter should gain a treat but that her 'friend' should not feel left out, that this was unkind. Discussions with my daughter make me feel that she and the 'left out' girl are vying for the attention of the third girl (who asked for the sleepover) and that the initial friendships made at her new school are now floundering.

I would think seriously about asking for a neurodevelopmental assessment for her. What you've described sounds like problems with rigidity of thought, change, social interaction and theory of mind, all of which are associated with Autism.