Worried about my incredibly shy 3 yr old

[OxfordBags]

I have one DS who turned 3 in March. He is very sweet, loving, funny, and clever (is teaching himself to spell), and is very confident and loud at home, or with his grandparents, BUT he is cripplingly shy with anyone else, and not only ignores them, but becomes very distressed by the mere presence of anyone else who isn't his immediate family. He doesn't even do parallel play yet because he gets too freaked out by the presence of other children. It's not a developmental thing, it's a fear thing.

If he is, say, on a piece of equipment at the park and another child even comes near it, he will panic, squawk with fear, climb down as quickly as possible and run and bury his face in my legs, trembling with fear. Nothing any of us do has instilled even the slightest bit of confidence in him. I role play dealing with other kids being near, playing near them, talking to others, etc., and we talk a lot about his fears (he is very verbal), but it's like none of it's happened as soon as anyone else is near. Soft play is the worst - he loves it, but will only go round if one of us is within touching distance. It's only a few months since he wouldn't go round if someone wasn't holding his hand.

A bit of background: he is an only child, and we're not having any more. I am disabled, so we don't get out and about as much as other mums and children, but we do go out and see others/ have others round. He has a few cousins, but they live so far away that we generally only see them at Xmas. He is terrified of them, just like strangers, even though they are around the same age. My partner is cripplingly shy and I often wonder about the nature/nurture aspect of that. However, I'm not shy, and it's me he spends nearly all his time with. I'm pretty chatty and easy-going.

I'm a SAHM, and would like him to take up his free 15 hours at nursery in September, but it will be impossible with him like he is currently. It would traumatise him deeply. Don't even get me started on how worried I am about him starting school next year! People say, "Oh, he'll love it in no time at all", and stuff like that, but he is still freaked out by going to the same playgroup we've been going to for 2 years running (he likes the toys and activities on offer and asks to go, I'm not just insensitively forcing him to go), and seeing the same kids, so I don't believe that will be true.

I have some good friends with children of the same age locally, and we see each other pretty regularly, but DS is still terrified by these little boys and girls who he has been seeing regularly all his little life. The most confident he'll ever get is to play sat pressed against my legs whilst he completely ignores the existence of everyone else.

Another issue is that he wants my constant attention, and he tries to get me, his dad or his grandparents to play 'for him', ie he'll demand that we pretend to be a magic cat or something, but he won't do it himself. He'll ask to do stickers, but he wants to watch us put the stickers on the paper for him. He'll get his little cars out, but he wants to watch us push them round, going 'brrrmmm', and so on. He has actually got a great imagination when he actually does try these things for himself, and he is a physical daredevil, he just seems to have zero confidence in himself and his actions.

The amount of attention he wants from me is incredibly draining. He wants me to be looking at him and watching him all the time. He demands that I comment on everything he does, every few seconds. If he can be convinced to use crayons himself, he will literally draw one dot of colour and demand I admire it, do another dot, demand I comment on it, and so on and so on. If I don't, or try to encourage him to just enjoy it for himself, he abandons the activity and either refuses to do anything, or sobs uncontrollably and says I don't love him. It's like he feels like he doesn't exist without me validating and noticing him all the time. My parents have always really over-praised him for everything, although me and DH don't, as we think it just stops kids getting in the flow, so I wonder if he's got it from that.

It's frustrating, overwhelming, upsetting, and worrying. We can't work out why it is so extreme. He's never had an upsetting experience with other kids, or indeed anyone else (I mean, identifiably upsetting, as he finds the presence of others upsetting full stop), he's never had another kid be mean to him, or had an adult be horrible to him. He's never had an accident, or been hurt, or humiliated,or anything like that. He's very loud at home, as I say. We don't force him to socialise, but we don't not socialise to pander to hin either, IYKWIM. We bonded really well, I didn't have PND or any issues like that, and my relationship with DH is really good. DS has always been this way around others. He never smiled at strangers as a tiny baby!

Sorry this is so long, but I love him so much, and it's getting worse, not better, as he grows in awareness of self and the world around him, and we are really worried. Is this a 'he'll grow out of it' thing, or should we be doing something? Have read The Highly Sensitive Child, but it's not helped in any way practically.

I'm not an expert :) This is what we did. My son was similarly shy/timid as your's seems to be. So, we did put him into nursery for his 15 hours plus a little more because primary school was approaching, and frankly, I needed a break from constant childcare.

He didn't cope with nursery very well. He didn't make friends, didn't interact very well with staff or kids. He didn't like it much but he did go.

When he started Reception year I explained how he was to his two teachers. I did not think he would 'grow out of it' without intervention. Because he was a noisy, funny, clever boy at home, I knew he would need a bit of help in the outside world where he was so withdrawn.

The primary school created a special group, of children who were shy, had difficulty relating to others, were timid etc. and my son formed part of this group. I think the school's care helped immensely.

Now my son is ten. He is very very happy at school and is thriving. The teachers love his quiet learning, but he has also had a large part in the school play at christmas, and has a good group of friends he plays with at break time.

My son has come a long way, but his dad and I have played a part in asking (nagging) the school to help. And we are lucky, the school has been wonderful.

I hope you can find similar means of support for you and your little ds.

Thank you, I think that is a great idea for when he starts school. Unfortunately, it's a massive school, so I hope they'll have the time or inclination to help him like that.

I'm unsure about nursery, though. I won't be able to leave him knowing that he'll be miserable, lonely, scared and missing me. I'd just feel guilty and upset. That's no reflection on you or anyone else whol puts a shy child in nursery, it's just my own issues. I was a shy child (although nowhere near as extreme as my DS), and my parents handled it really badly, althoughncoming from the best of intentions, and, whilst I'm not shy, I have loads of self-esteem problems and stuff stemming from feeling ashamed and like a freak, and feeling isolated from other kids, left outnof play, etc. I just don't want to repeat those mistakes with my DS by just going "Off to nursery with you, tough luck if you don't like it". I realise this might be me projecting a bit, but I think it's still a genuine concern.

He doesn't have a problem with being separated from me to go out with DH, or grandparents, so at least I know he can cope with being apart from me.

He must go to nursery as school will be such a shock.
I would seek help from your health visitor.
Try some turn taking games. With a puzzle , cars, drawing - anything. Say 'mummy's turn' and you draw then say ' Billy's turn' he draws and continue. Then do turn taking games with you two and an adult. Then move onto doing this with a friends child.
Go to toddler groups and let him play on the edge. But get him used to being around children.
It will be easier not to socialise him but in the long run it will cause the difficulty to become more ingrained.
Good luck.

Charlotte, we do go to toddler groups, and playdates with children he knows well. He just won't 'play on the edge'. He is terrified of other children. It's not an ASD type of reaction; I know what that looks like at children in this age. I just have no idea why he's so scared. Am hoping it's just a developmental thing. I've been trying taking turns games for ages. Doesn't work, but I keep on trying. I will put him in nursery for his free 15 hours, I just worry about him coping.

Incidentally, I'm in my 40s and most kids didn't go to nursery when I was little and we coped fine starting school. Nursery isn't an essential for getting kids ready for school, although I do want DS to experience it.

Upandatem, I will look into that, thanks. Me and DH are both naturally anxious people, so I'm sure there's both a nature and nurture element to my son being this way. I think anxious might be a better word to describe him than shy. He just always seems to overthink everything - for example, a very small dog came and nudged our ball with its nose at the the park, then ran away, but he refuses to play with a ball outside now in case "a doggy takes it away". We can't convince him that a dog won't take it, or, if one did, it'd be okay and we'd get another one, etc.

I've looked up PDA, and it really doesn't fit my Ds at all. Apart from not wanting to play on his own, he has no problems with following requests or demands; in fact, he is probably more amenable than other children of his age (people always comment on how he'll do as I ask without fuss). He also doesn't have language delay, in fact he is pretty verbally advanced and understands it too, he's not parroting it. And this: appearing sociable on the surface but lacking depth in their understanding (often recognised by parents early on) is actually the exact opposite of his problem. He understands and thinks too much about all the different aspects of playing with others. He can't just go off and do spontaneous things because he's experienced or observed problems with other children, ie that someone might grab a toy off you, or might pull hair, or other normal toddler behaviour, and he's constantly worrying that something like that might happen. So overly socially-aware to the point of cutting off his nose to spite his face, sort of thing.

I think he's developed intellectually at a quicker rate than he has emotionally or in terms of what he is physically capable of, which is causing a disparity between what he's capable of and ready for, in different areas, and is causing him stress and frustration. For example, his desire to have us do stickers or something for him, is that he has a clear idea about what he wants a picture to look like, but he just isn't capable of achieving it yet. I remember being like that as a child and really recognise it in him.

I do think you are right, however, about looking up techniques for anxiety. They might help me too! I suspect that my own anxiety makes me see this issue as a bit worse than it is, and he's probably only a bit more demanding in this area than average, but to me, it feels overwhelming, as his constant fan club!

Thanks for your advice, it sounds like you've been really proactive in tailoring an approach that works best for your DS. It's good to be reminded that ' this too will pass', even if takes a long time to pass!

You're not sending him to nursery and saying 'tough luck if you don't like it' though are you?
Ideally you're sending him saying 'Loads of fun toys! The ladies will look after you! The other kids are friendly! I'll be back soon'

The nursery staff will really help you and him if you let them, they will have met kids like this before.

And yes, he needs to learn how to be a kid. I've had a DS like this too, my eldest (of 5) - he got the hang of it by school because nursery was so tuned in to what he needed. He was a non talker until he read at 3 and became social partly through reading to other kids at nursery, then became VERY bossy and loud!

It's really interesting for me reading your post - I have a dd who is amazingly similar to your ds, same age, same reaction to social situations, likes to tell me how to play rather than do it herself... We have started to make some progress just in the last few weeks though so I'll share what I think might have helped:

1. we saw a speech and language therapist (suspected selective mutism) - not helpful in itself but they are going to put a plan in place with dd's nursery before she starts in September - like to make sure she has a key worker who is full-time (so no chopping and changing), to watch for her getting stressed, to try talking with her via puppets etc.Theyll review us at the end of September. This makes me feel a bit reassured.
2. since I've started volunteering at some of the groups we go to (leading activities etc) I've noticed her kind of gaining confidence there too. Im a socially anxious type too so I guess it's been good for both of us...
3. some play dates, I've tried to do a structured activity (like baking, building a junk model) that the kids can do together - so she can stay by my side but sort of 'join in' with the other child.
4. I bought a book off Amazon called 'join in and play'. (Sorry can't remember the author, there's a whole series on different subjects though). It's like a story but basically tells you how to approach another child, what you might say, what might go wrong and what to do about it... This definitely made dd think, she was talking about some of her own experiences while we we're reading it.
5. activities - sometimes in the evening I'll set something up (like a colouring or tracing thing) and just leave it out on her little table with pens etc ready, but make no comment on it. When she thinks I'm not watching she will sometimes do it by herself...
6. she loves acting out scenarios with her teddies and sometimes will get into 'the flow' with props like wrapping presents... She likes to practice her interactions this way I think and sometimes I'll join in and make another teddy be mean, or conversely make a teddy be rely friendly.
7. just trying to be patient and accept her the way she is, and gives lots of physical contact. In the last few weeks she has just started interacting with other children a little bit, occasionally - you can tell she's trying really hard and it's a bit strained but she seems to really want to join in now. The first time she uttered a word to another child I shed a tear with sheer relief... Not while she was watching though, just carried on like everything was normal! Oh and I'm not praising her interactions specifically, but trying to say things like 'it looked like x was really enjoying making that model with you' (only if they were, obviously, she is very shrewd too...!) sorry this is so long, our dcs sound so similar, hope there's something here that might help.

Oxford bags, have a google of Dabrowski's overexcitabilities, perhaps?

The other thing is have you checked his eyesight? DS1 was incredibly, unbelievably shy, but it turned out he was visually impaired.

Seriously op, this could have been written by me a year ago. My ds sounds so similar to yours - verbally very advanced, bright & articulate, & loud as anything in the comfort of his own home or with family. But in social situations, incredibly shy & very distressed by the presence of other children. If any so much as looked at him he'd be panic stricken,& get very upset. I persevered with playgroups (mostly for my own sanity) but tbh he hated them.

The turning point for us was him starting pre-school. I was terrified to send him because of how withdrawn he was becoming, but the one thing which drove me to go through with it was that he would go to school with the same children, & pre-school actively expose them to the school environment ahead of them starting. He doesnt transition easily so needed that year to build up familiarity with the environment & his peers. We decided to do 2 days a week but built up to this very slowly starting with a couple of hours, then mornings, then staying for lunch & so on.

Drop off's have never been particularly easy (lots of tears) which always makes me feel terrible when I leave, but when I pick him up he is beaming & has always had a fantastic time. The staff have also worked hard to try & integrate him with his peers as he was (&still is) happy to follow & talk to adults rather than play with his peers. They have done lots of small group activities with him, & allowed him space if he feels overwhelmed. In the last 3-4 months there has been a huge change in his confidence around his peers - he tells me who he likes (& doesnt), who he plays with, & its hard to tear him away from the place at the end of the day. I have also attended every single party he has been invited to, in order to maximise his exposure to his school friends, & do regular play dates, which he is finally starting to enjoy. He now knows every single child he will go up to school with in september & I am so, so glad we sent him.

Now just to work on his demands for constant attention at home.....

no experience at all....just one (probably slightly harsh) observation. You obviously had an awful time at school when you were younger. It is really important to make sure that you don't project your own anxieties onto him.

You don't have to send him to preschool, I think personally it would be a bigger shock to go straight to school though. It isnt a case of 15 hours or nothing. You can use the entitlement with a childminder I think for one thing, this may give him contact with other children in a much lower key way. You could also send him maybe twice a week at first so it isn't a daily trauma. Another option is leaving it a term, things may be better a few months later. Choose the provider carefully.

My 3yo DD is very similar to your DS. Very shy, worried about other children and physical activities around them, clingey and demanding of my time and attention.

With DD I have found that to an extent I have to go with the flow - too much pressure and she can't cope, so it's a very delicate balance between encouraging her and supporting her. I tend to go with gut instinct but I know what you mean about feeling emotionally drained.

DD has really benefited from nursery but again we were careful about how much we pushed her. For the first week she only went for 15 minutes per day and DP took her as she found it easier to leave him than me. The staff were very good as well because they would hold her and cuddle her but would not force her to engage in activities or talk to them directly. They left that to her and slowly, slowly she came around.

The other thing that helps is trying to name feelings. I read this in a book and was quite surprised but it actually works. DD seems to find comfort in being able to express that she is worried, or stressed or shy and I never deny her feelings or try to find solutions for them (which was my natural impulse, I.e. What can i do to help?). Instead I say "it's ok to be sad, everyone feels sad sometimes" which seems to help.

Finally he may find it easier to interact with other shy children. DD has a friend who is also incredibly shy but the two of them find the most common ground especially when doing things that take them out of themselves, e.g I once painted their faces like dogs, they spent the afternoon being dogs and that was the loudest and most physical I have ever seen DD be.