help needed for desperate mum with 20 month boy who refuses to learn

[nickysamethy]

I have a 20 month old son and I'm trying my best to do things with him but it's becoming difficult. He doesn't talk apart from saying 'oh no' all the time. He doesn't know I'm mum and my husband is dad. He used to say fish and go to the fish tank but no longer does. At baby groups he refuses to sit in a circul and sing with the rest of the group. He's happy to be left alone to play or watch TV but will only let me play with him if it consists of running in circles with him. I've tried singing, drawing, flash cards and he just throws the stuff or throws himself on the floor. I don't know what to do with him when we are at home and I just want to be able to teach him words and colours and for him to start communicating with us so we can improve our relationship.

I'm beginning to feel like a failure and I am 19 weeks pregnant and starting to feel regret as if I am a rubbish mum to 1 then I'm going to be rubbish mum to both

You are not rubbish, he is just being 20 months old. My DS was very similar and then around 21/22 months he clicked with speech and various other things. There's a 'void' time I think for some children between 1-2 (and it comes when some children are being super intelligent) when they are developing like crazy but just with things that you don't really notice. It is also very early to be trying to teach colours - he won't know whether you're naming the object or the colour - if you show him a picture of a red car and say 'red' he might think that car is red. I'd leave colours to at least 2 unless a DC actually showed an interest/aptitude in them.

What does the HV say, anything useful?

How is his hearing? It sounds like similar behaviour to friends' children who were deaf or had glue ear etc. Have you tried using some Makaton signs or baby signs to communicate?

Use clear lip patterns and clear hand shapes with one spoken word.

Put the flash cards away. :)

Could he be experiencing any kind of pain?

There is a book by Hanen called 'It takes two to talk' that is highly recommended. It's early days but might be worth a read?

Does your local Health trust do Speech and Language drop in clinics? If so you could just go and discuss your concerns. If not go and talk to your GP. S&L referral can take a while so it would be worth getting in the system if you think you might want an assessment in a few months.

Didn't want to read and run.

My DD is nearly 19 months, he doesn't sound massively different from her! She has a few words, although this is increasing gradually. She also loves to say "Oh no!" I find it pretty cute, but I try to reassure that the things she's saying oh no to are fine and not to worry.

As for activities, short and sweet works best for us. We do very very short spells with flash cards, even shorter with drawing, which mostly consists of me drawing and her guessing what it is, e.g. cat, eyes, ears, ball. She mostly scribbles and looses interest pretty quickly. She loves play dough but again it's short sessions, maybe 10 minutes, 15 if she's not too tired. What she loves most of all is being outside looking at leaves, flowers, stones, sand etc. Its at these moments that I might talk to her about colours and counting to three because she is really interested in nature so is motivated to listen, otherwise I really wouldn't bother with that stuff just now. She's still very little.

What I'm trying to say is that I think your DS is normal. I wonder if you're putting extra pressure on this due to anxieties about pregnancy/having another baby? I have 3mo DS too, so I can empathise if that's how you're feeling!

Get proper help.
HV then referral to Guthri assessment.
If he used to say fish and indicate fish tank and now doesn't, you really ought to be worried, you need to rule out the serious conditions that manifest through loss of skills.
Is there anything else he did previously, consistently that he no longer does?

I think you are trying to do things that are too old for him!

I have a speech therapy appointment with him next week. I think his hearing is fine but obviously will see what the therapist says. I think it's laziness with him as opposed to something being wrong with him medically. He is very clever with age appropriate puzzles and basically anything that involves him being left alone. My thinking behind the drawing and flash cards was just it was something I could do with him and try and develop his communication. It's hard being a parent on the sideline. What I was really after was some creative suggestions of how I can engage with him and get him to let me play with him and teach him.

Thanks CharlesRyder I'll have a read of that book

I found the book 'Baby Talk' by Sally Ward really useful. It made me appreciate how important shared attention is at that age. That is, you shouldn't try distracting them away from what they're interested in (unless it's dangerous obviously) and you should talk about what holds their attention at the given time. I spent ages waving books at DS which he wasn't interested in, but once I started saying 'ooh DS is opening the drawer, what's in the drawer?, now DS is closing the draw, now it's open again' times 10 million his speech followed really quickly. It was brain numbing at times, but it did work.

I think colours start to sink in about 2.5-3.5 years so he is very little. Sounds like he is quite normal, mine was never that interested in sitting and learning until much older.

Some ideas to play at home together: build a fort (think tea clothes and chairs)/ bowl of dried pasta and some of your cooking bowls and cutlery/ playdough/ measuring things with a tape measure/ filling/emptying the washing machine/ balloons/ dancing dvd/ washing vegetables in a bucket or sink/ playing with empty boxes/loo rolls/ hide and seek. etc.

Ds didn't really get going with words until 22 months. He isn't keen on drawing or singing to order even at 3. He'd rather be playing with his cars or fixing things. Sedentary pursuits are not his thing. He's absolutely normal. Just doesn't stay still. Sleeps well though :)

I wouldn't panic yet and let him lead what you do. There's loads of time and once they start talking it snowballs.

Ok, creative suggestions...

Play dough , make whatever he's into, animals, cars etc you can use cutters. Roll it, shape it
Paint, finger painting, hand painting, foot painting.
Messy play, gloop, jelly baff stuff, cooked and dyed pasta or rice, squidge it, pour it, mould it.
Outside, go to the park, jump in puddles, use chalk on the path, spray with old well washed out spray bottles, "paint" with water and big rollers and paintbrushes.
In the kitchen, let him help chop soft fruit, decorate cakes, bang on pots and pans.

Let what he enjoys take the lead. And through all activities you do talk to him. He will learn through an adult talking to him while engaging in normal play activities. Talk about everything, the colours, the textures, how things look, taste, sound, your emotions, his emotions. Narrate what you are doing if he is watching you, narrate what he is doing if you think he'd like that. Even if it doesn't seem like it immediately, he will absorb language. I heard recently little children need to hear a word used in its everyday context 2000 times before they themselves can understand it and use it. Sitting him down and "teaching" him words simply won't be as effective, it's actually more likely to turn him off learning.

Be enthusiastic in your interactions. I'm sure, like my DD, the reason he says oh no is because he's heard an adult say that in an emphatic way during a 'dramatic' situation and it made an impression on him. (My DD's nappy had burst all over her bed, and I said Oh no! when I discovered it I thank my lucky stars I didn't say something stronger! )

I think you may be trying too hard.

To help with speech you just talk to him. Run round in circles and shout "whizzz" or say "lets go round in circles" and things like that. Take your lead from what he wants to do and chat about it. Sit and cuddle him and watch TV. You can say things like "wow, that looked fun, shall we go to the park like X did on TV" if you want to. Read books-flap books are good if they're a bit wriggly as it gives them something to do. Bake cakes together, go and have a cake in a cafe, plant some seeds. Sit on the floor and drive cars around... Kick football to each other...

And colours... well I thought dd1 was colourblind. At 3.6yo she had no clue-she knew her alphabet at 2yo, count to 100 and beyond... but had no interest in colours. I tried teaching her, and not a smidgeon of interest or knowledge did I manage to share.
Dd2 I never tried teaching colours and she just knew them. She loved colours, and so learnt them without any attempt to teach it.
I think 20 months is quite young to know colours.

Where is the Green Parrot is a good book for colours!

Reading books is the best way to teach stuff. Not teaching ifysim

Try playtunnels and sofa cushions rather than fine motor skill stuff.

My 20 month year old loved his Brio wooden train set. He never did any of the sorting games or the drawing or the playing with small figures at that age. My 20 month old daughter was slightly more interested in those things.

Mostly they just wanted to go out! Climb swing and run, roll bounce or sing.

I don't think either of my sons ever showed an interest in drawing or holding a pen till they were 5. Painting was slightly more interesting about 3 years. They ate playdough so that wasn't much use either. Set your sights slightly lower and start giving him some saucepans to sort out and bang with a wooden spoon. Make a pile of sofa cushions for him to climb over. Build a pile of bricks for him to demolish, the most simple sort, not the fiddly shapes. Avoid duplo and any sort of fiddly toy which drives you made to clear up and set up. Big cars to sit in are good. Small trampolines you can hold onto and jump on.

I had play food set and name any fruit she brought over

Get duplo or brio or wooden blocks and play together. Chatter whilst you cook and get him to help stir.

Offer a choice of things and see if he expresses a preference (ds could "la" the theme to bob the builder and postman Pat to ask me to put one on).