Feel like my toddler hates me

[LittlePink]

And sometimes I feel like I don't like her very much either. Feels awful to say that but she is so difficult and stubborn I find it really hard to connect to her. She was always a challenging baby and she hasnt become any easier in toddlerhood. I feel like the way I parent her is completely wrong and she just doesn't respond to me at all well. Im more the disciplinarian than DH is but im very loving too. Its just that i dont get anything back from her apart from whining and demanding and it really gets me down. A lot of it is probably terrible twos with refusing to do as shes asked and doing the exact opposite to what I want her to do. I also feel like a lot of it is personality too and our bond is so far apart that I don't know how to bring it closer. When her daddy says I love you, she replies love you too every time but when I say it she wont reply. She often says to me "go away mummy. Go downstairs away". I find it so hurtful.

We had a really intense time at bedtime where she flipped out over her antibiotics and teeth brushing and I ended up losing it and putting her in time out which did not help matters at all and it all went completely wrong for both of us. She wanted to go in her cot to bed and wouldn't come anywhere near me for cuddles because she was so angry with me. I went back 5 mins later and told her how much I love her and I was sorry she was so upset but mummy was trying to make her better and help her. She was still so pissed off with me that she wouldn't come anywhere near me and was saying "very tired" with her back to me so I left the room and she went to sleep with no bother.

Shes very intuitive and intelligent and her speech is very good for her age. Shes 2 next month. Im pregnant with our second and I feel like perhaps ive got a second chance with this one to create a bond that I don't have with DD. I just feel like im not cut out to do this mothering thing at all and I feel so depressed about our relationship. Im just so tired and sick at the moment and my dad died 7 weeks ago and I would do anything to have the bond I had with him with her. Sorry just needed a rant.

I'm sorry you feel so down about this, you have clearly had a very tough time recently.

For context, my ds is about the same age, and also very advanced with his speech and understanding. I do think that you are expecting a lot from such a young child, and perhaps projecting a little due to your recent bereavement. I think it's important to remember that your DD is not responsible for your feelings, and nothing that she is doing is designed to hurt you or anyone else. She's just behaving like a nearly two year old.

With the bed time meltdown, I think timeout is not helpful for a child her age. Although her speech and understanding might be fantastic, she is still too little to really understand the timeout concept (and I also don't like timeout anyway but that's another topic). Also, sometimes less explanation/discussion is better than trying to push it when your DD is tired and cross. She won't be receptive to hugs and cuddles at that point in time - no reflection on you at all, just that moment in time.

My DS is forever saying, "no, not mummy - daddy!", or "daddy do it", or "mummy go there" and pushing me away. It's not about me though - he's just trying out the ability to express a preference, and he sees his Dad less than me which has an effect too. We don't accede to his requests often though, as we don't want him thinking he can boss everyone around.

If you aren't already, is there someone you can talk to about your recent bereavement and how you're feeling? Counselling or similar?

My first thought at reading your post is that your bond is strong. I believe toddlers reject us in this way as they're testing those bonds & relationships with the people they have the strongest bonds with. If they felt insecure they wouldn't be able to do this. It's a normal stage of development for kids with loving households. My ds often rejects daddy in favour of mummy & vice versa.

Bed time meltdowns are normal & par for the course. My ds is generally not a tantrumy kid, but if he's gonna have a meltdown it's at bedtime. Tonight he was professing not being tired or wanting to go to sleep, but was out in less than a minute!

Around 2 yrs we had regular bedtime battles about brushing teeth etc & that's with an easy kid, no antibiotics, not being pregnant & bereaved. I think you should give yourself a break and a hug and some choccy cos a large gin isn't appropriate right now!

I agree time out seems pointless at this age. She doesn't understand it and it causes more strife than actually making anything better. I just lost it and didn't know what else to do.

There are some issues surrounding my dad's death that play on my mind that family and friends haven't really been able to help with so perhaps I could contact cruse but it's more sort of spiritual/ religious issues but I'll think about it. Thanks for your advice and care in responding. Its given something to think about.