5 year olds and new baby on the way

[Lisa3578]

Hello,
I was wondering what peoples advice was regarding a situation I have.

I am actually a separated father of 5 year olds, their mother is expecting a new born mid July with her new partner.

After years of court battles to get my children a decent amount of meaningful time with me, I was awarded by the courts two 1 week sessions with the kids and a weekend over the 6 week school summer holidays.

As my ex is due about 2 weeks before the start of the summer holidays, she is worried that our current children will not bond/lose some bond when their new sibling arrives and my children are with me, I have asked for the first week of the summer holidays.

There is no "ideal set time" for an older child to bond with their new sibling and I dont want my kids to think that they are being pushed aside when it arrives by them being with me.

I can recall that a new born is very demanding and mainly sleep, feed, fill their nappies and cry, pullying the occasional funny face with wind or being happy, and also that both parents are very tired during these stages. From my own personal experience with my children they are very demanding at the best of times. Usually when a couple have a new child the focus of attention is on the new born and you try to involve the current child in that, but that child of 5 years old doesnt really understand why they are not getting the attention they are used to from the parents.

Im just rabbitting now, my main point was do you think that my children being with me for a week when their new sibling has just arrived will have any detrimental affect of their relationship with their new sibling?

Thank you

I have no idea about the effects on the sibling bond, but I would want my family together when I have my baby.
There's a lot of hormones flying about and I think I would be really upset not to have my children with me.
If you could change the week, you need to speak with your ex and the children to see what they would prefer. It might be the case that your ex would welcome the bonding time with the new baby, she might be scheduled to have a c section and know she'll be in hospital.

And that sounded very me me me, but I know my children would want to be at home with me and the new baby.

Hi, I feel that the children should not be asked that question to avoid any emotional stress put on them, ie if mother asks the kids are bound to say 'mummy, if father asks the kids are bound to say 'daddy'.

If her new baby is due mid july, there is at least a 2 week period before i have asked for my children for a week, I have even said for 5 nights, but to no avail!

Oh I thought it was straight after, with a 2 week gap that should be fine really probably nice for them to get somee space from the baby by then.
If it has been court ordered she doesn't really have a choice.

The only way it would be less time is if she it late, then that needs to be dealt with and I would allow this time to happen.
I don't really want to take it back to court as the 3 years it all took wasn't good for anyone concerned.

No having been to family court I can imagine. Could you ask her which weeks would suit her?

I think you should be flexible and accommodating.

Eg take them when she's in hospital but if she wants them all together for the first few days then agree to that. When her DP goes back to work after 2 weeks she may appreciate the older ones being away for that week to help her get into a routine with the new baby.

she has asked for my proposals which I have offered 2 to date, she has not come back with any definitive alternatives. Knowing her she wants as our children to have as little amount as time as possible, (reasons for spending 3 years in and out of court and 20+ hearings).

I have offered as much flexibility as possible, I have a full time job that requires as much notice as possible to I can make arrangements for people to cover me.

I can see both sides here, I can also see that you are trying to be flexible and amicable.
Selfishly though, I'd have to say I'd want my children with me when I bring home their sibling, I couldn't imagine not having my older ones there when I came home with their brother or sister.
It's a tough one though, as you obviously deserve your time with the children.
Without knowing the back story it can be hard to comment, so I can only give my opinion based on how I personally would feel.
If you can swap weeks, I think that may be the better way to proceed.
Having had twin boys then a baby girl when they were 6, I can honestly say I think the first few weeks are very important for bonding, my boys were proud as punch when they met their sister, and spent the first few weeks all over her.
I wonder if the bond would have been so strong should they have missed her coming home etc?
As I said, I know that sounds terribly selfish, and doesn't really leave a lot of room for you, but hopefully your ex will be as reasonable as you are clearly trying to be.

Oh, and another thing to consider is are the children excited about the expected arrival? My boys were amazingly excited and counting down the days.
If yours are the same then they probably won't want to leave the baby anyway, and I do think this should be taken into account, the last thing you want is two 5 year olds constantly asking to go home as this will probably make you feel rubbish :(