Can't cope anymore. Advice needed

[IDontKnow26]

I'm a single mum and I have a DD who is almost 4.
For as long as I can remember, shes always been very difficult. Being a single parent and having some bad health problems myself, I always just got on with it, so to speak. I don't like saying I can't cope.
She started nursery 6 months ago and from day one, the teachers have been pulling me up about her behaviour. Telling me she won't listen to anything they say, ever. she won't sit down, she's been violent and angry and they're finding it hard because of her behaviour.
Like I say, she's always been this way. She NEVER listens to instructions, everything is a massive challenge. From getting her dressed to getting her to choose something to even closing a door.
Getting her ready for school is an absolute nightmare. Getting her to school is even worse. I end up walking home in tears.
She will scream, hit, kick, scratch, bite and spit at me. Every single day. She will also trash the room, throw things at me including heavy and dangerous things. It starts from the moment she wakes up till she goes to bed.
I've tried every technique you can think of to try and make things easier. Time out, naughty step, taking toys away, bribery, getting angry, being calm.. everything.
It's not just school though, every aspect of her life ends up with her being angry and violent and not listening.
Taking her out in public is an impossible task. She will run off, hit me, throw things around the shops and scream the place down if I take her away from the situation.
Sleeping has always been a problem aswel. She won't go to bed at an early time and is often running around and fighting sleep until midnight and beyond. Again, I've tried absolutely everything you can think of. No matter what time she goes to sleep, she is always up at the crack of dawn.
All this is taking a huge toll on my health and I don't know if this is normal or not.
Every single day is a battle, every request. I don't know how to cope or what to do to make it any easier. She's gone worse since starting school.
Thank you for reading and I suppose my question is.. does anybody have any similar experiences and would you consider this relatively normal for an almost 4 year old? Am I overreacting? Am I doing something wrong here?
I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything and no longer know where to turn.

Well, my boys aren't at this age yet, but it sounds like over-tiredness could be contributing a lot of the issues.

How about a trip to the GP to ask for some help with her sleeping and / or a referral to a sleep clinic?

Can your Health Visitor offer any advice?

Gosh.... that would wear me out too. I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom, I am not a single parent, and my DC have always been reasonably well behaved (most of the time) - I have never experienced most of the behaviours you mention. I have no idea what would make your daughter like this, but she sounds/acts like she's angry or upset about something... is there anything else you can add - has she ALWAYS been like this? Have you always been a single parent? If you could get to a more normal bedtime (like about 7pm) that may help some of the other issues... sorry, I'm no help at all.

Thank you for your reply.

I think a trip to the GP is definitely in order. I'm just nervous that they'll think I'm doing something wrong to contribute to her behaviour.
I haven't seen or heard from a health visitor since she was 6 months old. I wouldn't know who to contact to find out.

Mrschickpea, yes I've always been a single mum. Well, from since she was a few months old. She wouldn't have any recollection of her dad. He decided being a parent was too much hard work and he left and hasn't been jn contact since.
She's always been very difficult and everything has always been a massive challenge. She has gotten worse as she's got older, especially since starting school.

Get in touch with your local sure start centre and HV, tell them what you behave said here, and plead for support!

Priase her, for every little thing, make it specific, make it glowing, vary it-
" wow you are walking so well to school, I am so proud of you, what lovely walking, wait till Mrs ...sees you" and so on. "you've got your top on now, thats brilliant we are almost finished getting ready now, then you can have your coco pops which you love. Aren't you working hard, aren't you good?" Do it for EVERYTHING

Get a meeting with your childs key worker, and the play leader. Get them to advise you on what they do at nursery and what you should do at home. Get on the same page as them and do the same things. Ask to set up a home link book in which something positive from home is shared and read out to everyone and your DD gets a sticker. Get nursery to do the same and make a fuss when she comes home. Take pictures, write "wow" moments down. Encourage her to see the joy she can create and brings. Make a happiness scrap book.

Set your rules and stick to them. It might take a while to change, but consistency is key. I would say at least 3 weeks of being completely to the letter you might start to see change.

Can you put 2 stair gates across her bedroom door and secure her in her bedroom? Make sure this is safe and she won't pull them on herself.

Choose new bedding and PJs at the weekend and start building up to a new bedtime routine. Talk it up. Bed by 7-30. Bath at 6-30, then stories, then cuddles and songs, then bed. Keep physically putting her back to bed. Keep doing it and doing it and doing it. Get a mate round for moral support. Keep doing it.

If she is throwing things around, remove them. Lock everything away that is a risk and they can come out when she has come round to the new way of things.

I cannot stress this enough, but be consistent, pile on the love and happiness. Try not to get stuck in a negative cycle.

Give her a sticker chart with jobs on it that she can do everyday. Make some of them serious (put shoes away, take your cup and plate into the kitchen after eating) and some silly/happy ones (give mummy 3 kisses, clap your hands and touch your toes 4 times) little stick drawings can help make these lists accessible.

try saying yes rather than no. Stay calm, do not lose your temper. "Yes you can play on the tablet, after you have eaten your supper" "I think thats a bad idea because..."

If you feel like there is something underlaying this behaviour...talk to your GP.

Good luck, and HUGS!

That is excellent, positive advice, nilbyname!

Thank you nilbyname, that's very helpful advice.
I do try and keep very positive and praise her lots. Although as you can imagine, it's not always so easy.
I will take on board some of the things you've said and try again, definitely.
Tonight I'll work on getting her to bed at a reasonable time.

I can't stress this enough, talk to the school and link up what you are doing with what they are doing. join forces!

Being a parent is tough sometimes, 3-4 was tough with ds and my dd is right in the terrible 2s, but we get through it. I am all about lots of love and clear boundaries, that we stick to, all the time.

talk to her about bedtime tonight, and let her stay up a bit later. talk about the nmew bedding and new pjs she is going to get. work towards the goal, but before you do it make sure you have everything in place to achieve it.

What is your gut feeling? No matter how much information you include in your posts, it is impossible to tell how normal or abnormal a child's behaviour is.

If you compare her to her peers, does she stand out as particularly aggressive or hard to communicate with?

If you feel that you may not be developing normally you need to go to your GP and ask for a referral for a neurodevelopmental assessment.

I may be out of line here, but I think the sleep is the first thing you need to tackle. A child, like an adult who is tired, is never on their best behaviour.
I would go to the GP and ask for an urgent referral to a sleep clinic, or perhaps go to the library and see if there is a book about how to improve her sleep habits?

Co sleeping can help. start by going to bed with her, settle down with a story and sleep together, just to get her used to associating sleep with relaxing rather than an ordeal to fight with you over. Lots of running around in the day outside but not near bedtime. No drinks with sugar before bedtime, milky stuff near bedtime good. Quiet time during the day. No screens before bed or within two hours of bedtime. No telly when she wakes up first thing (it can encourage children to get up early just to watch telly) Try putting her back to bed with a book when she wakes or some music on a cassette. No youtube music. Story tapes if necessary (from library)

If the sleep doesn't work, it might be that she has a very hypersenstive to light and noise, and hears the smallest sound or sees the tiniest chink of light, in which case you need to start investing in blackout blinds and try sleeping in her room in case there is something that is disturbing her, a noise or a light.

Or perhaps she tunes out better if she hears you bustling around in the same room, tidying drawers and not doing much in particular, or has a blankets rather than a duvet, so that you can tuck her in firmly. Or is there a soft toy that you can add to the bedtime routine who is tucked up in bed with her and she sings to sleep reads a story to etc.

My son has autistic spectrum disorder and tbh although we did not know he had autism until he was 8 we knew he was a very bad sleeper early on, and worked very very hard to get him into a good routine. At that age he went to bed at 6.30, was asleep by 7.30 and woke up at 6.30 (which incidentally we found too early) My neighbour had a son (who has not diagnosed issues) who woke her every morning at 5am and my reaction to this was just, do not get up. Put him back to bed. He is tired and needs more sleep. I felt his resulting fractious behaviour was a result of him getting not nearly enough sleep. I may have been wrong, but it certainly did not help that both he and his mother were incredibly tired and frazzled. She genuinely believed it was her duty to get up at 5am every morning for 8 years. He is 15 now and she still wakes at 5am. (he however being a teenager, does not)

at that age meaning aged your dds age of 3 nearly 4.

At that age he went to bed at 6.30, was asleep by 7.30 and woke up at 6.30

That's a pretty amazing sleep pattern for a child with ASD.

However, if the OP's child is assessed and turns out to have Autism, she may be one of the many who is deficient in the hormone Melatonin and need a supplementary amount to fall asleep and stay asleep at night.

I worked my socks off to try and get DD1 into a decent sleep routine and failed dismally for years. I was on my knees with sleep deprivation. However she now takes Circadin which is slow release Melatonin and sleeps normally for her age. It is a great relief.

I resisted the idea of medicating her at first but was persuaded by the fact that the medication just increases the levels of a hormone which is already present at those levels in NT people.

Getting more sleep had an enormous positive impact on me and her and made other problems feel far more manageable.

okay, maybe he was awake at 6am. I was lucky because I had dh to help, and he did the early wakings. We had twins and another older child of 5. Ds2 usually woke once in the night and came into our bed, we co-slept often. As I said, he was a naturally bad sleeper. But we coped I think in part because although we were flexible to some extent with his light sleep we could not have coped with him going to bed any later than 7.30 or woken earlier than 6am. And he adapted to that routine that we imposed on him. And he was a very sunny happy little boy. If we kept him up later he was impossible to put to bed. It was if he started short circuiting. I think sleep or lack thereof has a truly profound effect on everyone's ability to cope.

Goldmandra ds2 has a diagnosis of Asperger's HFA.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I really appreciate them.
I know sleep is so important and every night is a constant battle. Even then she will sleep for a hour or two and wake up wanting to go downstairs, then back for another hour then up again. It's very tiring but she's never been any different.
She must be exhausted through the day but she doesn't show it. She's always full of energy.
She's never been a great sleeper and people said she'd get better as she gets a little older but she never has.
The fact the nursery teachers called me in for a chat made me realise that there could be a real problem and not just me struggling.

They seem concerned because she won't listen to any instructions or to anything they say, won't sit down, tends to be violent to them and other children but she's always been like that for me.

Anyway I'm going to try out lots of ideas from this thread, concentrate on getting her to sleep better and see how that goes.
If nothing changes then I'll go visit the GP and see what they think.
Thank you all

Oh yeah because ASD = low melatonin and poor sleep

My child with ASD had a sleep pattern like Goldmandra's until recently anxiety issues now impact and we are now under a sleep clinic - most low melatonin issues can be resolved with a good bedtime routine and they are not confined to children with ASD.

OP definitely start with the sleep but get some support first either from HV or a sleep clinic.

I've heard good things about this book:
www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Rev-ebook/dp/B001TJ2YBY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1400690063&sr=8-1&keywords=spirited+child

Oh yeah because ASD = low melatonin and poor sleep

DD1's CAMHS psychiatrist and DD2's community paediatrician both told me very clearly that there is a string link between ASD and insufficient Melatonin.

The community paediatrician also told me that she doesn't prescribe Melatonin for NT children because low levels are very unlikely to be their problem and better routines are usually the answer for them.

I meant Sleep problems are generally low melatonin but in that the routine is not there to stimulate natural production...

It was irrelevant to mention ASD and make sweeping statements...

OP sleep problems are really, really common

She sounds very very angry and unable to self regulate. I should explain all this to GP and see if they will refer you to someone. Hopefully school will support.

I am seeing a child psychotherapist regarding my DD who has a lot of control/defiance issues and is unable to self regulate. In my case anxiety probably root cause and an insecure attachment caused by my own anxiety.

I really hope you get some help. What you are describing is quite extreme behaviour.

I do think the sleep could have a lot to do with it too. When my DD is overtired she becomes more and more wild and manic and won't go to sleep. The next day when it catches up on her she is rude, shouty and very difficult.

It was irrelevant to mention ASD and make sweeping statements...

I think my DD becomes more hyper the more tired she is.
I suppose the key is to not give in and let her stay up. She can play quietly in her room, sit and read etc.
Some do seem to be able to fight sleep. (Me and DH were good sleepers DD follows DA and fights it)
I think it would be harder single as there is no tag teamimg when you get exhausted.
Hope the gp can help
Apparently some foods can help with sleep like bananas. Avoiding chocolate etc