Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

what effect does a massive row between parents have on children?

28 replies

sansouci · 31/08/2006 09:41

My ss started nursery school today & my dd started what we call in Canada 1st grade (she's 6). So it was a big day for us all. Unfortunately, tension was running high & to make a long story short, dh & I had a huge argument which ended up with dh shouting abuse at me and I lost it completely & slapped him across the face. I can't believe I did that & I'm still in shock from the violence that seemed to come out of the blue. The children were huddled together, watching us wide-eyed & then crying & I can only begin to imagine what they must have been feeling. I feel sick & don't know what to do. I think the neighbors must have heard. Well, maybe bu**er the neighbors but what about my beloved children?! How can I make ammends? I hate dh & told him so & also told him that he's selfish & a bully & has always been so. And then I began to cry, which I never do. Please advise!

OP posts:

Original poster

sansouci · 31/08/2006 09:41

I meant my ds, not ss.

OP posts:

Holidaymum · 31/08/2006 09:46

Poor you! I don't know what to say I'm sure if its a one off they will get over it just make sure it won't happen again! Be it by getting some outside help or just sorting it between you.

My sd's mum is a frequent screecher and has had some abusive/ shouty relationships in the past and it has affected her big time to the point that she cowers if she hears raised voices, bear in mind she has winessed such events since she was 2-3 years old and lots more than once! Good luck and thinking about you.

Original poster

sansouci · 31/08/2006 09:51

thank you, holidaymum. I was afraid no-one would answer. I did tell the dc in the car that "even mummies & daddies get cross with each other" & when she asked me if I "still love daddy", I said yes but it choked me to say it. I'm so sad.

OP posts:

Jackstini · 31/08/2006 09:54

I think you need to have a conversation with the children together - no point in ignoring what they saw but you can do some damage limitation. Use this as a time to address the fact that people sometimes lose their temper and say things they don't mean (am hoping you don't hate dh?) You can then both show them what is the correct behaviour in such a situation, apologising to them and each other. They will naturally have been upset and yes, it may have affected their first days in new nursery/grade. Lots of tlc and making sure the original issue is sorted out so it doesn't happen again?
Consider you may need time out with dh to sort out (don't know what the argument was about so not sure how big the problwm is)

fullmoonfiend · 31/08/2006 09:57

Sansouci - if this was a regular occurance in your house, happening over a long period of time, the kids would pick up on it and become cowed, watchful, quiet and very eager to please (I speak as one who grew up in a house where rows like this happened every day. But as an adult, I am not like this, as I realise that the arguments were not my fault)

Are your children old enough to have a special chat with, along the lines of ''It's not nice when people shout at each other and it was very naughty of mum to hit daddy. But sometimes, even mummy and daddy get cross and lose our tempers.' Apologise to your kids for scaring them and strress that you and daddy have said sorry to each other. That is the short term solution.
However, if this situation is likely to happen again (you sound like you are feeling very unhappy with dh's treatment of you - is he emotionally abusive? You say that he is a bully...?) then you are going to have to come up with some long term strategies.
Please don't make yourself feel any worse than you probably already do. As I said, your kids will not be damaged by one or two domestic rucks.

Ulysees · 31/08/2006 10:01

sending {{{{hugs}}}}} to you sansouci

Personally I don't think the odd row in front of the kids does much harm, especially if it's 2 sided. Different if one is bullying and the other is passive. Dh and I don't row but we don't have much passion. My dad bullied my mam and she'd run out of the house, now that does have an effect on kids

Don't forget sansouci that we always feel guilty about our kids no matter what we do.

Do you really feel the things you said in the last line of your 1st post? If so maybe you need counselling? Or have you tried that? If the tension builds up like this then you may need to try to open up to each other more and spend some time together without distractions and just talk.

Original poster

sansouci · 31/08/2006 10:05

Grateful for any support & advice, truly & to be able to "share" with MN because I don't want my RL mates to know. The tension is probably due to the fact that I have been duped into having dh's 85 yr old parents & his 2 elder daughters (they are in their 20s) for Christmas. As much as I love all of them, together we will be 8 & it's not just Christmas lunch, it's 5 days of breakfasts, lunches, teas & dinners for 6 adults & 2 little ones. My dh isn't much help although his older girls can be quite helpful but it's going to be a massive strain & I'm dreading it already. So I haven't been sleeping at all well since this news was sprung on me on Monday & my patience has worn out.

OP posts:

moondog · 31/08/2006 10:08

SS,my parents had some hiumdingers when we were little.Did usno harm and they are very happily married.
Dhand I have the odd one too.It is weird to think children must be shielded from all tension and aggression. That is life!

Christmas sounds like hard work-I would be palnnig quite a few meals out.

fullmoonfiend · 31/08/2006 10:09

you poor thing.{{{hugs}}}

However, daughters in their 20s are capable of helping at Christmas? (or are they stroppy nightmares ) I can understand that stressing you out - I get stressed at having guests for 2 days (we have small house and it feels claustrophobic at xmas)

Original poster

sansouci · 31/08/2006 10:19

I'm feeling a bit like a piece of the furniture (especially the doormat!). Being a sahm is the hardest job I've ever had in that it never lets up & you don't get any recognition or financial reward for it. My dh never expresses appreciation for what I'm doing. I'm taken for granted & it pisses me off! I wish I had the guts to tell him to shove it & go off to work myself although I hate being tied to a desk week in, week out. And the dc need me (I think).

OP posts:

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 31/08/2006 10:19

Occasional rows terach them that relationship low points happen and can be solved: it doesn't need threaten their security and improves their chances of a good long term relationship.

Original poster

sansouci · 31/08/2006 10:22

But Peachy, they heard me scream "I hate you" (yes, I know it's childish) to dh, they saw him yelling in my face, they saw me slap him just like some actress in a 50s film. Arggh.

OP posts:

Ulysees · 31/08/2006 10:29

Yes they may have heard it but they'll get over it. Look at the way siblings treat each other, my two adore each other but hate each other too.
It's a thin line between love and hate.

I think you need to get this Christmas issue sorted. Plus why is dh doing this to you? Is he attention seeking? Trying to get you to react?

Can you find a hobby that gets you away from home for a night or two or a sport? Anything so as you're not a doormat. We all need something else or we end up resentful. Ok some mums don't but they're few and far between.

Do you fancy retraining for something else? If you could do any job what would it be? Your kids will survive without you for a few hours don't worry. It will help them to be more independent. I'm a sahm too but my boys have often been left and are very balanced.

Ulysees · 31/08/2006 10:30

Dh will HAVE to help on christmas day. I think you need to have a few glasses of whatever and totally chill. Let other people worry. Try to be a bit selfish. I think this is a lot to take on myself but it's up to you.

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 31/08/2006 10:33

Soprry, but I truly believe that they won't be harmed by the creaming- honestly, do you expect them to have X years of marriage and never scream I hate you at their Partner????? Or at least something similar?

As for the clapping never a good idea of course, but you can talk to them, explain Mummy made a big mistake and is very ashamed and they will learn from that too.

Honestly, as a once off or occasional this will not damage them. Now, I witnessed similar regularly and worse so I do know the other side and it did affect me, but I really believe kids have to learn that A) their aprents make mistakes, B) Mistakes can be recovered from and C) Perfect relationships? Don't exist. Ups and downs and all out blow ups are NOT the end of the world.

And it's not as if you can wind back time is it? Unless you have a tardis I am not aware of? Seriously, accept it, move forwards, answer any question if theya rise and just learn from it.

tortoiseshell · 31/08/2006 10:34

sansouci, dh and I have had some rows in front of the kids, and what we have tried to have as a policy is to let them see how to deal with rows etc. Everyone has rows, but what they need to see is how to move on from that - so we explain to them why we were annoyed etc, and show plenty of love to each other.

My parents had horrific rows, usually just outside my bedroom, in which they frequently mentioned solicitors and divorce, but I never saw them make up. They're still married now, but I get really jumpy about rows, because I never saw a solution.

Hope things improve for you.

lazycow · 31/08/2006 10:39

but Sansouci if your chldren also see you work out your issue with your dh (genuinely try to work it out or at least come to an acceptance of things that doesn't involve inward seething ) they will see that anger is not something to be terrified as it can sometimes lead to things improving and can be resolved.

What you do about this outburst will have the biggest effect on your children. Will they remember you as losing your temper for no seeming reason and seething for ages afterwards but trying to hide it or will they remember it as the time mum blew her top because she had a justifiable grievance but she sorted it out.

Merely telling them that people get angry sometimes but it doesn't mean anything serious is not enough (though you need to do that too) - they need to see that in action.

The kind of anger that is terrfying is the type that explodes with no seeming reason and has no resolution and then often repeats itself again and again.

You are justifiably angry about a decision being made that has a big effect on you without being consulted. You need to sort that out with your dh and take some action. This affects YOU so you need to make it something you can live with.

After that is sorted out you may need to address the bigger picture including how much respect/support you get from your dh. Counselling may help with this

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 31/08/2006 10:46

(oh and give the older daughters and Dh a day each, well in advance, when theya re incharge of catering / entertainment- be it M&S buffet or full gourmet up to them, but it's their responisbility.) Then make a big effort on the days you are doing it, and relax on the others. If they say no, book a restaurant for lunch Christmas Day or Boxing Day and they fund themselves. Indeed, combine all the above.

And get everyone attending to bring a DVD to share- that often helps spread Christmas time. Also, schedule a break time each day, make sure all know that time well in advance and take to the bath with a glass on wine and a book.

Twiglett · 31/08/2006 10:52

Do you love each other still?

MrsFio · 31/08/2006 10:57

my parents used to pretend they were in love during the day and argue when we went to bed, I think thats particually fucked up. I think arguments are normal and you shouldnt feel you are damaging your child because you raised your voice to your husband

anniemac · 31/08/2006 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anniemac · 31/08/2006 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

blueshoes · 31/08/2006 11:11

Hi sansouci, it sounds like the row was a one-off because you have so much on your plate at the moment. The occasional quarrel won't hurt your children. What would really help is if you and dh (or at least one of you), when things have calmed down, goes to explain to your children that mummy and daddy got angry with each other and how you both have made up despite all the nasty things that were said and done and it is not their fault.

My parents were unhappily married and had frequent rows when me and my siblings were growing up. To this day, although they are still married, they lead fairly separate lives under the same roof.

In my family's case, the relationship itself was toxic, and neither parent wanted to explain to the children because there is no solution (beyond divorce which neither would contemplate). So the result was a conspiracy of silence amongst me and my siblings. We did not huddle together or cry. We knew we were directly or indirectly the cause of some of the quarrels. I just felt growing up in an atmosphere of insecurity, wondering whether my parents would split up and if so, where we would live.

I don't think that is the case with your marriage at all. You can turn this experience into a learning one for your children and it will actually be beneficial.

fullmoonfiend · 31/08/2006 13:29

anniemac - I hadn't even though t of that, you're right.

Ulysees · 01/09/2006 09:30

Sansouci, how are you?

Flip

1 2